blogging

Love After Love

It’s been a few weeks. Maybe a month. My apologies – I’m terrible at keeping up!

However, there’s something that I’ve been dying to write about – because this is my space – my internet journal, if you will – and I need to write it down as an insurance policy, in case I ever forget.

Since my ex, I’d been anxiously pondering what love would feel like after the first one. After the first heartbreak. Would I remember what it felt like? Would it feel the same? Would I be scared?

Well, on our anniversary last month, The Drummer told me he loved me. It was something I wasn’t expecting, but I was ready for. Prior to our anniversary, people started asking me if I loved him. I told them I didn’t know – mostly because I didn’t want to say it out loud. I didn’t want to jinx it. My ex was the first and only person I ever said I love you to- I said it first – and dammit, I swore I’d never say it first again. For several months I’d been quietly looking at the Drummer while we’re laying in bed together and just thinking the words in my head.

I love you.

But I refused to say it out loud. I didn’t need to. I knew how I felt, and not saying it was okay. Because showing it matters more.

But low and behold, on our anniversary night when I was about to fall asleep, I asked him to give me a hug and kiss goodnight because he wasn’t tired yet.

He laid down and looked at me.

You know I love you, right?

What? Huh? Yeah, I know.

….Wait, did you say you loved me?

Yes!

I honestly thought I didn’t hear him right. I didn’t want to respond without being 100% sure I heard him right. Of course, I told him I loved him too. Because I do. Every bit of him. He’s been the kindest, sweetest man, and has treated me better in this little-over-a-year that anyone has treated me in my entire lifetime. We aren’t perfect – but we’re happy. And affectionate. Yet have the perfect amount of space between us to the point where we always miss each other. It’s absolutely lovely.

And in that moment – in that few seconds where our hearts were all laid on the table, or the bed if you want to be technical, I knew it was possible. Yes, Lara. You are able to love again. And it’s real – and true – and genuine. And because of that moment and this relationship I will always remember my capacity to love does not end with one person. To many, that may not be a big surprise but to me it means the world.

I am the proof, my friends. Feeling love after such a tremendous heartbreak is possible. And to answer some of my own questions, it feels the same and different all at the same time. The same because when I look at him I want to just melt with happiness, but different because it’s a more mature kind of love. It’s a more appreciative love. Because I know nothing in this life is every promised to us and we don’t know what tomorrow brings. I refuse to go to bed angry, or leave without telling him I love him, or even without thanking him for something simple like getting me a glass of water. It’s so important to do those little things because that’s what keeps love alive.

Love is a verb. It’s an action. And just because you feel it for someone doesn’t make it constant. You must work at it. Nurture it. Help it grow. And don’t ever stop. Whether you are 17 or 70, loving someone is still something you must do. Many people forget that and let it fall apart at the seams. If you try your hardest and it still falls apart, so be it. But if you let it, shame on you. Because love is one hell of a feeling. And I’ll never forget that again.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of my followers. If you don’t take anything from this post, at least take some love from it, because I have plenty to go around. From my heart to yours, Namaste.

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An Early Darkness & Big Foot

Something about the clocks changing really gets to me. It’s 4:30 PM, and as I look out at the giant glass windows and doors to the front of the office, all I manage to see is a dark background with the reflection of the inside.

I’m tired already.

All wants from prior to lunch have dispersed into thoughts of pajamas, tea, and TV shows that I’ve never watched before. Yeah, I think it’s important to state that I do NAHT watch much TV. At all. I watch Reign on Thursdays, rewatching True Blood with The Drummer as of right now (he’s never seen it),  Game of Thrones when it comes back on, and I fall asleep to the gentle hymns of a young Will Smith living with his uncle in West Philadelphia.

Between the gym, my boyfriend, family, friends, meal preps, and all of the other stupid adult things I have to do (like LAUNDRY. Ugh.) I rarely have time for TV. So you can imagine what happens to me when I actually have the time for it. It takes me half the evening to pick out something to watch.

