writing

Love After Love

It’s been a few weeks. Maybe a month. My apologies – I’m terrible at keeping up!

However, there’s something that I’ve been dying to write about – because this is my space – my internet journal, if you will – and I need to write it down as an insurance policy, in case I ever forget.

Since my ex, I’d been anxiously pondering what love would feel like after the first one. After the first heartbreak. Would I remember what it felt like? Would it feel the same? Would I be scared?

Well, on our anniversary last month, The Drummer told me he loved me. It was something I wasn’t expecting, but I was ready for. Prior to our anniversary, people started asking me if I loved him. I told them I didn’t know – mostly because I didn’t want to say it out loud. I didn’t want to jinx it. My ex was the first and only person I ever said I love you to- I said it first – and dammit, I swore I’d never say it first again. For several months I’d been quietly looking at the Drummer while we’re laying in bed together and just thinking the words in my head.

I love you.

But I refused to say it out loud. I didn’t need to. I knew how I felt, and not saying it was okay. Because showing it matters more.

But low and behold, on our anniversary night when I was about to fall asleep, I asked him to give me a hug and kiss goodnight because he wasn’t tired yet.

He laid down and looked at me.

You know I love you, right?

What? Huh? Yeah, I know.

….Wait, did you say you loved me?

Yes!

I honestly thought I didn’t hear him right. I didn’t want to respond without being 100% sure I heard him right. Of course, I told him I loved him too. Because I do. Every bit of him. He’s been the kindest, sweetest man, and has treated me better in this little-over-a-year that anyone has treated me in my entire lifetime. We aren’t perfect – but we’re happy. And affectionate. Yet have the perfect amount of space between us to the point where we always miss each other. It’s absolutely lovely.

And in that moment – in that few seconds where our hearts were all laid on the table, or the bed if you want to be technical, I knew it was possible. Yes, Lara. You are able to love again. And it’s real – and true – and genuine. And because of that moment and this relationship I will always remember my capacity to love does not end with one person. To many, that may not be a big surprise but to me it means the world.

I am the proof, my friends. Feeling love after such a tremendous heartbreak is possible. And to answer some of my own questions, it feels the same and different all at the same time. The same because when I look at him I want to just melt with happiness, but different because it’s a more mature kind of love. It’s a more appreciative love. Because I know nothing in this life is every promised to us and we don’t know what tomorrow brings. I refuse to go to bed angry, or leave without telling him I love him, or even without thanking him for something simple like getting me a glass of water. It’s so important to do those little things because that’s what keeps love alive.

Love is a verb. It’s an action. And just because you feel it for someone doesn’t make it constant. You must work at it. Nurture it. Help it grow. And don’t ever stop. Whether you are 17 or 70, loving someone is still something you must do. Many people forget that and let it fall apart at the seams. If you try your hardest and it still falls apart, so be it. But if you let it, shame on you. Because love is one hell of a feeling. And I’ll never forget that again.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of my followers. If you don’t take anything from this post, at least take some love from it, because I have plenty to go around. From my heart to yours, Namaste.

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Frosty Windows

IMG_9558

Though it seems Autumn may signify the death of nature,

it does not.

It preserves – it protects – it strengthens.

The trees still stand tall,

and below the Earth’s surface lies the warmth that we all hold dear to our memories.

Do not fear or dread the winter chill or the long haul of darkness.

Preserve – protect – and strengthen yourself

so when the trees bud and the flowers grow again,

you may grow taller and stronger than the year before.

Embrace the frost.

Embrace yourself.

And though your skin may be cold, keep your heart warm.

Life your life with peace,

and with the certainty that much is uncertain.

Where to Begin?

It took a long time to gather the ability to begin this post. It’s been months since I’ve written. It’s been months since I’ve looked into my soul. The last time I was on here, I gave word that intothebeauty might be no more. That I may delete it. I definitely stepped away for, shit, MONTHS.

But, no.

I couldn’t delete it.

I couldn’t get rid of the one thing that kept me going when my psyche was on life support. This blog helped me through more hard times than I can count. It helped me release the sadness and disgust for this beautiful world we live in. And it helped me connect with people who, one way or another, felt the same exact way.

And now that I’m breathing on my own, how dare I walk away from this?

I’ve wanted to catch up for a while. I just lacked the motivation. I’m not afraid to admit it:

I have been fucking blog lazy.

Not lazy, lazy. I’ve been SO damn busy it’s not even right. Saturday marked the end of another class toward my HR certificate. Two more classes to go! And just recently I was promoted to management at the job I was just about to quit (I’ll fill you in on that later). Not to mention, I’m feeling my age a bit more. Christ, after working like a dog day in and day out it’s so hard to get the motivation to do ANYTHING extracurricular.

But life is too damn short to be lazy, so I’m back.

I was going to scrap this whole page and start with a new one but there’s just no fun in that.

I’m in my twenties. There are the bestworstgreatestcraziestundecided years of my life. I need not start over! I have just BEGUN! And whenever I need a good laugh, I have to be able to turn back time and revisit my crazy dating days. If you’re just tuning in, get the fuck back to my archives. I’ve got some SERIOUS stories within the dating realm.

