relationships

Love After Love

It’s been a few weeks. Maybe a month. My apologies – I’m terrible at keeping up!

However, there’s something that I’ve been dying to write about – because this is my space – my internet journal, if you will – and I need to write it down as an insurance policy, in case I ever forget.

Since my ex, I’d been anxiously pondering what love would feel like after the first one. After the first heartbreak. Would I remember what it felt like? Would it feel the same? Would I be scared?

Well, on our anniversary last month, The Drummer told me he loved me. It was something I wasn’t expecting, but I was ready for. Prior to our anniversary, people started asking me if I loved him. I told them I didn’t know – mostly because I didn’t want to say it out loud. I didn’t want to jinx it. My ex was the first and only person I ever said I love you to- I said it first – and dammit, I swore I’d never say it first again. For several months I’d been quietly looking at the Drummer while we’re laying in bed together and just thinking the words in my head.

I love you.

But I refused to say it out loud. I didn’t need to. I knew how I felt, and not saying it was okay. Because showing it matters more.

But low and behold, on our anniversary night when I was about to fall asleep, I asked him to give me a hug and kiss goodnight because he wasn’t tired yet.

He laid down and looked at me.

You know I love you, right?

What? Huh? Yeah, I know.

….Wait, did you say you loved me?

Yes!

I honestly thought I didn’t hear him right. I didn’t want to respond without being 100% sure I heard him right. Of course, I told him I loved him too. Because I do. Every bit of him. He’s been the kindest, sweetest man, and has treated me better in this little-over-a-year that anyone has treated me in my entire lifetime. We aren’t perfect – but we’re happy. And affectionate. Yet have the perfect amount of space between us to the point where we always miss each other. It’s absolutely lovely.

And in that moment – in that few seconds where our hearts were all laid on the table, or the bed if you want to be technical, I knew it was possible. Yes, Lara. You are able to love again. And it’s real – and true – and genuine. And because of that moment and this relationship I will always remember my capacity to love does not end with one person. To many, that may not be a big surprise but to me it means the world.

I am the proof, my friends. Feeling love after such a tremendous heartbreak is possible. And to answer some of my own questions, it feels the same and different all at the same time. The same because when I look at him I want to just melt with happiness, but different because it’s a more mature kind of love. It’s a more appreciative love. Because I know nothing in this life is every promised to us and we don’t know what tomorrow brings. I refuse to go to bed angry, or leave without telling him I love him, or even without thanking him for something simple like getting me a glass of water. It’s so important to do those little things because that’s what keeps love alive.

Love is a verb. It’s an action. And just because you feel it for someone doesn’t make it constant. You must work at it. Nurture it. Help it grow. And don’t ever stop. Whether you are 17 or 70, loving someone is still something you must do. Many people forget that and let it fall apart at the seams. If you try your hardest and it still falls apart, so be it. But if you let it, shame on you. Because love is one hell of a feeling. And I’ll never forget that again.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of my followers. If you don’t take anything from this post, at least take some love from it, because I have plenty to go around. From my heart to yours, Namaste.

The Saddest Break Up Tale.

We were together for years. And over the last few months, my heart has been breaking piece by piece.

The others were never good enough. They left me with a bad taste, and I knew my nights with them would never last. They were most certainly one night stands, and for a while, I felt like that was all I’d ever have.

But then, I saw him and experienced all of his glory.. He was one of very few words. He never spoke back, got sassy, or told me I was wrong. Actually, being with him made me feel so right. He lifted me up when I was down and made me fly when I was already high. And for the first time in my life, I thought I had met my match.

It wasn’t until early this year, when I started changing my life around that things got rough with us. I began trying to be healthier, and in turn spent less time with him. I think the distance made him angry – because every time we actually got together, it was short lived and I always went to bed alone with a sick feeling in my stomach.

It wasn’t until last month, when I thought I’d give it one more shot, that I truly knew it was over. I thought it would be sweet to spend the Halloween weeks together in Salem Massachusetts, where celebrating before the actual holiday wouldn’t be so out of the ordinary.

We had dinner, which was lovely, and everything went fine for a few hours. We met again at a tavern and I thought the chill running through me was just from the cold. But alas, it was not. I got home and felt that same sick, sad feeling in my stomach. I could hear him yelling at me as I wept and vomited in the bathroom.

YOU’RE NOT THE SAME! YOU CAN’T HANDLE ME ANYMORE, CAN YOU?

