change

Summer Came & Went

Well, considering I haven’t written a single thing since JUNE, I assume I should do some “catch up” until I get to a somewhat present moment.

The summer flew by faster than it ever had before. I guess that’s what happens when you spend most of your free time sober. Somewhere between my terrible break up and meeting The Drummer, I had some weird change of the heart and mind. All of my drunken escapades where taking a toll on my body, and since I’d worked so hard on losing weight and getting healthy, I knew this lifestyle couldn’t last forever.

It began in June, when I finally quit smoking cigarettes. I had slowly weaned myself off of them – first by cutting the pack in half, and then another half, until I was down to just 1 per day. Then I ran out of cigarettes one day and just decided that was it.

And That. Was. It.

I don’t care what anyone says. I was a heavy smoker for 14 years. I couldn’t even STAND the thought of quitting before that point, but when I did, it felt like cake. Don’t get me wrong. I will ALWAYS have a love for those little cancer filled sticks of deliciousness, but I couldn’t fucking breathe. It just isn’t worth it.

Once I quit smoking, I started realizing how much more capacity my lungs could hold during workouts.

I CAN BREEEEATHE! I CAN BURPEE! I CAN NOT WANT TO DIE EVERY TIME I RUN!

It’s quite the feeling. You don’t realize how important breathing is until you actually get your ass out of bed and jump around every day. I’m in love with breathing now! And every time I want a smoke, I just think about how hard it would be to accomplish the fitness goals I have with cigarettes.

That’s where my next addiction comes into play…Fitness.

Exercise is the healthiest addiction there is. Of course, there’s always a way to make it completely unhealthy, but when you’ve done as much damage to yourself as I have, it’s hard to get to that point.

I spent ALL summer working out. Every damn morning I was up at 5:30 AM, hauling ass, eating eggs, and then going to work. It feels pretty rad to walk into work and smile at all the tired people – because in my mind I’m all like Yeah, I just jumped around for an hour. Take THAT!

So all my hard work eventually paid off – I surpassed my goal weight by 15 pounds, and am now lifting and focusing on toning and all those other good fake words to describe reshaping my body. I joined a gym so I could have access to all of those fabulous cardio classes that you see in the infomercials AND so I can take yoga classes. I’ve also heavily researched fitness and nutrition and hope to share all of the information I’ve picked up on here to maybe give some inspiration to others because if I can do it..seriously…anyone can.

Before I knew it, summer was gone! My class started at the end of August so the reality of summer’s end slapped me faster than the other people who got to wait until at least LABOR DAY to be depressed.

Not a very enthusiastic summer, but for me it was a rebirth. Less drinking (come on – I still have to let loose once in a while), more moving, and just feeling alive for the first time in a while. And all with a great guy that I met in the depths of online dating world. More on that next time.

Advertisements

#100HappyDays Day 3-5: Worth the Weight

Happy Monday Everyone! I tried my absolute hardest to get on here over the weekend to update my 100 Happy Days, but fortunately I was out and about. Yah know, being happy? The whole point of this challenge?!

I had a college reunion with a bunch of my old friends. We haven’t all been out together in years, so it was absolutely amazing to take a step back in time (yet old enough to drink) and get wild with my lady friends. That was totes a day full of happiness.

Sunday was spent with those said friends, getting breakfast at our old hot spot and then making my way home to my lovely family for a day full of reorganizing my LIFE. When I moved home with my parents last September, I thought it was only going to be temporary, so I just sort of just shoved my life into boxes and stuffed them in closets. Well, after over a year of shopping and shopping and (you see I have an issue) more shopping, I ran out of room to put all my crap so I completely revamped my room and threw some serious junk away to make it more of my own space.

Yesterday’s happiness definitely had to go to my family. I appreciate them immensely for letting me stay with them, rent free, while I pay for current college, pay back my last degree, pay for my brand new car, etc. etc. They don’t suffocate me, I feel like just another roommate there, and it isn’t bad that my mom cooks my dinner and folds my laundry sometimes either. HEY MA!

***

Today’s #100HappyDays post is something a little personal and close to my heart. I wanted to make it up to you guys for not posting this weekend. So without further ado:

.Sorry For The Weight.

I have suffered with body image issues, on and off for pretty much of my entire life. I’ve been battling with my weight for 18 years and it hasn’t been a war that I’ve always won. And it definitely hasn’t been easy.

I wasn’t always overweight, either. I was a twig until I was in second grade. One day, I was playing outside in my backyard while my father was mowing the lawn. All of a sudden, a rock flew out and hit me directly in my left eye. That pain was the worst pain I’ve ever suffered. I threw up for hours after the event because the trauma was so bad and finally my parents took me to the hospital only to find out that I had a cataract in my eye and barely any vision left.

I was in the hospital for over a week and after that I was confined to my bed getting eye drops every 2 hours but not being able to move more than that. No running. No jumping. I couldn’t even bend over to pick something up because the doctors were afraid I would suffer from a detached retina.

