Month: February 2014

An Open Letter to Myself

I wasn’t going to post this one. Sort of for myself. But I thought, why would I make a post private when I never have before? Honesty is what I’m here for.

Dear Lara From One Year Minus Three Days Ago,

I know you can’t breathe right now, but you’re going to be okay.

Today was one of the toughest days of your life thus far. Top Ten for sure. You did what millions of other people do every hour of every day. You felt what it was like to love someone for a long time-not like mom and dad, mind you-and then have them not love you back anymore. Hurts, huh? Remember when all of your friends went through that and you’d just shrug it off like, “What’s their problem?” Well, in hindsight, I wouldn’t wish that pain on my worst enemy. But after all, hindsight is always 20/20.

I’m here to tell you there’s a silver lining in the not-so-distant future. I know you already have an inkling, but I want you to be certain, because it’s there and you’re going for it.

You spent 3 and a half years in a fantasy world. A great one, but an illusion nonetheless. Yes you loved him, Lara. You loved him with everything you had in your gigantic, warm heart. Come on. I mean, who pathetically cries tears of happiness after an orgasm? That’s love, girl. Probably a little weird too, but hey, you’ve always been a bit strange.

Where you went wrong was believing this would last forever. You always knew it wouldn’t, but love can make a person so fucking blind that their amazing gift of intuition can be hidden as if it never existed.

I’m sure he truly loved you too. You could see it in the way he would look at you-especially when you weren’t paying attention. Remember how your friends would joke about his gaze toward you? It was love. Just not unconditional. You can’t hate him for that. And like I said, you always knew that.

In the next year you’re going to go on QUITE a ride. The first few months will be an absolutely alcohol induced, fuzzy time in your life. But hey, it’s summer. You’re totally allowed to go all out.

Get drunk. Make out with tons of guys. Put that breakup CD on repeat and drive to fucking nowhere while you cry your eyes out. That’s fine. You have to cry. And TRUST ME. Girl, you are going to be crying a lot.

You’re already steady love for your friends is going to grow in tremendous proportions. Taco is going to stick to your side like glue. Him and K be there every weekend to dance the heartbreak off and to give that weirdo that you’re drunkenly talking to an evil eye that means “STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM HER.” Heath and Matt are going to take you under their wing and let you stay with them in PA whenever you need to. That will be a blast. Be careful with the assault rifles, though-“woman scorned” isn’t your strong suit. You’ll reconnect with old friends you haven’t spoken to in a while and even make some new ones. Isn’t that the best thing about break-ups? The free time keeps on rolling. Though, I must say, I’m proud of you for always making time for your friends even in a relationship because that is why they are so understanding and more than willing to help you through this tough time. Don’t ever change that aspect of your personality.

***

Dating

Psh. Darling, you are going to date until your eyes bleed from the heinous acts of men. You’ll be fooled a few times, but quickly remember that not all guys are like the one you were with for so long. You will realize that the men you meet at bars are jerks, the ones your friends set you up with are emotionally unstable, and so you will enter the perilous realm of online dating.

*ALERT!* ONE OF THE WORST DATES YOU’VE EVER BEEN ON WILL CONSIST OF A MAN’S TOOTH FALLING OUT. Just get drunk and be nice to him. He means well.

You’ll have an attempted theft on your underwear. Ugh. Sigh. Men.

You will date and date and date until you’ve given up on, not only men, but humankind altogether. But then, on your last attempt at online dating, you will strike gold.

I’m sure today you would never think you could ever date someone else, but you can. And you will.

He will be just as kind, if not kinder. He will be smart, funny, and driven. He will have life plans that don’t consist of playing in a mediocre band for peanuts the rest of his life. He’ll want to watch science shows with you and talk about religion and politics and all of the things that you never got to do with anyone else. He’ll wake up in the middle of the night just to kiss you. He’ll let you sleep on his chest when you don’t feel well and make you soup after all 1,000 of your stupid gum surgeries. And you won’t stop smiling throughout fall and winter. It’s still new, but he’s cool. I promise. You’d never date a shitty dude this long. Truuuuust.

Most importantly, you will get your life back. I’m not talkin’ the post-break-up life. I’m talking about the PRE RELATIONSHIP LIFE. The life before you fell into that illusionistic love. Not all love is an illusion, but from the moment you met your ex, you disappeared. And you will realize that throughout the course of the next year.

Real relationships do not form when two halves come together to make a whole. They consist of two individuals who want to remain individuals but be together simultaneously. They don’t complete each other, but compliment each other. And you certainly have become complete again since losing that half of yourself that you gave to someone else years ago. You’ll never do that again.

There you have it. Never fear, Lara, dear! You’re going to be more than alright. You’re going to be better than you ever have. Because you will find what you loved most in this world-yourself.

