break ups

The Saddest Break Up Tale.

We were together for years. And over the last few months, my heart has been breaking piece by piece.

The others were never good enough. They left me with a bad taste, and I knew my nights with them would never last. They were most certainly one night stands, and for a while, I felt like that was all I’d ever have.

But then, I saw him and experienced all of his glory.. He was one of very few words. He never spoke back, got sassy, or told me I was wrong. Actually, being with him made me feel so right. He lifted me up when I was down and made me fly when I was already high. And for the first time in my life, I thought I had met my match.

It wasn’t until early this year, when I started changing my life around that things got rough with us. I began trying to be healthier, and in turn spent less time with him. I think the distance made him angry – because every time we actually got together, it was short lived and I always went to bed alone with a sick feeling in my stomach.

It wasn’t until last month, when I thought I’d give it one more shot, that I truly knew it was over. I thought it would be sweet to spend the Halloween weeks together in Salem Massachusetts, where celebrating before the actual holiday wouldn’t be so out of the ordinary.

We had dinner, which was lovely, and everything went fine for a few hours. We met again at a tavern and I thought the chill running through me was just from the cold. But alas, it was not. I got home and felt that same sick, sad feeling in my stomach. I could hear him yelling at me as I wept and vomited in the bathroom.

YOU’RE NOT THE SAME! YOU CAN’T HANDLE ME ANYMORE, CAN YOU?

And just like that, I knew. No, sir. I cannot handle you anymore. My healthy lifestyle has torn me from your sweet aroma. My clean body and mind makes it difficult to spend any reasonable amount of time with you. It hurts to be without you, but it hurts more when I’m with you.

We had many great, wonderful years together. I’ll never forget how happy he made me feel. I’ve started moving on, slowly but surely, and I know that even though we aren’t together, I’m in a great place in my life. Time will only tell if we ever meet again. Maybe a short embrace here and there, but that’s all we’ll ever have between us.

Jameson, I will always love you. Thank you for the time we did have. Until we meet again.

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It Happened.

On March 3, 2013 at approximately 7:30 P.M. my heart was held by a lovely man. About 30 minutes later, that same heart was dropped by said man and I knew my life would change forever.

It certainly did.

And oddly enough, I have never felt better.

That night, as soon as I mustered up the strength to stop crying for a moment, I deleted every social media outlet I had.

Twitter.

Instagram.

Facebook.

He would be shunned from my eyes, ears, and mind. For some, if not many, that’s how it has to be.

Go ahead. Tell me of one person who healed properly after a heartbreak by constantly looking at their ex’s pages and staying somewhat in their lives.

And I don’t mean those mutual break-ups we all know of where the two even become best friends.

I mean the break-ups where one person looked to the other as forever and the other reciprocated with “it’s over.”

That kind.

I may have taken it a bit too far, which I regret from time to time.

I completely eliminated any thought of him from my psyche. I ignored his friends, who had become somewhat mine by being with them for close to 4 years. I know now that if I ever saw them again, I would apologize unconditionally for such a dramatic exit. I just couldn’t bear to look at the people I once laughed with whilst holding his hand.

Though all of it was the right thing to do at that moment in time, today is about change & rebirth.

It was the right thing to do because it helped me move on. And that’s what I want to share with you.

I have officially moved on.

I told you guys about my minor breakdown last weekend with The Drummer. I released so much more than tears that night. I released my soul. That part of me that, since last March, spent months building brick walls and never stopping or breaking them for another. The Drummer had nothing to do with it. In fact, I think for a split second he was a bit freaked out by my drunken sad, yet happy face. I still don’t think he fully gets what happened, but that’s okay because he wasn’t supposed to be there for that.

Days after my breakdown, I sort of missed my Instagram. No offense to twitters or facebookers, I still have no interest in being on there. But oh, how I missed taking pictures of my food! You know what they say – PICTURES OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN!

So, I broke down and made an Instagram.

I was looking for people to follow and used my “contacts” on my phone and guess who appeared?

The Ex.

So I clicked on his page. And looked through it.

AND FELT NOTHING.

Not a thing.

Not a tear, not a heart flutter. Nothing.

The only thing I felt was what I can only describe as an old love washed away type of feeling.

