Poetry/Original Writing

Frosty Windows

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Though it seems Autumn may signify the death of nature,

it does not.

It preserves – it protects – it strengthens.

The trees still stand tall,

and below the Earth’s surface lies the warmth that we all hold dear to our memories.

Do not fear or dread the winter chill or the long haul of darkness.

Preserve – protect – and strengthen yourself

so when the trees bud and the flowers grow again,

you may grow taller and stronger than the year before.

Embrace the frost.

Embrace yourself.

And though your skin may be cold, keep your heart warm.

Life your life with peace,

and with the certainty that much is uncertain.

Unlikely Gratitude.

I am thankful.

 For my troubled childhood;

it has made me a stronger adult.

 To know what death feels like,

because it taught me how to live.

For every cut, bruise, and scar,

there is a reminder of lessons learned.

For every tear drop on my pillow,

there came the victory of a smile.

For every negative person who has passed through my life,

you showed me how to walk away.

For even the most torturous heartbreak,

I was given a chance to exude unconditional love.

Every yell, scream, and shout I’ve heard,

has taught me how to practice patience.

***

To be thankful for unlikely experiences is a victory in itself.

Every ounce of pain has entered me into life’s game of challenges.

And I am grateful.

For every bit. Every crash. Every bang. Every shake up.

Because through the fog of negativity,

A strong woman breaks through.

Just because the journey can be blind to the eye

Doesn’t mean it cannot be seen with the soul.

I always know it will be okay,

and for that, I am thankful.

When Your Heart Breaks, It’s Actually Breaking Open

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Since the day I was left singular, I have internally struggled with the concept of “moving on,” of loving again. My entire being is made of love, so of course I’m open to it, but to what degree? Do I even know what love is anymore? Or do I have a better understanding of it now that it has come and left?

My ex was the only person I’ve ever loved. He was the only person I’ve ever even said “I love you” to. I remember how scared, yet sure I was. Every time I looked at him, I thought love. Every time I thought of him, I thought love. Even now, though the thought of him floods me with negative emotions, I. Still. Think. Love.

How can I feel that way about another person? I know it’s possible.

I know there’s no such thing as “the one.” I’m not THAT jaded. Come on, now.

I just feel as though being loveless made me so much more open to love. So much more inviting.

But I was always at a crossroads. And too smart. Probably for my own good.

I knew there was always a chance it wouldn’t last. I knew my chances of forever were slim to none. And it actually made me enjoy the love I did feel a little less than I should have. I had dreams nightmares about it all the time. Him leaving me. Our relationship always coming to an end. For the entirety of the almost 4 years we were together I had those dreams. They made me sick. He would always tell me not to worry.

And then, the night it was all over, I looked at him with my painful red eyes, my tear drenched hair pressed against my face, and I said, “Look at that. My nightmares were real.”

But in all honestly, I don’t think my nightmares were visions of the future. They were my own insecurities with loving someone for the first time. And you know, since hindsight is 20/20, I think I should have enjoyed my relationship more. If I had kept my heart open to all the amazing things my relationship brought me, I probably wouldn’t be so resentful today. Even at this very moment, almost 9 months and several men later, when I think about my ex I fucking ache. All over. If I thought about it for more than a minute, I would fall apart. And that kills me.

This brings me to my original point:

I read this blog a very long time ago about opening yourself up again after a heart break, and the author was so insightful. I couldn’t quite understand her then, but I do now.

She says in order to love, you have to be vulnerable to it.

And what better way than after a heartbreak when you’re permanently vulnerable?

“Your heart is not just broken. It is broken OPEN and so you feel everything-

your own joys and sorrows, but also other’s unquestioningly.”

As long as you can stay grounded and keep your heart in tact while it remains open, you are absolutely able to love again. And so, I think I will. Probably a lot better than I did before and with a lot more knowledge.

***

Love is many things. It’s a risk. It’s a chance. It’s a choice.

What love lacks is a consistency.

You could be with someone you love today. They could leave you tomorrow. They could also never leave.