So get ready to cry. And laugh. And scream. And every other emotion that exists in this dimension. Because you are going to experience it all. But in a year from now, you are going to be one happy lady, and because of nobody but yourself.

Keep your head up kid,

You.

P.S. You’re totally going to be named Employee of the Month tomorrow morning. I know, I know. When you walk in crying your eyes out and dead from not sleeping, and your co-workers come out and yell SURPRISE! Don’t worry. They’ll understand. HAHA!

Don’t stop, no, I’ll never give up
And I’ll never look back, just hold your head up
And if it gets rough, it’s time to get rough

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What Thoughts May Come

It’s been twelve days since I’ve blogged. It feels like 6 months. I creep on here every day or so, read your posts, and sign off to re-enter this massively busy world I live in. I suppose the slow movement of time is working in my favor, since I’ve been finding time to move so fast now-a-days. Thanks, Universe.

How’s it going?

Life is pretty alright. I’ve been really working out hard and keeping up with my shit at work. Go me. Exactly what this blog-cation was for.

Things with me and The Drummer are going great, though I tend to live more inside my head as of late.

Relationships, for the most part, are fun. That’s why I love them so much. One guy that knocks your socks off in and out of the bedroom and can make you smile effortlessly. Smarts. Wits. My idea of perfection.

But now, I’ve been seeing him since the beginning of November and things are just as amazing as ever, it’s just I’ve caught a case of the Feelings and I don’t know what to do with it.

I don’t catch feelings so often.

Actually, pretty much close to never. .000001%

And when I do, I screech to a halt. At a standstill. Speechless.

What the ever loving fuck are feelings? And why do they make my stomach feel so queasy?

I remember when I caught the feelings-flu with my ex. The first time I looked at him and thought, Shit. He’s an alright guy. A keeper.

It was a hell of a lot easier to accept since my heart had never really been broken before. I never knew pain like that.

I accepted feelings with open arms because I didn’t know what it felt like to eventually embrace nothingness.

And now that I know-Now that the left ventricular of my heart carries a hidden scar and possibly a slight bruise, I’m back at that standstill. But this time, I’m still frozen and a little hesitant to move. And visibility is zero at this traffic stop, so I can’t see tell if it’s safe to go. I suppose I’ll just have to proceed with caution.

What’s love got to do with it?

Yeah, relax guys. I’m not in love or anything. Love after three months of dating is an illusion-no offense to all you quick-to-fall folks. I just don’t believe in it. Talk to me in ten years and then I’ll tip my metaphorical hat to you. I’m not saying it couldn’t happen to someone. I’m just saying it’s one of those needle in a haystack things.

I don’t know if I even remember what love feels like. I’ve only ever felt it for one person and when that didn’t work, I took those emotions and threw them so damned far (or possibly shoved them deep down) that I am numb to the present thought. That’s alright though. I know I’ll know if I ever feel it again someday. I’m not fishing for it anyways.

I think I just needed to get all that out. Is it normal to be nervous about having feelings for someone? What the hell are you supposed to do?

The only thing I know how to do is continue along the road to myself. To keep doing all of the amazing things I’ve been doing. My workouts. My meditation. Cooking. Etc. Etc. I’ve been a busy lady.

And as for my relationship, I just need to take each day as it comes. I’m very happy, regardless of my overly dramatic inner dialogue. Because the answers to all of my questions need to come from within myself-not my relationship.

Plus, my break-up-anniversary is coming up this weekend. I think that’s where all of the emotional mumbo jumbo is coming from. Definitely not a usual celebratory day, but quite frankly, it’s the day that marks the beginning of my close knit relationship with me myself and I. Because no matter what happens in this life-people may come and people may go-but the only reflection in the mirror is my own. And that’s my priority.

Blog on Hold, Happiness on High

#100HappyDays Day–

Does it really matter?

Hey guys! Today’s post is going to be a bit of an I’ll see you later one. I’ve done a lot of thinking and I need to take a WordPress-Cation. I’ve come to find that writing everyday is becoming tedious, and less exciting. This was not what I had originally set out to do, and I need to fix it.  But don’t worry. I’m not technically going anywhere.

When I started writing, it was a huge rush. So much material. So many ideas running rapid through my brain and translated onto my computer. It was a few months after I started this journey to self awareness that I began writing, and I’m certainly not done-I’m just tired of rushing to type out my thoughts on here.

Now, I’m just tired and unmotivated. It isn’t that I have writer’s block or I’m at a loss for words. It’s just I feel like this blog is an obligation, and that’s not what it should be. I’m rushing through posts at work (during busy season mind you) and I’m finding that I’m having a hard time keeping up with my workload for no reason other than my lack of working, and c’mon. That’s just not right.