The other night, I was on my computer and some Big Foot show was on. In all fairness, I leave the TV on animal planet when I leave my cat JUST in case Too Cute! Kittens comes on and she can realize she isn’t a lone wolf in the story of meows. I glanced up, a little stoned – I won’t lie – and just felt like all of humanity had died within that production crew.

How is this show still on?

They have NEVER FOUND BIGFOOT TO DATE.

[the crew] DID YOU HEAR THAT? DID YOU?

All they do in that show is talk about the sounds they heard. I bet if I walked in the woods at night somewhere in East Bumfuck North America, I would hear weird shit too. Get a grip. You are creating a stagnate youth. It’s people that do shit like that that will keep our civilization from evolving.

Anywho, tonight is one of those nights.

I’ve already worked out this morning, and for the first time in a while I have absolutely no plans. It’s kind of nice. I’ll eat dinner, get a 30ish minute bout of yoga in, and then stare at the TV for a while before opening my computer and browsing the interwebs instead. I think the internet is more tailored to my ADD. The Drummer hates it when I browse my phone while we’re watching something. He thinks it’s because it doesn’t interest me. It’s not that – it’s that I truly cannot sit in one spot for long and direct my attention solely to one thing for an hour. That’s impossible for mwah!

I blame the darkness for my lack of motivation. I have plenty of people whom I haven’t seen in forever that I could call and stop in. But dammit. Dark equals sleep. Dark equals night time which equals sleep! I need to find a way to fight off this demonic early sunset that’s plagued my part of the world. I could never live in those places where darkness ensues for months at a time. I’d be seasonally depressed to the max.

Oh well.

Maybe, like the bears, the winter is a time for human hibernation. Maybe you’re SUPPOSE to stay in, snuggle, drink tea, and get lost in some electronic thing you own. Maybe it’s to gather enough energy to have the Spring/Summer of our lives!

So with that said, I am in hibernation.

Where to Begin?

It took a long time to gather the ability to begin this post. It’s been months since I’ve written. It’s been months since I’ve looked into my soul. The last time I was on here, I gave word that intothebeauty might be no more. That I may delete it. I definitely stepped away for, shit, MONTHS.

But, no.

I couldn’t delete it.

I couldn’t get rid of the one thing that kept me going when my psyche was on life support. This blog helped me through more hard times than I can count. It helped me release the sadness and disgust for this beautiful world we live in. And it helped me connect with people who, one way or another, felt the same exact way.

And now that I’m breathing on my own, how dare I walk away from this?

I’ve wanted to catch up for a while. I just lacked the motivation. I’m not afraid to admit it:

I have been fucking blog lazy.

Not lazy, lazy. I’ve been SO damn busy it’s not even right. Saturday marked the end of another class toward my HR certificate. Two more classes to go! And just recently I was promoted to management at the job I was just about to quit (I’ll fill you in on that later). Not to mention, I’m feeling my age a bit more. Christ, after working like a dog day in and day out it’s so hard to get the motivation to do ANYTHING extracurricular.

But life is too damn short to be lazy, so I’m back.

I was going to scrap this whole page and start with a new one but there’s just no fun in that.

I’m in my twenties. There are the bestworstgreatestcraziestundecided years of my life. I need not start over! I have just BEGUN! And whenever I need a good laugh, I have to be able to turn back time and revisit my crazy dating days. If you’re just tuning in, get the fuck back to my archives. I’ve got some SERIOUS stories within the dating realm.

I’m still in the works trying to co-create my health blog that I’ve been starting with some friends, but that’s taken a pause until we get some stuff worked out. I’m not any good at graphic designing and I refuse to start posting professional shit on a semi professional website.

However since health is such a big part of my life, I will definitely incorporate it here because this blog is all of me, not just bits and pieces.

OH and I’m still with The Drummer. Yup! Our one year is next month. CRAAAAZY. I’ll get to that later.