It was incredible. I still smirk when I think about it. I’m so freaking over it.

I never thought I’d get here. It makes me want to pour my heart out to all of you who have and are still suffering from the same type of heartbreak. There is hope. I promise you. Each and every one of you. When everyone you talk about your break up to record scratchingly tells you “time heals all wounds…you’ll get over it…you won’t be crying 5 years from now…”

They are totally right. Annoying. But right.

I’ve waited almost 14 months for this moment. Patiently, mind you. And though it hasn’t been easy, it really hasn’t been that difficult either. I took the end of my relationship as the beginning of the relationship with myself, as Eat Pray Love as that sounds – it’s true.

It’s about finding yourself. And changing. And learning to forgive.

Forgiveness.

I’ve never hated my ex on the outside. I’ve always said, I don’t hate him for not loving me anymore. Because I knew that was the right way to feel. But I never felt it on the inside – where my heart is.

Now I truly do. I do not hate my ex. In fact, I can honestly look at our relationship and smile. He isn’t this perfect being held high on my pedestal anymore. He is simply a man that I once loved. And he loved me too. It just didn’t last, nor was it meant to. And none of it was his fault.

His feelings changed. I’m positive that he loved me, and I’m positive that his want to be with me fizzled out. I can’t blame him for that. I used to always say to him when we fought, Don’t blame me for how I feel. You can’t tell me how to feel. And I will not tell him how to feel either. Just like his need for me fizzled out, mine did in time as well.

My story might not be the same as yours. You may have been abused. You may have had a really shitty relationship.

Or it was like mine. Perfect. Then poof. Gone.

If you feel any similiarity to me, please know that you will go on. You will be okay. But ONLY and ONLY IF you believe you will be okay. If you try. I’m not saying you have to feel okay or already be above it by now.

I’m saying you have to take the first steps. You have to walk the hard, uneven road to get to where you want to be.

Let go of the anger you feel towards your ex. Just let it go. Hell, even if it WAS a shitty relationship, you have to let it go. You may sit in it and feel it for a while, but eventually you have to stop. You can’t clean the dirt off yourself by continuing to sit in the mud pile. Nobody moved forward by staying still or walking backwards.

And nobody has it easy. If it was easy, it wasn’t love.

 

 

 Well, now
If little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you
Little by little
If suddenly you forget me
Do not look for me
For I shall already have forgotten you

If you think it long and mad the wind of banners that passes through my life
And you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots
Remember
That on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms
And my roots will set off to seek another land.

-Pablo Neruda

 

 

 

Oh Hey, WordPress.

Um, WordPress? Is that you? Do you remember me?

Does anyone even read my stuff anymore? Haha

My apologies for being an awful blogger. Life has a way of making your interests change with the wind. It isn’t that I’m not interested in writing anymore. It’s just I have been preoccupied with other things that I have less time for internet searching & writing. Plus, the amount of writers block I have surpasses any ability to “publish post.” Like, when I tell you I’m having a hard time blogging, I LEGIT am. I have about a dozen posts where I have a few sentences written in each and they are collecting dust in my drafts. I just have so much to say, how in the hell am I having trouble writing it all down?

I officially finished with classes last week for the summer. I decided to take some months off because the weather is starting to get nicer and I really wanted to enjoy the seasons. Last summer was seriously the best summer I’ve ever had (AND I was single, mind you) and I don’t want this one to be any different. It’ll give me more time to be outside, be with my friends, and of course to work out more.

Which BY THE WAY, I’m 8 lbs over my goal weight and counting! I’m honestly not looking to lose more poundage, it just comes with the territory of working out every day. However, if I lose any more than 9 lbs, I will have to start eating more because then I’d be underweight. Who the hell would have thought I would ever have that issue? Haha!

And I assure you all, it’s from the healthiest way possible. I eat 5 meals a day and workout 4-5 days a week. I keep my body completely nourished and I pay very close attention to what I’m eating. My mom gets all worried because I’m so crazy about it, but she needs to relax. I’ve been quitting smoking, cutting down on drinking, and now I’m addicted to….fitness?…eating healthy? OHHHH THE HORROR! Someone get me a Marlboro.

