May is my absolute favorite month. And not because it contains the anniversary of my birth. In fact, I sort of dislike my birthday. But anyways, May. Spring. Sunshine (sort of). Even the rain is tolerable. By February/March I am more done with the winter than Kim and Chris Humphries were done upon engagement. I wasn’t meant for cold and dark – I was meant for sunshine. And today is no exception to that.
I sat outside my car on my lunch break and let the sun beat down on my face. I was crying this time last year. I was hopeful, but lost. Happy, yet sad. Yearning but had given up. I was everything that I’m not today, but somewhat exactly the same.
Because I’m unsure about the future. Where will I be in 5 years?
OLD. (No offense. Let me vent).
Hopefully not alone. Though with the amazing people I have in my life, I know that will never be the case.
Stronger? I’ve been lifting. Shoot, it’s amazing what eating healthy and working out can do to your body. In 5 years from now, I better be a freaking rock.
But regardless of all my whereabouts in 5 years, I have other things on my mind. Things that actually matter.
Like how wonderful it is to see trees budding and blooming.
How Orion is hiding itself from the night sky until next winter.
And how at least once a weekend, I get to see a lovely man.
He’s one sweet thing.
Every now and then I catch my mind wandering to where this is going. If he’ll leave me like the ex. If his infatuation will just [poof] disappear. Or rather, if mine will ever as well. I don’t stay too long in that section of my brain because doubt and anxiety do nothing for my esteem and will do certain damage to my current relationship.
We are never meant to know what tomorrow will bring. And that’s what keeps me smiling. Tomorrow could be a disaster. Or it could be the best day of my life. If in this moment I feel happy, then I will soak this feeling up because being present is better than longing for yesterday or praying for tomorrow.
My birthday is on Sunday, but technically it’s on Friday and Saturday too. Friday I’m spending with The Drummer because during college move outs he can’t leave campus, which means my birthday celebrations will have to be without him. But we’re going to have a little celebration just us two, which I’m so excited about. Saturday will be spent with the friends. We’re going to Howl at the Moon, a dueling piano bar in Boston (and other major cities) and wreaking havoc somehow, someway. I always plan some sort of over drinking event for my birthday because I try to forget that I’m a year older. That’s why I HATE May 18th. Because it makes me a year older. And life feels like it passes by so quickly that I don’t have enough time with it. With my twenties. With freedom. I know I’ll get over this ” I don’t want to get old” phase eventually, but dammit I don’t want to.
On Sunday, my actual birthday, I’m planning on spending it like any other Sunday. I’ll work out for a few hours. I’ll prepare all of my lunches and snacks for the following week. And probably cry, because it’s birthday tradition. But the tears will fall a bit lighter this year. Last year the last thing I remembered the night before my birthday was seeing my ex walk away. Ugh, what a memory. This year, I plan on my last memory to be with some pretty amazing people.
And next week, Pennsylvania bound again! That’s for certain. And another certain I am so passionate about – warm weather is coming.