Living

Love After Love

It’s been a few weeks. Maybe a month. My apologies – I’m terrible at keeping up!

However, there’s something that I’ve been dying to write about – because this is my space – my internet journal, if you will – and I need to write it down as an insurance policy, in case I ever forget.

Since my ex, I’d been anxiously pondering what love would feel like after the first one. After the first heartbreak. Would I remember what it felt like? Would it feel the same? Would I be scared?

Well, on our anniversary last month, The Drummer told me he loved me. It was something I wasn’t expecting, but I was ready for. Prior to our anniversary, people started asking me if I loved him. I told them I didn’t know – mostly because I didn’t want to say it out loud. I didn’t want to jinx it. My ex was the first and only person I ever said I love you to- I said it first – and dammit, I swore I’d never say it first again. For several months I’d been quietly looking at the Drummer while we’re laying in bed together and just thinking the words in my head.

I love you.

But I refused to say it out loud. I didn’t need to. I knew how I felt, and not saying it was okay. Because showing it matters more.

But low and behold, on our anniversary night when I was about to fall asleep, I asked him to give me a hug and kiss goodnight because he wasn’t tired yet.

He laid down and looked at me.

You know I love you, right?

What? Huh? Yeah, I know.

….Wait, did you say you loved me?

Yes!

I honestly thought I didn’t hear him right. I didn’t want to respond without being 100% sure I heard him right. Of course, I told him I loved him too. Because I do. Every bit of him. He’s been the kindest, sweetest man, and has treated me better in this little-over-a-year that anyone has treated me in my entire lifetime. We aren’t perfect – but we’re happy. And affectionate. Yet have the perfect amount of space between us to the point where we always miss each other. It’s absolutely lovely.

And in that moment – in that few seconds where our hearts were all laid on the table, or the bed if you want to be technical, I knew it was possible. Yes, Lara. You are able to love again. And it’s real – and true – and genuine. And because of that moment and this relationship I will always remember my capacity to love does not end with one person. To many, that may not be a big surprise but to me it means the world.

I am the proof, my friends. Feeling love after such a tremendous heartbreak is possible. And to answer some of my own questions, it feels the same and different all at the same time. The same because when I look at him I want to just melt with happiness, but different because it’s a more mature kind of love. It’s a more appreciative love. Because I know nothing in this life is every promised to us and we don’t know what tomorrow brings. I refuse to go to bed angry, or leave without telling him I love him, or even without thanking him for something simple like getting me a glass of water. It’s so important to do those little things because that’s what keeps love alive.

Love is a verb. It’s an action. And just because you feel it for someone doesn’t make it constant. You must work at it. Nurture it. Help it grow. And don’t ever stop. Whether you are 17 or 70, loving someone is still something you must do. Many people forget that and let it fall apart at the seams. If you try your hardest and it still falls apart, so be it. But if you let it, shame on you. Because love is one hell of a feeling. And I’ll never forget that again.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of my followers. If you don’t take anything from this post, at least take some love from it, because I have plenty to go around. From my heart to yours, Namaste.

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Frosty Windows

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Though it seems Autumn may signify the death of nature,

it does not.

It preserves – it protects – it strengthens.

The trees still stand tall,

and below the Earth’s surface lies the warmth that we all hold dear to our memories.

Do not fear or dread the winter chill or the long haul of darkness.

Preserve – protect – and strengthen yourself

so when the trees bud and the flowers grow again,

you may grow taller and stronger than the year before.

Embrace the frost.

Embrace yourself.

And though your skin may be cold, keep your heart warm.

Life your life with peace,

and with the certainty that much is uncertain.

An Early Darkness & Big Foot

Something about the clocks changing really gets to me. It’s 4:30 PM, and as I look out at the giant glass windows and doors to the front of the office, all I manage to see is a dark background with the reflection of the inside.

I’m tired already.

All wants from prior to lunch have dispersed into thoughts of pajamas, tea, and TV shows that I’ve never watched before. Yeah, I think it’s important to state that I do NAHT watch much TV. At all. I watch Reign on Thursdays, rewatching True Blood with The Drummer as of right now (he’s never seen it),  Game of Thrones when it comes back on, and I fall asleep to the gentle hymns of a young Will Smith living with his uncle in West Philadelphia.

Between the gym, my boyfriend, family, friends, meal preps, and all of the other stupid adult things I have to do (like LAUNDRY. Ugh.) I rarely have time for TV. So you can imagine what happens to me when I actually have the time for it. It takes me half the evening to pick out something to watch.

The other night, I was on my computer and some Big Foot show was on. In all fairness, I leave the TV on animal planet when I leave my cat JUST in case Too Cute! Kittens comes on and she can realize she isn’t a lone wolf in the story of meows. I glanced up, a little stoned – I won’t lie – and just felt like all of humanity had died within that production crew.