So, whelp. I’m back. In the flesh, or…the virtual flesh…whatever. I’m here. And I’ve missed you all! I hope to see some fresh faces and as always, some of my old wordpress crew. In the coming weeks, I’ll try to pick up on where I left off as well as incorporate some new shaat to this lovely blog of mine. Let the rebirth of my blog begin!

Hearts, Stars, and Horseshoes

BOOM. HEY. YO. What in the world is up?!

It’s been well over a month since I’ve popped into my corner of the internet. Christ, I can’t believe I still have followers. Writing material just seems so difficult for me to pick from space when my insides aren’t jumbled up into one hot mess of a person. But here I am, for your eyes or not.

I’ve been well. Stagnant, but well. Summer is here in New England, and let me tell you: You have to soak it up all you can because 9 months out of the year it’s cold. As SHIT. Today is actually the first scorch-ah (I had to, sorry) and it’s not even as hot as it’ll get. Thank God for my closet full of dresses. No pants all summer.

I haven’t been up to much since my last post. My birthday passed by without a hitch. Without TEARS. It was amazing. Though I hate being a year older, it definitely has put my future into perspective for me.

First off, I need a new job. Don’t get me wrong, I love my current job. I love what I do. I love the people. I wish there was more for me to do work-wise, but hey, we do have our busy seasons. It’s honestly about the money and growth right now. I can’t grow much here – financially or on the totem pole. And as a 26 year old woman with one degree and another on the way, I deserve much more than I get. I gotta pay Sally Mae back before I kick the can, you know? Being financially stable and racking in more dough to my savings account will set me up for the future – and emergencies.

Secondly, I gotta finish school. I can’t wait! Three more classes. Three more classes and three thousand more dollars and that will be one less bill I have to pay for. And that piece of paper I receive at the end of it all will benefit me far more than my psych degree is right now.

Third – the Drummer brought up an interesting proposition to me last week regarding location. He’s looking at PhD programs both in this state and a few others and the thought of him leaving made me sort of sad. We’ve had the most fun these past 7 months (can you BELIEVE it’s been 7 months?) and I’d just hate to separate after such a good time. And then he proposed that I think about coming with him if it were out of state. I mean, it wouldn’t be for another 14 months, but it’s still a lot to think about. Honestly, I’m young, intelligent, and spunky. I could get a job practically anywhere. And if we weren’t sick of each other after two years of dating, then why the hell not? My home is my sanctuary. I love my family. And the most wonderful thing about them is if things didn’t work out elsewhere, I could always come home. If I have the opportunity to leave, I WILL take it if it feels right because I’ve wanted to leave this state for so long and the time to do it is while I’m still young and resilient.

The only thing holding me back from 100% excitement is my parents. I’ve always worried what they would do when they grew old. Who would care for them? I spoke to my mother the other day and she assured me that if I ever left for good, her and my father would retire to Abu Dhabi (where my brother and his wife live) and be happy. That sort of distance just doesn’t sit right with me. My parents are my world and since I was young and I first learned they weren’t in fact immortal, it has bothered me to no end. Since then, I’ve had an abnormal fear of my parents’ death – Because they are my world, and if my world dies, that leaves me with another hole in my brittle heart. Ugh. Enough, Lara. Seriously.

All of these futuristic thoughts are connected – Finish school –> Better job —> More $$$ —> More savings for a possible out-of-state adventure. And now I have little goals I have set for myself to achieve all of it. Life isn’t to shabby right meow.

So, see? Stagnant. F*cking stagnant. Boring. YAAWWWWN. Are you guys still awake? I’m way boring being in a relationship. Plus, I’ve cut down on the drinking since I’ve become such a health nut these days. Which leads me to my next and final subject….