And just like that, I knew. No, sir. I cannot handle you anymore. My healthy lifestyle has torn me from your sweet aroma. My clean body and mind makes it difficult to spend any reasonable amount of time with you. It hurts to be without you, but it hurts more when I’m with you.

We had many great, wonderful years together. I’ll never forget how happy he made me feel. I’ve started moving on, slowly but surely, and I know that even though we aren’t together, I’m in a great place in my life. Time will only tell if we ever meet again. Maybe a short embrace here and there, but that’s all we’ll ever have between us.

Jameson, I will always love you. Thank you for the time we did have. Until we meet again.

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The Drummer: The Good, the Better, the Best: An Update

I’ve figured since it’s been so long I owe everyone an update on The Drummer. For those of you just tuning in, he’s my Online Dating Success Story. In just a few short weeks, it will mark a year since our first date. I honestly can’t believe it.

He was the final straw. The I have had it up to fucking HERE with online dating and if this one doesn’t work out then I just give the fuck up last straw.

I drove around for a solid hour before our date, smoking cigarettes and trying to stay positive.

Well, Lara, you’ve done your homework. You’ve seen just about everything there is to see on his Facebook without you actually having a Facebook. You’ve googled, binged, yahooed, and background checked the terms “The Drummer’s Real Name Murderer, Felon, Arrested” as many times as you could. You’ve creeped on his YouTube page several hundred times, pausing at that one good side angle of his face and imagined it in front of yours. This will be just fine.

And just like that, he became my boo.

Yes. That must be the LAMEST nickname in the world to give your boyfriend, but I don’t like calling him baaaaabe, baby, or hunny. I’ve never really called anyone those words except for The Ex and for some reason it just doesn’t fit The Drummer. I started calling him boo as a joke. Honestly, total joke. But it stuck. And hey, I’ve heard of worse nicknames.

He’s been absolutely amazing – our relationship has been absolutely amazing. Of course we’ve had our tiffs. Sometimes I’m close minded, and sometimes he’s just a guy, but we both recognize our faults and try to make the best of them. We are certainly not perfect, but we’re happy.

This relationship is different this time around. I used to worry so much with The Ex. From the very beginning of our relationship to the very end, I was constantly worried. I was never sure about his feelings because I always knew how low I fell on the totem pole. I’ve never expected to be the most important thing in someone else’s life, but dammit I deserve to be one of the important things. When The Drummer and I first got together, I used to ask him if we could see each other on a Friday night since I hadn’t seen him all week and he would just laugh at me. But I’m not used to that. I had to ask my ex to hang out because, to be honest, the answer was “no” a lot of times. Band things, practice, shows, “guys night,” “alone night.” Those were all things that were far more important than seeing me once or twice a week. When we had been together for YEARS, mind you.

But not with my Drummer. If he doesn’t have plans, and I don’t have plans, our plans are together. And it’s nice because I don’t get to see him all the time. During the week, I’m working like a mad dog and working out harder – and he’s doing the same. When I get to his place on Friday, the first thing I do is throw my bag down and hop in his bed. It’s the first time all week that I get to just lay.

I’m flying to Illinios with him on Thanksgiving day to spend the holiday with him and his family. I’ve never met them before since they live so far away and I’m excited to meet the people closest to him. I’m a little nervous because I have to deal with the whole anxiety of Will they like me? thing, but from what he tells me I should be fine.

And that’s pretty much it for Drummer updates. It’s been one great year and I honestly hope I get to spend more with him. So far, it looks like that’s a possibility.

Because It Feels Right

May is my absolute favorite month. And not because it contains the anniversary of my birth. In fact, I sort of dislike my birthday. But anyways, May. Spring. Sunshine (sort of). Even the rain is tolerable. By February/March I am more done with the winter than Kim and Chris Humphries were done upon engagement. I wasn’t meant for cold and dark – I was meant for sunshine. And today is no exception to that.

I sat outside my car on my lunch break and let the sun beat down on my face. I was crying this time last year. I was hopeful, but lost. Happy, yet sad. Yearning but had given up. I was everything that I’m not today, but somewhat exactly the same.

Because I’m unsure about the future. Where will I be in 5 years?

OLD. (No offense. Let me vent).

Hopefully not alone. Though with the amazing people I have in my life, I know that will never be the case.

Stronger? I’ve been lifting. Shoot, it’s amazing what eating healthy and working out can do to your body. In 5 years from now, I better be a freaking rock.

But regardless of all my whereabouts in 5 years, I have other things on my mind. Things that actually matter.