How is this show still on?

They have NEVER FOUND BIGFOOT TO DATE.

[the crew] DID YOU HEAR THAT? DID YOU?

All they do in that show is talk about the sounds they heard. I bet if I walked in the woods at night somewhere in East Bumfuck North America, I would hear weird shit too. Get a grip. You are creating a stagnate youth. It’s people that do shit like that that will keep our civilization from evolving.

Anywho, tonight is one of those nights.

I’ve already worked out this morning, and for the first time in a while I have absolutely no plans. It’s kind of nice. I’ll eat dinner, get a 30ish minute bout of yoga in, and then stare at the TV for a while before opening my computer and browsing the interwebs instead. I think the internet is more tailored to my ADD. The Drummer hates it when I browse my phone while we’re watching something. He thinks it’s because it doesn’t interest me. It’s not that – it’s that I truly cannot sit in one spot for long and direct my attention solely to one thing for an hour. That’s impossible for mwah!

I blame the darkness for my lack of motivation. I have plenty of people whom I haven’t seen in forever that I could call and stop in. But dammit. Dark equals sleep. Dark equals night time which equals sleep! I need to find a way to fight off this demonic early sunset that’s plagued my part of the world. I could never live in those places where darkness ensues for months at a time. I’d be seasonally depressed to the max.

Oh well.

Maybe, like the bears, the winter is a time for human hibernation. Maybe you’re SUPPOSE to stay in, snuggle, drink tea, and get lost in some electronic thing you own. Maybe it’s to gather enough energy to have the Spring/Summer of our lives!

So with that said, I am in hibernation.

Summer Came & Went

Well, considering I haven’t written a single thing since JUNE, I assume I should do some “catch up” until I get to a somewhat present moment.

The summer flew by faster than it ever had before. I guess that’s what happens when you spend most of your free time sober. Somewhere between my terrible break up and meeting The Drummer, I had some weird change of the heart and mind. All of my drunken escapades where taking a toll on my body, and since I’d worked so hard on losing weight and getting healthy, I knew this lifestyle couldn’t last forever.

It began in June, when I finally quit smoking cigarettes. I had slowly weaned myself off of them – first by cutting the pack in half, and then another half, until I was down to just 1 per day. Then I ran out of cigarettes one day and just decided that was it.

And That. Was. It.

I don’t care what anyone says. I was a heavy smoker for 14 years. I couldn’t even STAND the thought of quitting before that point, but when I did, it felt like cake. Don’t get me wrong. I will ALWAYS have a love for those little cancer filled sticks of deliciousness, but I couldn’t fucking breathe. It just isn’t worth it.

Once I quit smoking, I started realizing how much more capacity my lungs could hold during workouts.

I CAN BREEEEATHE! I CAN BURPEE! I CAN NOT WANT TO DIE EVERY TIME I RUN!

It’s quite the feeling. You don’t realize how important breathing is until you actually get your ass out of bed and jump around every day. I’m in love with breathing now! And every time I want a smoke, I just think about how hard it would be to accomplish the fitness goals I have with cigarettes.

That’s where my next addiction comes into play…Fitness.

Exercise is the healthiest addiction there is. Of course, there’s always a way to make it completely unhealthy, but when you’ve done as much damage to yourself as I have, it’s hard to get to that point.

I spent ALL summer working out. Every damn morning I was up at 5:30 AM, hauling ass, eating eggs, and then going to work. It feels pretty rad to walk into work and smile at all the tired people – because in my mind I’m all like Yeah, I just jumped around for an hour. Take THAT!

So all my hard work eventually paid off – I surpassed my goal weight by 15 pounds, and am now lifting and focusing on toning and all those other good fake words to describe reshaping my body. I joined a gym so I could have access to all of those fabulous cardio classes that you see in the infomercials AND so I can take yoga classes. I’ve also heavily researched fitness and nutrition and hope to share all of the information I’ve picked up on here to maybe give some inspiration to others because if I can do it..seriously…anyone can.

Before I knew it, summer was gone! My class started at the end of August so the reality of summer’s end slapped me faster than the other people who got to wait until at least LABOR DAY to be depressed.

Not a very enthusiastic summer, but for me it was a rebirth. Less drinking (come on – I still have to let loose once in a while), more moving, and just feeling alive for the first time in a while. And all with a great guy that I met in the depths of online dating world. More on that next time.

Where to Begin?

It took a long time to gather the ability to begin this post. It’s been months since I’ve written. It’s been months since I’ve looked into my soul. The last time I was on here, I gave word that intothebeauty might be no more. That I may delete it. I definitely stepped away for, shit, MONTHS.

But, no.

I couldn’t delete it.