Jokinnnng.

I’m not going to lie, life has been pretty good. It’s a bit dull because Spring has just sprung and it’s still a bit too cold to venture outside of the business walls, but rest assured I will be out there.

I know some of you may be wondering how me and The Drummer are doing, and honestly I have no complaints. We’ve been dating for about 5 months! Can you believe it? Time has honestly flown and I couldn’t be any happier. We are so different, but mesh together so well and that’s part of the reason I keep coming back for more. He’s intelligent, honest, and I value his opinion because it makes me think of something different than my own – even if I don’t necessarily agree with it. I never would have thought a year ago that I would be where I am, with who I am with, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I did have a bit of a breakdown a few weeks ago. Drunken conversations fueled some tears and frustration in me that I buried pretty deep for a while. OHHH the first Lara cry of the relationship: Drummer, you are officially welcomed into my life. Not with frustrations at him at all – but frustrations in myself. Though I had been going through the motions of the relationship and truly enjoying our time together, I refused to admit to myself that I liked him as much as I do. I never really spoke about him to my friends (though he’s met them) and when people ask how we are I simply just say “fine.” Though I know, it’s more than fine. It’s great. It’s wonderful. And a relationship like ours deserves some boasting. But I had been just so subconsciously afraid of giving “us” that positivity or even anything at all, that I’ve been holding back.

And I can’t do that anymore.

I am happy. And I have to stop being afraid of being happy because that was one of my downfalls of the ex-relationship. I worried for so long that our relationship would end that I never enjoyed it fully.

I have quite the opposite with this relationship – I enjoy it to the fullest because I never know what tomorrow will bring. And I don’t worry anymore. Or worry at all actually.

Life is too short to put any effort into negativity. You just have to take whatever life throws at you and accept it with open arms – even if it knocks you down sometimes.

I’ll elaborate more in the near future – I just wanted to give you guys a quick update on life because it’s been so long. And my writing is awfully rusty. I still read – don’t you worry. I know ALL ABOUT YO LIVES!

And for anyone just tuning in, I will be a better blogger. I promise! As soon as the sun gets hotter, the creative juices will start flowing. Ew. That sounded kind of gross actually.

x

I Can See Clearly Now

I got new glasses yesterday. I happen to be pretty much blind as a bat – near and far sighted in each eye, a different prescription for each. It’s insane that I’ve gone this long without specks. Got my reading ones last week and the all the time ones yesterday.

So I pick Taco up after work for our Wednesday workouts. I’m raving on and on about how I can’t stop looking at street signs and far away font because I can actually read the words.

“Oh my God, Taco. I can see so much better now, I—-aaaaaaaaand there’s [ex].”

Yup. Whilst raving about my new clear vision, I get a clear view of my ex driving by me.

It was weird.

I haven’t seen him since last May, when he almost ruined my birthday.

He showed up to the bar 10 minutes before closing.

Drunk.

And took me outside and called me pretty.

And then said how sad this was.

We stared at each other for the last 10 minutes. Hugged.

And then turned around and walked away in totally opposite directions.

I shit you not. That’s what happened.

Thanks bro. Happy Birthday to me.

Yesterday stung. Just a little. Just a tiny little pea pod of a little sting.

Not sure if that ever goes away.

It was just a reminder of what feeling something was like.

Every now and then I catch myself numb about love.

I like my boyfriend. Don’t get me wrong. He makes me smile. A lot.

And I am so happy with our little relationship.

But I still have this wall. This shield over me.

And it protects me so much that I know if anything were to happen to us, I would be bummed, but not broken.

I know I can only hold a wall up for so long.

And I don’t want it to fall on me.

I want it to be taken down gracefully.

But we’re not there yet. And that’s okay.

Yesterday stung for a second, but I laughed for 5 minutes after.

I think that’s a good ratio. Word. Up.

Unlikely Gratitude.

I am thankful.

 For my troubled childhood;

it has made me a stronger adult.

 To know what death feels like,

because it taught me how to live.

For every cut, bruise, and scar,

there is a reminder of lessons learned.

For every tear drop on my pillow,

there came the victory of a smile.

For every negative person who has passed through my life,

you showed me how to walk away.