I’m still in the works trying to co-create my health blog that I’ve been starting with some friends, but that’s taken a pause until we get some stuff worked out. I’m not any good at graphic designing and I refuse to start posting professional shit on a semi professional website.

However since health is such a big part of my life, I will definitely incorporate it here because this blog is all of me, not just bits and pieces.

OH and I’m still with The Drummer. Yup! Our one year is next month. CRAAAAZY. I’ll get to that later.

So, whelp. I’m back. In the flesh, or…the virtual flesh…whatever. I’m here. And I’ve missed you all! I hope to see some fresh faces and as always, some of my old wordpress crew. In the coming weeks, I’ll try to pick up on where I left off as well as incorporate some new shaat to this lovely blog of mine. Let the rebirth of my blog begin!

End of Winter Limbo

March 21st.

That’s the last time I’ve blogged. I sometimes wonder what has gotten over me.

Last year I was writing DAILY. The creative juices were flowing like freshly squeezed OJ.

Lack of material? I don’t know. I suppose. Last year I was a serial dater and an avid dancer/city girl extraordinaire. With school, working like crazy, and cold weather, I’m much more of a homebody.

But there’s SO many things I want to write about.

Lack of time? Probably so. School has consumed me these past 5 weeks. I only have 3 more left until I take the summer off, so it is my duty to myself to blog more. To write more. There’s so much going on inside this brain of mine. It’s not like I have lost my thoughts. Or have I?

A lesser anonymity? I let The Drummer read my blog a while ago. I don’t know if he keeps up with it currently, but every now and then I’ll tell him a story and he will reply with the fact that he read it already. Hah. For that reason, I’ve sort of stopped writing about post break-up things though I long to do so. I’d feel awful if he read some of it and took it personally. Like, I shouldn’t still be grieving over my last heartbreak whilst in a new and blossoming relationship. Or should I? Can I? Can I still be hurt at times though I’m fully present in my current relationship? I don’t know the answers to these things, I’m inexperienced in this whole realm of life. I don’t think he’d mind but I’m cautious to ask. Well, I suppose if he reads this then cat’s out of the bag.

The only other person I trust with the URL to my blog is Taco. He’s the only person in my life that knows my thoughts from the very deep depths of my psyche. Some days I have so much to let out. Some days I’m just numb because I’m busy. But on the days where I do want to get things out on here, I hesitate because of who will read my blog. It’s not that I’m trying to keep anything from my relationship with The Drummer. It’s just, I feel like it isn’t fair that he gets to see this side of me – this side that I don’t get to see from him. Knowing someone face to face is so much different than knowing someone’s words. Someone’s writing. It’s more intimate. There’s no holding back. At least when you are face to face, you [should] think before you speak. Here, in my little blog space, I don’t really do much thinking before I write. Of course I think about my topic-that sort of thinking. But, I don’t hold back. Most of the time I feel like I’m just talking to myself. I forget that I have an audience. And then all of a sudden I look at my stats and I’m all like WOAH! I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THAT COUNTRY EXISTED AND SOMEONE FROM THERE READ MY BLOG!

These are issues I need to weed out soon. Because nothing feels better than to write the words that are stuck inside my head all day. I’m surrounded by people that love me daily, but sometimes I feel misunderstood. Or just down right weird for that matter. That’s why I love my blog. Where my weirdness can go into archives.

So I shall write more. When my creativity comes back and I stop being a wuss about what my boyfriend will think of me if he reads my weird shit. And when the weather gets warmer. I know it’s technically spring, but can New England get a little warmer please? Thanks.

Sorry for the word babble. I missed this. And all of you. I still read. Just not as frequent as I should be.

Love your life and most importantly yourself. x

Blog on Hold, Happiness on High

#100HappyDays Day–

Does it really matter?

Hey guys! Today’s post is going to be a bit of an I’ll see you later one. I’ve done a lot of thinking and I need to take a WordPress-Cation. I’ve come to find that writing everyday is becoming tedious, and less exciting. This was not what I had originally set out to do, and I need to fix it.  But don’t worry. I’m not technically going anywhere.

When I started writing, it was a huge rush. So much material. So many ideas running rapid through my brain and translated onto my computer. It was a few months after I started this journey to self awareness that I began writing, and I’m certainly not done-I’m just tired of rushing to type out my thoughts on here.

Now, I’m just tired and unmotivated. It isn’t that I have writer’s block or I’m at a loss for words. It’s just I feel like this blog is an obligation, and that’s not what it should be. I’m rushing through posts at work (during busy season mind you) and I’m finding that I’m having a hard time keeping up with my workload for no reason other than my lack of working, and c’mon. That’s just not right.

