On March 3, 2013 at approximately 7:30 P.M. my heart was held by a lovely man. About 30 minutes later, that same heart was dropped by said man and I knew my life would change forever.
It certainly did.
And oddly enough, I have never felt better.
That night, as soon as I mustered up the strength to stop crying for a moment, I deleted every social media outlet I had.
He would be shunned from my eyes, ears, and mind. For some, if not many, that’s how it has to be.
Go ahead. Tell me of one person who healed properly after a heartbreak by constantly looking at their ex’s pages and staying somewhat in their lives.
And I don’t mean those mutual break-ups we all know of where the two even become best friends.
I mean the break-ups where one person looked to the other as forever and the other reciprocated with “it’s over.”
I may have taken it a bit too far, which I regret from time to time.
I completely eliminated any thought of him from my psyche. I ignored his friends, who had become somewhat mine by being with them for close to 4 years. I know now that if I ever saw them again, I would apologize unconditionally for such a dramatic exit. I just couldn’t bear to look at the people I once laughed with whilst holding his hand.
Though all of it was the right thing to do at that moment in time, today is about change & rebirth.
It was the right thing to do because it helped me move on. And that’s what I want to share with you.
I have officially moved on.
I told you guys about my minor breakdown last weekend with The Drummer. I released so much more than tears that night. I released my soul. That part of me that, since last March, spent months building brick walls and never stopping or breaking them for another. The Drummer had nothing to do with it. In fact, I think for a split second he was a bit freaked out by my drunken sad, yet happy face. I still don’t think he fully gets what happened, but that’s okay because he wasn’t supposed to be there for that.
Days after my breakdown, I sort of missed my Instagram. No offense to twitters or facebookers, I still have no interest in being on there. But oh, how I missed taking pictures of my food! You know what they say – PICTURES OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN!
So, I broke down and made an Instagram.
I was looking for people to follow and used my “contacts” on my phone and guess who appeared?
So I clicked on his page. And looked through it.
AND FELT NOTHING.
Not a thing.
Not a tear, not a heart flutter. Nothing.
The only thing I felt was what I can only describe as an old love washed away type of feeling.
It was incredible. I still smirk when I think about it. I’m so freaking over it.
I never thought I’d get here. It makes me want to pour my heart out to all of you who have and are still suffering from the same type of heartbreak. There is hope. I promise you. Each and every one of you. When everyone you talk about your break up to record scratchingly tells you “time heals all wounds…you’ll get over it…you won’t be crying 5 years from now…”
They are totally right. Annoying. But right.
I’ve waited almost 14 months for this moment. Patiently, mind you. And though it hasn’t been easy, it really hasn’t been that difficult either. I took the end of my relationship as the beginning of the relationship with myself, as Eat Pray Love as that sounds – it’s true.
It’s about finding yourself. And changing. And learning to forgive.
I’ve never hated my ex on the outside. I’ve always said, I don’t hate him for not loving me anymore. Because I knew that was the right way to feel. But I never felt it on the inside – where my heart is.
Now I truly do. I do not hate my ex. In fact, I can honestly look at our relationship and smile. He isn’t this perfect being held high on my pedestal anymore. He is simply a man that I once loved. And he loved me too. It just didn’t last, nor was it meant to. And none of it was his fault.
His feelings changed. I’m positive that he loved me, and I’m positive that his want to be with me fizzled out. I can’t blame him for that. I used to always say to him when we fought, Don’t blame me for how I feel. You can’t tell me how to feel. And I will not tell him how to feel either. Just like his need for me fizzled out, mine did in time as well.
My story might not be the same as yours. You may have been abused. You may have had a really shitty relationship.
Or it was like mine. Perfect. Then poof. Gone.
If you feel any similiarity to me, please know that you will go on. You will be okay. But ONLY and ONLY IF you believe you will be okay. If you try. I’m not saying you have to feel okay or already be above it by now.
I’m saying you have to take the first steps. You have to walk the hard, uneven road to get to where you want to be.
Let go of the anger you feel towards your ex. Just let it go. Hell, even if it WAS a shitty relationship, you have to let it go. You may sit in it and feel it for a while, but eventually you have to stop. You can’t clean the dirt off yourself by continuing to sit in the mud pile. Nobody moved forward by staying still or walking backwards.
And nobody has it easy. If it was easy, it wasn’t love.
If little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you
Little by little
If suddenly you forget me
Do not look for me
For I shall already have forgotten you
If you think it long and mad the wind of banners that passes through my life
And you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots
That on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms
And my roots will set off to seek another land.