Since the day I was left singular, I have internally struggled with the concept of “moving on,” of loving again. My entire being is made of love, so of course I’m open to it, but to what degree? Do I even know what love is anymore? Or do I have a better understanding of it now that it has come and left?
My ex was the only person I’ve ever loved. He was the only person I’ve ever even said “I love you” to. I remember how scared, yet sure I was. Every time I looked at him, I thought love. Every time I thought of him, I thought love. Even now, though the thought of him floods me with negative emotions, I. Still. Think. Love.
How can I feel that way about another person? I know it’s possible.
I know there’s no such thing as “the one.” I’m not THAT jaded. Come on, now.
I just feel as though being loveless made me so much more open to love. So much more inviting.
But I was always at a crossroads. And too smart. Probably for my own good.
I knew there was always a chance it wouldn’t last. I knew my chances of forever were slim to none. And it actually made me enjoy the love I did feel a little less than I should have. I had
dreams nightmares about it all the time. Him leaving me. Our relationship always coming to an end. For the entirety of the almost 4 years we were together I had those dreams. They made me sick. He would always tell me not to worry.
And then, the night it was all over, I looked at him with my painful red eyes, my tear drenched hair pressed against my face, and I said, “Look at that. My nightmares were real.”
But in all honestly, I don’t think my nightmares were visions of the future. They were my own insecurities with loving someone for the first time. And you know, since hindsight is 20/20, I think I should have enjoyed my relationship more. If I had kept my heart open to all the amazing things my relationship brought me, I probably wouldn’t be so resentful today. Even at this very moment, almost 9 months and several men later, when I think about my ex I fucking ache. All over. If I thought about it for more than a minute, I would fall apart. And that kills me.
This brings me to my original point:
I read this blog a very long time ago about opening yourself up again after a heart break, and the author was so insightful. I couldn’t quite understand her then, but I do now.
She says in order to love, you have to be vulnerable to it.
And what better way than after a heartbreak when you’re permanently vulnerable?
“Your heart is not just broken. It is broken OPEN and so you feel everything-
your own joys and sorrows, but also other’s unquestioningly.”
As long as you can stay grounded and keep your heart in tact while it remains open, you are absolutely able to love again. And so, I think I will. Probably a lot better than I did before and with a lot more knowledge.
Love is many things. It’s a risk. It’s a chance. It’s a choice.
What love lacks is a consistency.
You could be with someone you love today. They could leave you tomorrow. They could also never leave.
It’s a risk you must be willing to take to reap the benefits. You cannot have happiness without sorrow or joy without pain. You can’t have love without the notion that it may not last forever.
Doesn’t sound fair, does it? Well, that’s life.
Take death for example. We have so many people in our lives who will not stop loving us. Our friends. Our family. Even our animals. But the catch to life is death-we are all inevitably going to die someday-sometimes sooner than we’d like.
But would you ever wish you didn’t know your mother or father because they will die someday?
How about your children? Your siblings? Your friends?
Your love for them is worth the risk. Right?
That’s how it should be with your relationships.
Don’t spend so much time worrying that it will end. Spend that time bathing in the happiness that you feel at that very moment. Take that chance. Relax and be present, if not for anyone than for yourself. Don’t take those feelings you have for granted. You will never, ever know if things will end so instead of trying to fight it, live it. That’s one mistake I will never make again.
“Love is the rising tide that lifts all boats, those of despair and those of shame, of rage, of terror, and of longing—
to cast them once again upon the waves.”
Time is of the essence. Don’t ever forget that.