Like how wonderful it is to see trees budding and blooming.

How Orion is hiding itself from the night sky until next winter.

And how at least once a weekend, I get to see a lovely man.

The Drummer.

Woof.

He’s one sweet thing.

Every now and then I catch my mind wandering to where this is going. If he’ll leave me like the ex. If his infatuation will just [poof] disappear. Or rather, if mine will ever as well. I don’t stay too long in that section of my brain because doubt and anxiety do nothing for my esteem and will do certain damage to my current relationship.

We are never meant to know what tomorrow will bring. And that’s what keeps me smiling. Tomorrow could be a disaster. Or it could be the best day of my life. If in this moment I feel happy, then I will soak this feeling up because being present is better than longing for yesterday or praying for tomorrow.

My birthday is on Sunday, but technically it’s on Friday and Saturday too. Friday I’m spending with The Drummer because during college move outs he can’t leave campus, which means my birthday celebrations will have to be without him. But we’re going to have a little celebration just us two, which I’m so excited about. Saturday will be spent with the friends. We’re going to Howl at the Moon, a dueling piano bar in Boston (and other major cities) and wreaking havoc somehow, someway. I always plan some sort of over drinking event for my birthday because I try to forget that I’m a year older. That’s why I HATE May 18th. Because it makes me a year older. And life feels like it passes by so quickly that I don’t have enough time with it. With my twenties. With freedom. I know I’ll get over this ” I don’t want to get old” phase eventually, but dammit I don’t want to.

On Sunday, my actual birthday, I’m planning on spending it like any other Sunday. I’ll work out for a few hours. I’ll prepare all of my lunches and snacks for the following week. And probably cry, because it’s birthday tradition. But the tears will fall a bit lighter this year. Last year the last thing I remembered the night before my birthday was seeing my ex walk away. Ugh, what a memory. This year, I plan on my last memory to be with some pretty amazing people.

And next week, Pennsylvania bound again! That’s for certain. And another certain I am so passionate about – warm weather is coming.

It Happened.

On March 3, 2013 at approximately 7:30 P.M. my heart was held by a lovely man. About 30 minutes later, that same heart was dropped by said man and I knew my life would change forever.

It certainly did.

And oddly enough, I have never felt better.

That night, as soon as I mustered up the strength to stop crying for a moment, I deleted every social media outlet I had.

Twitter.

Instagram.

Facebook.

He would be shunned from my eyes, ears, and mind. For some, if not many, that’s how it has to be.

Go ahead. Tell me of one person who healed properly after a heartbreak by constantly looking at their ex’s pages and staying somewhat in their lives.

And I don’t mean those mutual break-ups we all know of where the two even become best friends.

I mean the break-ups where one person looked to the other as forever and the other reciprocated with “it’s over.”

That kind.

I may have taken it a bit too far, which I regret from time to time.

I completely eliminated any thought of him from my psyche. I ignored his friends, who had become somewhat mine by being with them for close to 4 years. I know now that if I ever saw them again, I would apologize unconditionally for such a dramatic exit. I just couldn’t bear to look at the people I once laughed with whilst holding his hand.

Though all of it was the right thing to do at that moment in time, today is about change & rebirth.

It was the right thing to do because it helped me move on. And that’s what I want to share with you.

I have officially moved on.

I told you guys about my minor breakdown last weekend with The Drummer. I released so much more than tears that night. I released my soul. That part of me that, since last March, spent months building brick walls and never stopping or breaking them for another. The Drummer had nothing to do with it. In fact, I think for a split second he was a bit freaked out by my drunken sad, yet happy face. I still don’t think he fully gets what happened, but that’s okay because he wasn’t supposed to be there for that.

Days after my breakdown, I sort of missed my Instagram. No offense to twitters or facebookers, I still have no interest in being on there. But oh, how I missed taking pictures of my food! You know what they say – PICTURES OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN!

So, I broke down and made an Instagram.

I was looking for people to follow and used my “contacts” on my phone and guess who appeared?

The Ex.

So I clicked on his page. And looked through it.

AND FELT NOTHING.

Not a thing.

Not a tear, not a heart flutter. Nothing.

The only thing I felt was what I can only describe as an old love washed away type of feeling.

It was incredible. I still smirk when I think about it. I’m so freaking over it.

I never thought I’d get here. It makes me want to pour my heart out to all of you who have and are still suffering from the same type of heartbreak. There is hope. I promise you. Each and every one of you. When everyone you talk about your break up to record scratchingly tells you “time heals all wounds…you’ll get over it…you won’t be crying 5 years from now…”

They are totally right. Annoying. But right.