I couldn’t get rid of the one thing that kept me going when my psyche was on life support. This blog helped me through more hard times than I can count. It helped me release the sadness and disgust for this beautiful world we live in. And it helped me connect with people who, one way or another, felt the same exact way.

And now that I’m breathing on my own, how dare I walk away from this?

I’ve wanted to catch up for a while. I just lacked the motivation. I’m not afraid to admit it:

I have been fucking blog lazy.

Not lazy, lazy. I’ve been SO damn busy it’s not even right. Saturday marked the end of another class toward my HR certificate. Two more classes to go! And just recently I was promoted to management at the job I was just about to quit (I’ll fill you in on that later). Not to mention, I’m feeling my age a bit more. Christ, after working like a dog day in and day out it’s so hard to get the motivation to do ANYTHING extracurricular.

But life is too damn short to be lazy, so I’m back.

I was going to scrap this whole page and start with a new one but there’s just no fun in that.

I’m in my twenties. There are the bestworstgreatestcraziestundecided years of my life. I need not start over! I have just BEGUN! And whenever I need a good laugh, I have to be able to turn back time and revisit my crazy dating days. If you’re just tuning in, get the fuck back to my archives. I’ve got some SERIOUS stories within the dating realm.

I’m still in the works trying to co-create my health blog that I’ve been starting with some friends, but that’s taken a pause until we get some stuff worked out. I’m not any good at graphic designing and I refuse to start posting professional shit on a semi professional website.

However since health is such a big part of my life, I will definitely incorporate it here because this blog is all of me, not just bits and pieces.

OH and I’m still with The Drummer. Yup! Our one year is next month. CRAAAAZY. I’ll get to that later.

So, whelp. I’m back. In the flesh, or…the virtual flesh…whatever. I’m here. And I’ve missed you all! I hope to see some fresh faces and as always, some of my old wordpress crew. In the coming weeks, I’ll try to pick up on where I left off as well as incorporate some new shaat to this lovely blog of mine. Let the rebirth of my blog begin!

Hearts, Stars, and Horseshoes

BOOM. HEY. YO. What in the world is up?!

It’s been well over a month since I’ve popped into my corner of the internet. Christ, I can’t believe I still have followers. Writing material just seems so difficult for me to pick from space when my insides aren’t jumbled up into one hot mess of a person. But here I am, for your eyes or not.

I’ve been well. Stagnant, but well. Summer is here in New England, and let me tell you: You have to soak it up all you can because 9 months out of the year it’s cold. As SHIT. Today is actually the first scorch-ah (I had to, sorry) and it’s not even as hot as it’ll get. Thank God for my closet full of dresses. No pants all summer.

I haven’t been up to much since my last post. My birthday passed by without a hitch. Without TEARS. It was amazing. Though I hate being a year older, it definitely has put my future into perspective for me.

First off, I need a new job. Don’t get me wrong, I love my current job. I love what I do. I love the people. I wish there was more for me to do work-wise, but hey, we do have our busy seasons. It’s honestly about the money and growth right now. I can’t grow much here – financially or on the totem pole. And as a 26 year old woman with one degree and another on the way, I deserve much more than I get. I gotta pay Sally Mae back before I kick the can, you know? Being financially stable and racking in more dough to my savings account will set me up for the future – and emergencies.

Secondly, I gotta finish school. I can’t wait! Three more classes. Three more classes and three thousand more dollars and that will be one less bill I have to pay for. And that piece of paper I receive at the end of it all will benefit me far more than my psych degree is right now.

Third – the Drummer brought up an interesting proposition to me last week regarding location. He’s looking at PhD programs both in this state and a few others and the thought of him leaving made me sort of sad. We’ve had the most fun these past 7 months (can you BELIEVE it’s been 7 months?) and I’d just hate to separate after such a good time. And then he proposed that I think about coming with him if it were out of state. I mean, it wouldn’t be for another 14 months, but it’s still a lot to think about. Honestly, I’m young, intelligent, and spunky. I could get a job practically anywhere. And if we weren’t sick of each other after two years of dating, then why the hell not? My home is my sanctuary. I love my family. And the most wonderful thing about them is if things didn’t work out elsewhere, I could always come home. If I have the opportunity to leave, I WILL take it if it feels right because I’ve wanted to leave this state for so long and the time to do it is while I’m still young and resilient.

The only thing holding me back from 100% excitement is my parents. I’ve always worried what they would do when they grew old. Who would care for them? I spoke to my mother the other day and she assured me that if I ever left for good, her and my father would retire to Abu Dhabi (where my brother and his wife live) and be happy. That sort of distance just doesn’t sit right with me. My parents are my world and since I was young and I first learned they weren’t in fact immortal, it has bothered me to no end. Since then, I’ve had an abnormal fear of my parents’ death – Because they are my world, and if my world dies, that leaves me with another hole in my brittle heart. Ugh. Enough, Lara. Seriously.