It’s a risk you must be willing to take to reap the benefits. You cannot have happiness without sorrow or joy without pain. You can’t have love without the notion that it may not last forever.

Doesn’t sound fair, does it? Well, that’s life.

Take death for example. We have so many people in our lives who will not stop loving us. Our friends. Our family. Even our animals. But the catch to life is death-we are all inevitably going to die someday-sometimes sooner than we’d like.

But would you ever wish you didn’t know your mother or father because they will die someday?

How about your children? Your siblings? Your friends?

Your love for them is worth the risk. Right?

That’s how it should be with your relationships.

Don’t spend so much time worrying that it will end. Spend that time bathing in the happiness that you feel at that very moment. Take that chance. Relax and be present, if not for anyone than for yourself. Don’t take those feelings you have for granted. You will never, ever know if things will end so instead of trying to fight it, live it. That’s one mistake I will never make again.

“Love is the rising tide that lifts all boats, those of despair and those of shame, of rage, of terror, and of longing—

to cast them once again upon the waves.”

Time is of the essence. Don’t ever forget that.

A Promise

A Promise

The Struggle is inevitable.
Life is going to absolutely suck sometimes.

It’s going to kick you to the ground.
You’re going to lift one knee,
Use the other for support while you push yourself back up,
And while you’re shaking up enough energy to push harder,
Life is going to knock you down again.

It may not feel like it at that very moment,
But I promise you:

To fight through the pain, even when it’s unbearable
Will get you further than suffering on the ground.

Because someday, somehow
If you keep getting up
Life will get tired and stop kicking you

And in that moment of freedom and clarity
The time spent mid stance won’t seem so bad.

If you quit, you’ll never know what it feels like to overcome what you once thought was impossible.

Trust me. It feels good.

Do you really want to spend your life wondering?

Falling into Winter

Falling into Winter

As each red and orange autumn leaf fell from the trees,
I began to let go of this year.
I said goodbye to many people
I left behind old experiences
And just as the snow blankets those dried up leaves
So will be the illusions and memories of my past.
Dead, yet preserved.
Covered, but not forgotten.
For every time I kick a patch of snow
I’ll see that hue of brown
And remember how alive they once were.
I won’t mourn their demise.
I’ll just close my eyes and breathe deeply
Because I know the only constants in life
Are the continuity of time
And the inevitability of change.
In a few chilling, short months
The trees will bud with new life,
My soul will bloom,
And I will embrace the sun again
Because remembering that
Spring is only a few seasons away
Is enough to leave a twinkle in my eye all winter.

As We Go

As We Go

It’s interesting to think about how one day, in 50 years, we’re going to look at these insignificant times in our lives and just laugh. I’ll say:

“Remember that time my heart got broken? I thought it was the end of the world! If only you knew where you’d be right now.”

“Remember when that guy tried to steal my undies?”
– Wait, wait. I’m actually laughing about that now.

“Remember when I didn’t know what I was going to be doing with my life or where I was going to be?”

I think about it all the time. How one day, I’m going to have this entirely different outlook on life. I’ll still be the same old Lara, just with a more crystallized intelligence. I already feel a certain kind of wisdom I didn’t have a few years ago. Our minds become such powerful tools if we let them grow intellectually and spiritually. We start to know ourselves better. I remember being 14 and not knowing who I was at all. Hell, I remember being 18 and not knowing who I was, then either. But now, at 25, I’m starting to see a more clear picture of the person I’m becoming.

Strong.

Loving.

Powerful.

Spiritual.

Giving.

And most importantly, destined for greatness.

I don’t think it’s conceded to think of yourself so highly. I think it’s empowering. I’m most certainly not perfect-and I have a lot more to learn. But since I’ve blindly crept into adulthood, I’ve recognized my potential.

Sometimes getting older scares me. Sometimes I really wish I could just stay in these moments forever. But I know there’s more. At 25, our being has barely scratched the surface of living. And I kind of can’t wait to delve in. Always believe that something wonderful is about to happen because if you do, something most certainly will.

“Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if one remembers to turn on the light.”
-Albus Dumbledore