Finally after seeing specialist after specialist, one eye surgeon found the slightest bit of sight in my eye and put me in for surgery. I underwent cataract surgery and a few years later, Lasik eye surgery. I still have really bad vision, but that’s for another time.

In those few years that I wasn’t able to do anything that an active child was able to do, I put on a little weight. All I could do was eat, and shit, that’s exactly what I did. Middle school threw some bullies at me, but it was maybe one or two boys at the most. I don’t know how I got so lucky, but it still hurt nonetheless.

By 7th grade, my mom signed me up for a weight loss program and I lost 30 lbs. Throw in some puberty boobs and a growth spurt and I looked pretty awesome.

Cue 8th grade and high school: That all went down hill.

Throughout most of my adolescence, I was in the dark. Drugs. Drinking. Smoking. Partying. I was the wildest 14 year old you would ever meet in your life. I was like a guest out of the Steve Wilkos Show. I didn’t slap my mama or anything, but I definitely hit the bottle hard. This topic will most certainly be covered another time because my story is far too long for today’s happiness tale.

During that time, I blindly ate. And drank. And ate. And ate. Until finally by my senior year of high school/freshman year of college, I tipped the scale at a staggering 210 pounds. To be completely honest, when I looked in the mirror back then, I had NO idea I was that big. I don’t know if it was my adolescent drug induced haze or maybe the beginning of my happy life that distorted my perception of myself, but I’m glad I realize it now.

And here, we have the before picture:

unnamed

Sorry about the awful red streak across my face, I try to keep myself anonymous though I’m sure it doesn’t work too well haha

When I got to college, I had no car. I think that’s what honestly saved my life. I had to walk EVERYWHERE. I had to walk to get food, to go to class, to go to my friends’ houses, etc. It got me moving. WAY more than I ever moved in my life. And by the end of my sophomore year of college, I was getting compliments that completely confused me.

All of a sudden, I started glancing at pictures like the one I just showed you and my jaw dropped.

WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL? DID I REALLY LOOK LIKE THAT?

HOW IN THE WORLD DID I MISS THAT?

IWASAHOUSE.

It was then that I started to care a little bit more about what I ate. It was an extremely slow process. I started out by just paying attention to my nutrition. I mean, it was still college so I definitely had my fair share of pizza, but I traded most things for Smart Ones and cereal after I realized the old me could make a cup of water quiver with every step like I was in Jurassic Park.

Over the years, I’ve learned SO much about food. Nutrition. Good foods. Bad foods. And the scientific reasoning and processes behind everything we eat. I now tailor my diet to my specific personality. I eat all the healthy foods I love, but on Saturdays I get to crack out on pizza. It’s my favorite food, and dammit obesity, you will NOT take pizza away from me.

Once I realized eating right just wasn’t going to cut it alone, I started working out. I’ve been really into it for almost a consistent year, and in and out of the game for a few years. To go from never working out to trying to be hardcore is tough. I HATED working out. Honestly, when you’re fat and tired from walking up a flight of stairs, why in the world would you want to work out for an hour? It took an easing into it and now I love working out. I switch it up all the time and I make sure I’m always having fun.

Now I know I know, where’s the after picture right? First off, I just want to apologize for my Charlie’s Angels stance. I don’t have any social media and it was the only picture I could find with a full body side profile.

And now…

unnamed

That’s me a few months ago. I’ve actually lost 8 or 9 lbs. since then, so as you can tell, the work is never finished. I’m 70 pounds lighter. SEVENTY POUNDS!

It’s been hard. It’s been a long road. I have cried many, many, times, but I am stronger now than I ever was. I have 10 lbs. to go before I am at my dream weight. The weight I’ve always wanted to be. And I think I’m going to cry harder than ever when I reach that. But this time, it will be tears of joy.

So today, I am happy for the determination and hard work it took to get me where I am today with my health. I have struggled with this for my entire life and I probably will continue to struggle with it for the remainder.

But like I always say, life isn’t easy. And if this is a challenge that I have to face to be the happiest person possible, well then,

GAME ON.

 

Falling into Winter

Falling into Winter

As each red and orange autumn leaf fell from the trees,
I began to let go of this year.
I said goodbye to many people
I left behind old experiences
And just as the snow blankets those dried up leaves
So will be the illusions and memories of my past.
Dead, yet preserved.
Covered, but not forgotten.
For every time I kick a patch of snow
I’ll see that hue of brown
And remember how alive they once were.
I won’t mourn their demise.
I’ll just close my eyes and breathe deeply
Because I know the only constants in life
Are the continuity of time
And the inevitability of change.
In a few chilling, short months
The trees will bud with new life,
My soul will bloom,
And I will embrace the sun again
Because remembering that
Spring is only a few seasons away
Is enough to leave a twinkle in my eye all winter.