All of these futuristic thoughts are connected – Finish school –> Better job —> More $$$ —> More savings for a possible out-of-state adventure. And now I have little goals I have set for myself to achieve all of it. Life isn’t to shabby right meow.

So, see? Stagnant. F*cking stagnant. Boring. YAAWWWWN. Are you guys still awake? I’m way boring being in a relationship. Plus, I’ve cut down on the drinking since I’ve become such a health nut these days. Which leads me to my next and final subject….

A New Blog

This blog has been and has done so much for me and I appreciate it and all of you more than you know. However, I find that I have no ammo anymore. I think I’ve exhausted writing about the ex – and that’s what blogging was about for me. Therapy. Healing. I will forever be healing but I’m not sure if it’s as much as I needed previously. I’m on a new adventure in my life and it’s a happier, more positive one. I worked really hard to get here and I will continue to write about what I’m passionate about.

My friend and I are in the works on creating a new blog. One that’s got a mind and body theme – specifically health and wellness. We’re only talking about it right now and haven’t started it up, but for anyone who is interested, I will keep you posted. I know many of you come here for dirty stories and laughs, so I’m on the fence about whether or not I’ll keep this one open for the public, but it’s all just thoughts at the moment. And I know not everyone is into the whole “health” thing, so if there’s any other way that you guys want to connect, drop me your e-mails and we can stay in touch through that portal – or Instagram – I’ve got one of those now HA! Sorry, no Facebook still.

Anywho, I had to write something on here. My blog looked so lonely and isolated. And I wanted to tell you all that intothebeauty might be no longer in the coming months. I don’t know though. Ugh. Eh. Even saying it makes me second guess it. We’ll see.

I love you all. Every single one of you. Until next time.

Because It Feels Right

May is my absolute favorite month. And not because it contains the anniversary of my birth. In fact, I sort of dislike my birthday. But anyways, May. Spring. Sunshine (sort of). Even the rain is tolerable. By February/March I am more done with the winter than Kim and Chris Humphries were done upon engagement. I wasn’t meant for cold and dark – I was meant for sunshine. And today is no exception to that.

I sat outside my car on my lunch break and let the sun beat down on my face. I was crying this time last year. I was hopeful, but lost. Happy, yet sad. Yearning but had given up. I was everything that I’m not today, but somewhat exactly the same.

Because I’m unsure about the future. Where will I be in 5 years?

OLD. (No offense. Let me vent).

Hopefully not alone. Though with the amazing people I have in my life, I know that will never be the case.

Stronger? I’ve been lifting. Shoot, it’s amazing what eating healthy and working out can do to your body. In 5 years from now, I better be a freaking rock.

But regardless of all my whereabouts in 5 years, I have other things on my mind. Things that actually matter.

Like how wonderful it is to see trees budding and blooming.

How Orion is hiding itself from the night sky until next winter.

And how at least once a weekend, I get to see a lovely man.

The Drummer.

Woof.

He’s one sweet thing.

Every now and then I catch my mind wandering to where this is going. If he’ll leave me like the ex. If his infatuation will just [poof] disappear. Or rather, if mine will ever as well. I don’t stay too long in that section of my brain because doubt and anxiety do nothing for my esteem and will do certain damage to my current relationship.

We are never meant to know what tomorrow will bring. And that’s what keeps me smiling. Tomorrow could be a disaster. Or it could be the best day of my life. If in this moment I feel happy, then I will soak this feeling up because being present is better than longing for yesterday or praying for tomorrow.

My birthday is on Sunday, but technically it’s on Friday and Saturday too. Friday I’m spending with The Drummer because during college move outs he can’t leave campus, which means my birthday celebrations will have to be without him. But we’re going to have a little celebration just us two, which I’m so excited about. Saturday will be spent with the friends. We’re going to Howl at the Moon, a dueling piano bar in Boston (and other major cities) and wreaking havoc somehow, someway. I always plan some sort of over drinking event for my birthday because I try to forget that I’m a year older. That’s why I HATE May 18th. Because it makes me a year older. And life feels like it passes by so quickly that I don’t have enough time with it. With my twenties. With freedom. I know I’ll get over this ” I don’t want to get old” phase eventually, but dammit I don’t want to.

On Sunday, my actual birthday, I’m planning on spending it like any other Sunday. I’ll work out for a few hours. I’ll prepare all of my lunches and snacks for the following week. And probably cry, because it’s birthday tradition. But the tears will fall a bit lighter this year. Last year the last thing I remembered the night before my birthday was seeing my ex walk away. Ugh, what a memory. This year, I plan on my last memory to be with some pretty amazing people.

And next week, Pennsylvania bound again! That’s for certain. And another certain I am so passionate about – warm weather is coming.