What Thoughts May Come

It’s been twelve days since I’ve blogged. It feels like 6 months. I creep on here every day or so, read your posts, and sign off to re-enter this massively busy world I live in. I suppose the slow movement of time is working in my favor, since I’ve been finding time to move so fast now-a-days. Thanks, Universe.

How’s it going?

Life is pretty alright. I’ve been really working out hard and keeping up with my shit at work. Go me. Exactly what this blog-cation was for.

Things with me and The Drummer are going great, though I tend to live more inside my head as of late.

Relationships, for the most part, are fun. That’s why I love them so much. One guy that knocks your socks off in and out of the bedroom and can make you smile effortlessly. Smarts. Wits. My idea of perfection.

But now, I’ve been seeing him since the beginning of November and things are just as amazing as ever, it’s just I’ve caught a case of the Feelings and I don’t know what to do with it.

I don’t catch feelings so often.

Actually, pretty much close to never. .000001%

And when I do, I screech to a halt. At a standstill. Speechless.

What the ever loving fuck are feelings? And why do they make my stomach feel so queasy?

I remember when I caught the feelings-flu with my ex. The first time I looked at him and thought, Shit. He’s an alright guy. A keeper.

It was a hell of a lot easier to accept since my heart had never really been broken before. I never knew pain like that.

I accepted feelings with open arms because I didn’t know what it felt like to eventually embrace nothingness.

And now that I know-Now that the left ventricular of my heart carries a hidden scar and possibly a slight bruise, I’m back at that standstill. But this time, I’m still frozen and a little hesitant to move. And visibility is zero at this traffic stop, so I can’t see tell if it’s safe to go. I suppose I’ll just have to proceed with caution.

What’s love got to do with it?

Yeah, relax guys. I’m not in love or anything. Love after three months of dating is an illusion-no offense to all you quick-to-fall folks. I just don’t believe in it. Talk to me in ten years and then I’ll tip my metaphorical hat to you. I’m not saying it couldn’t happen to someone. I’m just saying it’s one of those needle in a haystack things.

I don’t know if I even remember what love feels like. I’ve only ever felt it for one person and when that didn’t work, I took those emotions and threw them so damned far (or possibly shoved them deep down) that I am numb to the present thought. That’s alright though. I know I’ll know if I ever feel it again someday. I’m not fishing for it anyways.

I think I just needed to get all that out. Is it normal to be nervous about having feelings for someone? What the hell are you supposed to do?

The only thing I know how to do is continue along the road to myself. To keep doing all of the amazing things I’ve been doing. My workouts. My meditation. Cooking. Etc. Etc. I’ve been a busy lady.

And as for my relationship, I just need to take each day as it comes. I’m very happy, regardless of my overly dramatic inner dialogue. Because the answers to all of my questions need to come from within myself-not my relationship.

Plus, my break-up-anniversary is coming up this weekend. I think that’s where all of the emotional mumbo jumbo is coming from. Definitely not a usual celebratory day, but quite frankly, it’s the day that marks the beginning of my close knit relationship with me myself and I. Because no matter what happens in this life-people may come and people may go-but the only reflection in the mirror is my own. And that’s my priority.

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7 comments

  1. Lara, I miss you! Hey, breakup anniversary this weekend. That’s huge. In a good way. I’m so looking forward to mine (though it’s still months away), so I can close a door and open a whole bunch of windows and let some fresh air into my life and my heart.

    1. 🙂 I miss you too! I still read – I’ve been keeping up with the Irish Two developing story haha –

      I have mixed feelings about this weekend. I’m happy that it’s been a year because now it just sounds like forever ago-something I wanted so desperately last March. And though I’m with someone else who makes me incredibly happy, my heart still aches a bit like it was a death. I mean, I guess it really was the death of something.

      I’ve been reading your posts about that too-and just know that the sting really doesn’t ever go away. No matter how much time passes. But what I’ve learned is that if it hurts that much, then you loved a whole lot and that’s a feat of it’s own.

      And go figure, the actual day I have an appointment at a bridal boutique to begin dress shopping with a girlfriend who asked me to be in her wedding. Oh, the irony.

  2. Girrrrl, I know exactly what you’re talking about with the queasy stomach. I remember that feeling all too well. I’m still scared to feel that way again. I think that it’s largely out of our hands though; love just kinda happens when you meet someone special enough. If you’ve got the feels, you’ve got the feels. Let him know when you’re ready.

    Also, traffic metaphors!

    The break up anniversary is stupid. I remember making a big deal out of mine too, and it’s like celebrating the day your dog got run over. I don’t know where I’m going with this. Just don’t let it bring you down.

    1. Aww, Mike. I know you get where I’m coming from. ALWAYS. I’m always gonna be a little hesitant, but hesitant is totally good in small ways. Ha and I’ll be wedding dress shopping with my best friend on that day, so at least I’ll be celebrating real love! lol

  3. I’m glad things are going good with little drummer boy. Don’t fight those feelings too much. They’re not all bad.

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