A New Blog

This blog has been and has done so much for me and I appreciate it and all of you more than you know. However, I find that I have no ammo anymore. I think I’ve exhausted writing about the ex – and that’s what blogging was about for me. Therapy. Healing. I will forever be healing but I’m not sure if it’s as much as I needed previously. I’m on a new adventure in my life and it’s a happier, more positive one. I worked really hard to get here and I will continue to write about what I’m passionate about.

My friend and I are in the works on creating a new blog. One that’s got a mind and body theme – specifically health and wellness. We’re only talking about it right now and haven’t started it up, but for anyone who is interested, I will keep you posted. I know many of you come here for dirty stories and laughs, so I’m on the fence about whether or not I’ll keep this one open for the public, but it’s all just thoughts at the moment. And I know not everyone is into the whole “health” thing, so if there’s any other way that you guys want to connect, drop me your e-mails and we can stay in touch through that portal – or Instagram – I’ve got one of those now HA! Sorry, no Facebook still.

Anywho, I had to write something on here. My blog looked so lonely and isolated. And I wanted to tell you all that intothebeauty might be no longer in the coming months. I don’t know though. Ugh. Eh. Even saying it makes me second guess it. We’ll see.

I love you all. Every single one of you. Until next time.

End of Winter Limbo

March 21st.

That’s the last time I’ve blogged. I sometimes wonder what has gotten over me.

Last year I was writing DAILY. The creative juices were flowing like freshly squeezed OJ.

Lack of material? I don’t know. I suppose. Last year I was a serial dater and an avid dancer/city girl extraordinaire. With school, working like crazy, and cold weather, I’m much more of a homebody.

But there’s SO many things I want to write about.

Lack of time? Probably so. School has consumed me these past 5 weeks. I only have 3 more left until I take the summer off, so it is my duty to myself to blog more. To write more. There’s so much going on inside this brain of mine. It’s not like I have lost my thoughts. Or have I?

A lesser anonymity? I let The Drummer read my blog a while ago. I don’t know if he keeps up with it currently, but every now and then I’ll tell him a story and he will reply with the fact that he read it already. Hah. For that reason, I’ve sort of stopped writing about post break-up things though I long to do so. I’d feel awful if he read some of it and took it personally. Like, I shouldn’t still be grieving over my last heartbreak whilst in a new and blossoming relationship. Or should I? Can I? Can I still be hurt at times though I’m fully present in my current relationship? I don’t know the answers to these things, I’m inexperienced in this whole realm of life. I don’t think he’d mind but I’m cautious to ask. Well, I suppose if he reads this then cat’s out of the bag.

The only other person I trust with the URL to my blog is Taco. He’s the only person in my life that knows my thoughts from the very deep depths of my psyche. Some days I have so much to let out. Some days I’m just numb because I’m busy. But on the days where I do want to get things out on here, I hesitate because of who will read my blog. It’s not that I’m trying to keep anything from my relationship with The Drummer. It’s just, I feel like it isn’t fair that he gets to see this side of me – this side that I don’t get to see from him. Knowing someone face to face is so much different than knowing someone’s words. Someone’s writing. It’s more intimate. There’s no holding back. At least when you are face to face, you [should] think before you speak. Here, in my little blog space, I don’t really do much thinking before I write. Of course I think about my topic-that sort of thinking. But, I don’t hold back. Most of the time I feel like I’m just talking to myself. I forget that I have an audience. And then all of a sudden I look at my stats and I’m all like WOAH! I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THAT COUNTRY EXISTED AND SOMEONE FROM THERE READ MY BLOG!

These are issues I need to weed out soon. Because nothing feels better than to write the words that are stuck inside my head all day. I’m surrounded by people that love me daily, but sometimes I feel misunderstood. Or just down right weird for that matter. That’s why I love my blog. Where my weirdness can go into archives.

So I shall write more. When my creativity comes back and I stop being a wuss about what my boyfriend will think of me if he reads my weird shit. And when the weather gets warmer. I know it’s technically spring, but can New England get a little warmer please? Thanks.