For even the most torturous heartbreak,

I was given a chance to exude unconditional love.

Every yell, scream, and shout I’ve heard,

has taught me how to practice patience.

***

To be thankful for unlikely experiences is a victory in itself.

Every ounce of pain has entered me into life’s game of challenges.

And I am grateful.

For every bit. Every crash. Every bang. Every shake up.

Because through the fog of negativity,

A strong woman breaks through.

Just because the journey can be blind to the eye

Doesn’t mean it cannot be seen with the soul.

I always know it will be okay,

and for that, I am thankful.

Strength

I felt odd feelings today. I never knew one could feel happy, sad, and numb all at the same time. Is that possible? Can you feel full, yet empty? Fulfilled, but unsatisfied? Stronger, but with a dash of weakness?

For someone on a date-cation, it felt as though I had a sign on that read “talk to me” all weekend. Every bar I went to, every eye I caught was an open invitation for conversation. For compliments. For courting. But I passed on each. I need “me” time. I need to regroup. I can’t keep waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet. I need to sweep myself up. And I have, but I want more out of myself. I NEED more out of myself.

I gave my mother my old computer today. I bought a flash drive so I could clean it up for her. I’ve had that computer for 5 years, and in about 5 minutes I stumbled upon memories that threw me for an unintentional loop.

Pictures. Countless pictures of me and my ex. 6 months ago I would have had a meltdown, but today I didn’t. I just kept pressing [delete].

The picture of our knees side by side at the lake we used to lay by and talk about life. [delete]

The one of us at my college graduation. [delete]

The one from one of our overly simple anniversaries. [delete]

Every picture. 4 years of memories. [delete] [delete] [delete]

And then, [empty recycle bin]

It was liberating. It was dreadful. It was a lot of things. But what it wasn’t? Devastating. For the first time in a while, I didn’t feel the need to break down. Sure, I still have this unnecessary resentment toward him. How I couldn’t be good enough for the most simple man in the world makes it discouraging to think I’d be able to make any complicated man happy. But I know I can. Discouraging, yes. But I’m not a lost cause.

I kept one thing though. The only thing I’ll ever keep from our relationship. It was a letter I had written him the first time he broke up with me. We had almost made it a year and he left me for the same reason he left me for the last time. I was going to post the letter but it was so raw and almost pathetic and I just couldn’t gather myself up to do it. I told him what an amazing person he was. I told him I’ll be okay someday and that I really hope we could be friends. I told him that although it didn’t work out with us, our relationship wasn’t in vain. It was with purpose: To show myself that I was able to love and to be loved. Before I met him I honestly thought I had an issue with emotions, with feeling something for someone. He showed me that I AM able to feel that way about another. More importantly, he showed me that a man was capable of loving me. I mattered to someone. And I know I’ll matter to someone again, but most importantly I matter to myself. It’s amazing how the Lara when I was 21 is so unbelievably different than the Lara I am now. I remember writing that letter almost as an indirect plea to get him to come back to me. I honestly think that letter did make him come back.

But this time, I didn’t write a letter. I didn’t call him constantly. I didn’t beg. I didn’t plea. I walked away. And honestly, I think that was the best decision I’ve ever made. A huge weight was lifted on my shoulders that day. I spent so long trying to keep a relationship together-I was just exhausted. Adele was right when she wrote “I can’t make you love me.” And I never want to make someone love me. I want it to be effortless. Because loving him was absolutely effortless at one time. As soon as it became more work than worth, I should have walked away then. But that’s what unconditional love is. All I need now is someone who is just unconditional to me.

I’m keeping that letter to remind myself of how pathetic I was and how strong I AM. I’ll never try to force magic again. The only thing that I pride my 21 year old self on was the fact that I told him I’d be okay. I’m so happy that even through that dark heartbreak, I knew I was going to be okay. You go, 21 year old Lara. Way to always see the light at the end of the tunnel.

So, the date-cation lives on. For how long? I don’t know. As long as I want. I call the shots with my life. And truth be told, I’m happier having a relationship with myself than anyone else right now, although it does suck that I have to pay for my own dinner.

As Samantha Jones once said, “I love you. But I love me more.”