With that said, I’m going to stop writing for a while. Catch up on my work, and catch up on my thoughts. When I’m well rested and less rushed, I find writing to be way smoother and I want to get back to that witty Lara. Seriously guys! I have so many more stories to tell you. The craziness has not ceased, and I still have another 15 years of insanity to describe to you all. I’ll still be reading and commenting, since you guys are better than any novel I could pick up. I won’t be truly gone-it’s just my writing will be ghostly for a bit.

Most importantly, though I won’t be writing about the #100HappyDays challenge, I will definitely be participating. Finding something to be happy about everyday has been so uplifting and taught me to see the good in every day no matter how crappy it might have turned out. For instance, I’ve been sick since Friday. but you know what I’m happy for?

DAYQUIL.

TISSUES WITH LOTION.

SLEEP.

SOUP.

See that? I rock, even being sick.

Who knows how long this blog-cation will last. Maybe a week, maybe a few. But I’ll be back before you know it. And with better shit to write about. Look out for me in your comments!

Love,

Live,

Be beautiful,

Be you.

Time is of the essence.

Applause, Applause, Applause

Applause, Applause, Applause

TGIF!

These awards are so sweet. I truly wonder what other people see in me and my word vomit, but I am thankful nonetheless.

Liam, you are one sweet dude. If you haven’t checked him out already, do it.

From what I’ve read, this Liebster Award is for bloggers to interact with each other, get lesser known blogs seen, and also find out a little bit about the award winners that might not be originally known.

Now, I’m supposed to answer these 10 questions. *Breathes deep* Damn you, Liam. You’ve got some tricky ones.

1. How are you, really?

Honestly, I’m probably the best I’ve ever been in my entire life. I am so aware of myself and the world around me and I’m finally beginning to deflect negative energy in a way that always keeps me smiling, even through stressful times.

2. If someone were to make a movie about your life, who would you hope would play you?

Angelina Jolie in the character of Lara Croft from Tomb Raider playing me, Lara.

3. What are some of the first things you do in the morning?

My routine is run right down to the minute. Wake up 6:50 AM, bathroom/get ready time, scramble 2 egg whites and one egg while toasting 1 piece of wheat bread. While I’m cooking, I get 1 banana and 1 yogurt out, put the coffee in my mug, and pack the snacks. Chug 2 cups of room temperature water while scarfing breakfast and then I’m out the door at exactly 7:47 AM. On Saturdays and Sundays, the only thing I accomplish is waking up at about 2 PM in The Drummers bed.

4. Do you think gay people choose to be gay? Do you think straight people choose to be straight?

I don’t believe in cut and dry sexual orientation and I certainly don’t believe we choose it. I’ve had a girl crush once before in my life. Does that make me gay? Maybe .001%. Did I choose that? Not at all. That’s life, guys.

5. If you could learn one random skill, what would you learn?

To sing. I love to sing and I’m pretty good at it, I just have no classic training and I’d love to see what my chords could really do.

6. What’s your earliest memory?

When I was about 2 or 3, my mom was giving me a bath in the kitchen sink. I was holding a mermaid doll and I looked up at my mother and said, “Hey momma. You know why the water is so yellow? Cause I peed in it.” Then she slapped me. End memory.

7. What’s your favorite part about today so far?

That it’s Friday and I get to see my boy tonight.

8. If you could go back in history, who would you like to meet?

Jesus. I’d be star struck.

9. If you could visit any country in the world, where would you go and why?

I’d go to either Europe or Africa. Europe is home to a bunch of countries I’ve always wanted to visit, but Africa has Egypt. I am just in love with ancient Egypt and would love to see the pyramids and pharaoh tombs.

10. If you were going to write a book, what would you call it and what would it be about?

My life has been absolutely wild in 25 short years and I’ve always wanted to write a book. My mother jokes with me that it should be called “All Out of Options” and that’s been the most descriptive title thus far.

And now, the nominees for Favorite Bloggers With Less Than 200 Followers Are:

1. Whiskeyinateacupp
2. Pizzaofdoom
3. Stupid Cupid  I still have to do a shout out post to these ladies for the swag I received last month! I’m slacking I’m slacking!
4. The Infinite Abyss(es)
5. Spinning Lolo
6. Dating Mr. Mom

Everyone else I wanted to nominate either had over 200 followers or were already nominated. And then I realized I don’t follow that many blogs. New Resolution: FOLLOW MORE BLOGS.

Alright, yo. Here are my questions:

1. If you could be any character from Winnie the Pooh, who would it be and why?

2. Donald Trump, Lindsay Lohan, Dennis Rodman. Marry, Kill, Fuck. GO!

3. What was the last song you listened to?

4. If you could get one thing out of life, what would it be?

5. If you were on a desert island, and could only choose one luxury, pizza or bacon, which would it be? And for the record, bacon pizza is not an option.

6. Describe yourself in one sentence.

7. How old do you think you were when you first became the person you are today?

8. What is your biggest fear?

9. If you could visit any planet, which would you choose?

10. If you could witness any event, past present or future, which would it be?

 

As always, thank you so much for nominating me Liam.

I love my fellow bloggers.

And I fucking LOVE Fridays.

Peace out, yawl xo