Sorry for the word babble. I missed this. And all of you. I still read. Just not as frequent as I should be.

Love your life and most importantly yourself. x

Mr. Old Creepy Man

I’m alive! For reals, yo. Have a quick time for a post. Because I’m Lara, and my life is full of craziness, why not add a super creepy stalker to the mix as well?

Back in 2012, when I first moved back in with my family, I had left my bedroom to go hang with my mom. I had JUST finished smoking a bowl so I was all relaxed and zenned out. A few minutes later, I went back up into my bedroom to find several missed calls, voicemails, and text messages from some odd number that I didn’t recognize. The text messages kept asking me if I wanted to sext, so that creeped me out at first. Then, I listened to the voicemails:

Voicemail Number 1:

Old Creepy Man:

(breathes heavily for a few moments) Laaaaahhhhhhraaaaa. Call me back. I’m horny.

Voicemail Number 2:

Old Creepy Man:

(breathes heavily for a few moments and then whispers) I’m touching my dick.

Um. Okay.

Um. Okay.

Voicemail Number 3:

Old Creepy Man:

(breathes heavily for a few moments and then whispers) Caaaaalll me backkkkk.

***

After trying to stop myself from throwing up because I was not only scared but HIGH and panicking, I went through my phone and called all my friends desperately asking them if they pranked me. Nothing. So, I ignored all of the messages and went on with my life. I think Taco actually called him at some point but nothing came of it.

Fast Forward To: Last Saturday.

I’m working out and all of a sudden, my phone starts buzzing.

TWO YEARS LATER, IT’S THAT SAME PHONE NUMBER.

I recognized the number because it had an odd area code and the digits were super easy to memorize. Not to mention, I listened to those creepy messages a bunch of times trying to figure out who it was.

So this time, I answer.

Me: Hello?

Creepy Old Man: HI!

Me: Who the hell is this?

Click.

I WAS NOT HAVING IT.

I called the phone number back and it rang until it reached voicemail. As I’m leaving him a voicemail that closely resembled the famous phone conversation from the movie, Taken, I receive a text message from Old Creepy Man.

i-will-find-you-and-i-will-kill-you-gif

Are you open minded? Be honest.

And then another.

HI.

After I hung up with his voicemail, I texted him back, calling him a loser and told him I was reporting the phone number.

Fast Forward To Saturday Night:

11 PM

I’m at the bar with my friends, drinking Patron on the rocks because I was saving calories and sugar without adding a mixer (Yes, I am THAT nutritionally crazy). I was obviously a little tipsy because I had been there for a few hours already AND MR OLD CREEPER MAN CALLS AGAIN.

So I answer.

Me: What the HELL do you want?

Creepy Old Man In His Old Fucking Creepy Voice: Why you gotta go and start problems with me?

Me: Are you fucking serious? You’ve been sexually harassing me for years!

Creepy Old Man In His Old Fucking Creepy Voice: You’ll never figure out who I am. I’m going to be a mystery forever.

Me: Don’t you worry, darling. I will know who you are soon enough.

Creepy Old Man In His Old Fucking Creepy Voice: Babble, Babble, Creepy Old Man Babble…I was drunk, guys. This is where I started getting paranoid and things got hazy. I ended up hanging up on him.

Needless to say, everyone around me at the bar thought I was psychotically yelling at my boyfriend or something. Which is fine. Can’t please everyone.

I went home later on, laid in my bed, drunk as all hell and freaked out most of the night. I got up twice to check all the locks in the house and just imagined what Creepy Old Man looked like.

family-guy-herbert

I ended up googling his phone number and finding 4 other reports from girls around my area getting the same harassing phone calls for the last few years. They’ve reported it to the police and the police have done NOTHING about it. You know, because they’re gonna wait until I’m fucking kidnapped with duct tape across my mouth to do anything about it.

I blocked the phone number and filed a police report. The cop didn’t sound like he cared, really. But I MADE him care.