I’ve waited almost 14 months for this moment. Patiently, mind you. And though it hasn’t been easy, it really hasn’t been that difficult either. I took the end of my relationship as the beginning of the relationship with myself, as Eat Pray Love as that sounds – it’s true.

It’s about finding yourself. And changing. And learning to forgive.

Forgiveness.

I’ve never hated my ex on the outside. I’ve always said, I don’t hate him for not loving me anymore. Because I knew that was the right way to feel. But I never felt it on the inside – where my heart is.

Now I truly do. I do not hate my ex. In fact, I can honestly look at our relationship and smile. He isn’t this perfect being held high on my pedestal anymore. He is simply a man that I once loved. And he loved me too. It just didn’t last, nor was it meant to. And none of it was his fault.

His feelings changed. I’m positive that he loved me, and I’m positive that his want to be with me fizzled out. I can’t blame him for that. I used to always say to him when we fought, Don’t blame me for how I feel. You can’t tell me how to feel. And I will not tell him how to feel either. Just like his need for me fizzled out, mine did in time as well.

My story might not be the same as yours. You may have been abused. You may have had a really shitty relationship.

Or it was like mine. Perfect. Then poof. Gone.

If you feel any similiarity to me, please know that you will go on. You will be okay. But ONLY and ONLY IF you believe you will be okay. If you try. I’m not saying you have to feel okay or already be above it by now.

I’m saying you have to take the first steps. You have to walk the hard, uneven road to get to where you want to be.

Let go of the anger you feel towards your ex. Just let it go. Hell, even if it WAS a shitty relationship, you have to let it go. You may sit in it and feel it for a while, but eventually you have to stop. You can’t clean the dirt off yourself by continuing to sit in the mud pile. Nobody moved forward by staying still or walking backwards.

And nobody has it easy. If it was easy, it wasn’t love.

 

 

 Well, now
If little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you
Little by little
If suddenly you forget me
Do not look for me
For I shall already have forgotten you

If you think it long and mad the wind of banners that passes through my life
And you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots
Remember
That on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms
And my roots will set off to seek another land.

-Pablo Neruda

 

 

 

Oh Hey, WordPress.

Um, WordPress? Is that you? Do you remember me?

Does anyone even read my stuff anymore? Haha

My apologies for being an awful blogger. Life has a way of making your interests change with the wind. It isn’t that I’m not interested in writing anymore. It’s just I have been preoccupied with other things that I have less time for internet searching & writing. Plus, the amount of writers block I have surpasses any ability to “publish post.” Like, when I tell you I’m having a hard time blogging, I LEGIT am. I have about a dozen posts where I have a few sentences written in each and they are collecting dust in my drafts. I just have so much to say, how in the hell am I having trouble writing it all down?

I officially finished with classes last week for the summer. I decided to take some months off because the weather is starting to get nicer and I really wanted to enjoy the seasons. Last summer was seriously the best summer I’ve ever had (AND I was single, mind you) and I don’t want this one to be any different. It’ll give me more time to be outside, be with my friends, and of course to work out more.

Which BY THE WAY, I’m 8 lbs over my goal weight and counting! I’m honestly not looking to lose more poundage, it just comes with the territory of working out every day. However, if I lose any more than 9 lbs, I will have to start eating more because then I’d be underweight. Who the hell would have thought I would ever have that issue? Haha!

And I assure you all, it’s from the healthiest way possible. I eat 5 meals a day and workout 4-5 days a week. I keep my body completely nourished and I pay very close attention to what I’m eating. My mom gets all worried because I’m so crazy about it, but she needs to relax. I’ve been quitting smoking, cutting down on drinking, and now I’m addicted to….fitness?…eating healthy? OHHHH THE HORROR! Someone get me a Marlboro.

Jokinnnng.

I’m not going to lie, life has been pretty good. It’s a bit dull because Spring has just sprung and it’s still a bit too cold to venture outside of the business walls, but rest assured I will be out there.