I was like, Are you gonna do anything about this? Because I want to press charges. And you can’t say this isn’t important because that’s how EVERY HORROR MOVIE AND EPISODE OF CRIMINAL MINDS STARTS.

tumblr_m9acsnHzJd1qasdemo1_r1_500

Little does Mr. Old Creepy Man know, my best friend does skip traces, which means she has a national database where she can look up a number and give me a name and address.

I told the cop that and I let him know I would be calling him with the information because I was sure I would be figuring out who this guy was before they did. Yeah. I legit said that.

So, hopefully, I can figure out who this guy is. I just hope he’s not a predator or wanna-be-murder freshly graduated from Sociopath University. That WOULD be my luck though.

Have a good weekend, guys. I miss you ❤

x

What Thoughts May Come

It’s been twelve days since I’ve blogged. It feels like 6 months. I creep on here every day or so, read your posts, and sign off to re-enter this massively busy world I live in. I suppose the slow movement of time is working in my favor, since I’ve been finding time to move so fast now-a-days. Thanks, Universe.

How’s it going?

Life is pretty alright. I’ve been really working out hard and keeping up with my shit at work. Go me. Exactly what this blog-cation was for.

Things with me and The Drummer are going great, though I tend to live more inside my head as of late.

Relationships, for the most part, are fun. That’s why I love them so much. One guy that knocks your socks off in and out of the bedroom and can make you smile effortlessly. Smarts. Wits. My idea of perfection.

But now, I’ve been seeing him since the beginning of November and things are just as amazing as ever, it’s just I’ve caught a case of the Feelings and I don’t know what to do with it.

I don’t catch feelings so often.

Actually, pretty much close to never. .000001%

And when I do, I screech to a halt. At a standstill. Speechless.

What the ever loving fuck are feelings? And why do they make my stomach feel so queasy?

I remember when I caught the feelings-flu with my ex. The first time I looked at him and thought, Shit. He’s an alright guy. A keeper.

It was a hell of a lot easier to accept since my heart had never really been broken before. I never knew pain like that.

I accepted feelings with open arms because I didn’t know what it felt like to eventually embrace nothingness.

And now that I know-Now that the left ventricular of my heart carries a hidden scar and possibly a slight bruise, I’m back at that standstill. But this time, I’m still frozen and a little hesitant to move. And visibility is zero at this traffic stop, so I can’t see tell if it’s safe to go. I suppose I’ll just have to proceed with caution.

What’s love got to do with it?

Yeah, relax guys. I’m not in love or anything. Love after three months of dating is an illusion-no offense to all you quick-to-fall folks. I just don’t believe in it. Talk to me in ten years and then I’ll tip my metaphorical hat to you. I’m not saying it couldn’t happen to someone. I’m just saying it’s one of those needle in a haystack things.

I don’t know if I even remember what love feels like. I’ve only ever felt it for one person and when that didn’t work, I took those emotions and threw them so damned far (or possibly shoved them deep down) that I am numb to the present thought. That’s alright though. I know I’ll know if I ever feel it again someday. I’m not fishing for it anyways.

I think I just needed to get all that out. Is it normal to be nervous about having feelings for someone? What the hell are you supposed to do?

The only thing I know how to do is continue along the road to myself. To keep doing all of the amazing things I’ve been doing. My workouts. My meditation. Cooking. Etc. Etc. I’ve been a busy lady.

And as for my relationship, I just need to take each day as it comes. I’m very happy, regardless of my overly dramatic inner dialogue. Because the answers to all of my questions need to come from within myself-not my relationship.

Plus, my break-up-anniversary is coming up this weekend. I think that’s where all of the emotional mumbo jumbo is coming from. Definitely not a usual celebratory day, but quite frankly, it’s the day that marks the beginning of my close knit relationship with me myself and I. Because no matter what happens in this life-people may come and people may go-but the only reflection in the mirror is my own. And that’s my priority.