I know some of you may be wondering how me and The Drummer are doing, and honestly I have no complaints. We’ve been dating for about 5 months! Can you believe it? Time has honestly flown and I couldn’t be any happier. We are so different, but mesh together so well and that’s part of the reason I keep coming back for more. He’s intelligent, honest, and I value his opinion because it makes me think of something different than my own – even if I don’t necessarily agree with it. I never would have thought a year ago that I would be where I am, with who I am with, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I did have a bit of a breakdown a few weeks ago. Drunken conversations fueled some tears and frustration in me that I buried pretty deep for a while. OHHH the first Lara cry of the relationship: Drummer, you are officially welcomed into my life. Not with frustrations at him at all – but frustrations in myself. Though I had been going through the motions of the relationship and truly enjoying our time together, I refused to admit to myself that I liked him as much as I do. I never really spoke about him to my friends (though he’s met them) and when people ask how we are I simply just say “fine.” Though I know, it’s more than fine. It’s great. It’s wonderful. And a relationship like ours deserves some boasting. But I had been just so subconsciously afraid of giving “us” that positivity or even anything at all, that I’ve been holding back.

And I can’t do that anymore.

I am happy. And I have to stop being afraid of being happy because that was one of my downfalls of the ex-relationship. I worried for so long that our relationship would end that I never enjoyed it fully.

I have quite the opposite with this relationship – I enjoy it to the fullest because I never know what tomorrow will bring. And I don’t worry anymore. Or worry at all actually.

Life is too short to put any effort into negativity. You just have to take whatever life throws at you and accept it with open arms – even if it knocks you down sometimes.

I’ll elaborate more in the near future – I just wanted to give you guys a quick update on life because it’s been so long. And my writing is awfully rusty. I still read – don’t you worry. I know ALL ABOUT YO LIVES!

And for anyone just tuning in, I will be a better blogger. I promise! As soon as the sun gets hotter, the creative juices will start flowing. Ew. That sounded kind of gross actually.

x

End of Winter Limbo

March 21st.

That’s the last time I’ve blogged. I sometimes wonder what has gotten over me.

Last year I was writing DAILY. The creative juices were flowing like freshly squeezed OJ.

Lack of material? I don’t know. I suppose. Last year I was a serial dater and an avid dancer/city girl extraordinaire. With school, working like crazy, and cold weather, I’m much more of a homebody.

But there’s SO many things I want to write about.

Lack of time? Probably so. School has consumed me these past 5 weeks. I only have 3 more left until I take the summer off, so it is my duty to myself to blog more. To write more. There’s so much going on inside this brain of mine. It’s not like I have lost my thoughts. Or have I?

A lesser anonymity? I let The Drummer read my blog a while ago. I don’t know if he keeps up with it currently, but every now and then I’ll tell him a story and he will reply with the fact that he read it already. Hah. For that reason, I’ve sort of stopped writing about post break-up things though I long to do so. I’d feel awful if he read some of it and took it personally. Like, I shouldn’t still be grieving over my last heartbreak whilst in a new and blossoming relationship. Or should I? Can I? Can I still be hurt at times though I’m fully present in my current relationship? I don’t know the answers to these things, I’m inexperienced in this whole realm of life. I don’t think he’d mind but I’m cautious to ask. Well, I suppose if he reads this then cat’s out of the bag.

The only other person I trust with the URL to my blog is Taco. He’s the only person in my life that knows my thoughts from the very deep depths of my psyche. Some days I have so much to let out. Some days I’m just numb because I’m busy. But on the days where I do want to get things out on here, I hesitate because of who will read my blog. It’s not that I’m trying to keep anything from my relationship with The Drummer. It’s just, I feel like it isn’t fair that he gets to see this side of me – this side that I don’t get to see from him. Knowing someone face to face is so much different than knowing someone’s words. Someone’s writing. It’s more intimate. There’s no holding back. At least when you are face to face, you [should] think before you speak. Here, in my little blog space, I don’t really do much thinking before I write. Of course I think about my topic-that sort of thinking. But, I don’t hold back. Most of the time I feel like I’m just talking to myself. I forget that I have an audience. And then all of a sudden I look at my stats and I’m all like WOAH! I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THAT COUNTRY EXISTED AND SOMEONE FROM THERE READ MY BLOG!

These are issues I need to weed out soon. Because nothing feels better than to write the words that are stuck inside my head all day. I’m surrounded by people that love me daily, but sometimes I feel misunderstood. Or just down right weird for that matter. That’s why I love my blog. Where my weirdness can go into archives.

So I shall write more. When my creativity comes back and I stop being a wuss about what my boyfriend will think of me if he reads my weird shit. And when the weather gets warmer. I know it’s technically spring, but can New England get a little warmer please? Thanks.

Sorry for the word babble. I missed this. And all of you. I still read. Just not as frequent as I should be.

Love your life and most importantly yourself. x