With that said, I’m going to stop writing for a while. Catch up on my work, and catch up on my thoughts. When I’m well rested and less rushed, I find writing to be way smoother and I want to get back to that witty Lara. Seriously guys! I have so many more stories to tell you. The craziness has not ceased, and I still have another 15 years of insanity to describe to you all. I’ll still be reading and commenting, since you guys are better than any novel I could pick up. I won’t be truly gone-it’s just my writing will be ghostly for a bit.

Most importantly, though I won’t be writing about the #100HappyDays challenge, I will definitely be participating. Finding something to be happy about everyday has been so uplifting and taught me to see the good in every day no matter how crappy it might have turned out. For instance, I’ve been sick since Friday. but you know what I’m happy for?

DAYQUIL.

TISSUES WITH LOTION.

SLEEP.

SOUP.

See that? I rock, even being sick.

Who knows how long this blog-cation will last. Maybe a week, maybe a few. But I’ll be back before you know it. And with better shit to write about. Look out for me in your comments!

Love,

Live,

Be beautiful,

Be you.

Time is of the essence.

New Hurr Don’t Curr

#100HappyDays Days 17-19

I know it sounds awful, but I just haven’t been in the mood to write lately. Besides my happiness challenge, I have so many ideas to write from, it’s just a matter of finding the motivation. I don’t know what happened along the way. It may be just because I’m busy. Work has been killer and then I get home and am in workout mode, so by the time I’m done my day, it’s time to sleep all over again.

It could also be the fact that I’m technically blind as of right now. My vision has diminished drastically in the last few years. It’s come to the point where I have daily headaches at work and can’t see peoples’ faces from about a 10 foot distance. Yikes. I have my eye appointment next Wednesday, thank God. I’m going to run right into the optical store after and push down anyone in my way. THESE GLASSES ARE MINE!

Anyways, enough with my poor writing excuses. I have a challenge to tend to.

Day 17. New Hair Don’t Care.

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I needed a change. Badly. I decided to go for the kill and dye my hair red. Sort of. Yah know, half of it. This is the before and after.

Day 18: Shortest Day of My Life

Sunday was spent with The Drummer. We stayed up so late on Saturday, that we woke up at 2 PM yesterday. Yesterday was the shortest day ever considering my lack of sunlight, but I got to come home and watch the nugget and put her to sleep. That innocence is enough to put anyone in a good mood.

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Day 19: Jillian Michaels, I’m coming for you.

I’m trying out Jillian Michael’s Blast Fat Boost Metabolism workout today. It’s free on YouTube and burns around 450 calories right out of your gut. It looks challenging, so I’m pretty pumped. Along with weight lifting and piloxing, I like to switch around a cardio routine-changing every week-to keep my muscles wondering and to keep me from getting bored. I don’t know about you, but when I can memorize a workout, it becomes tedious.

By the way, did anyone see the Biggest Loser Finale? I’m not sure how I feel about the winner. I’m 5’5″ and if I were 105 pounds, my bones would break. I do understand that working out so much on the show and everything can impact your weight the opposite way of gaining it. She might just have more work to do to balance out healthily. What do you guys think?

But honestly, the reactions from Bob and Jillian (and even the chick behind them) is PRICELESS. GIF-city.

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I could watch this all day.

x Happy Monday x

Day 16: Friday. ‘Nuff Said.

#100HappyDays Day 16

Fridays,  weekends, boyfriends, drum lessons, dance music, Persian Zumba, red wine, best friends

(not in any particular order)

Have an absolutely beautiful weekend.

“Our prime purpose in life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them.”

-Dalai Lama

Snow Days & Thank Yous

#100HappyDays Days 14 & 15

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It’s no surprise that Snow Days can make someone so happy.

Nothing got me feeling more like a high school kid than my boss texting me about our office being closed. I spent the day doing various healthy activities: Persian Zumba (Holy Calorie Burn, Batman!), steaming vegetables, pastel drawings with my little nugget niece, etc. It was a great day despite a slight case of cabin fever that I cured with my Taco and some singing bowl meditation. Day 14: I kicked your ass.

I wanted to take today’s happiness post as a chance to do a shout out to all of you. My internet homies.  You lovely, amazingly beautiful honest creatures whom I have had the pleasure of getting to know over the past several months.

Chris, for nominating me for yet another Dragon’s Loyalty Award.

My friends.

Most of all, my followers.

Words cannot describe how I feel when I see these complete strangers have added me to their follow list. It’s a plethora of emotions, let me tell you. I get all excited that someone else gives at least one single shit about what I write. But then as I see all the numbers add up, I get anxious about how I’m going to continue.

How many times can one write about the experience of pain?

Who wants to actually read about the 100 reasons why I’m happy?

I don’t think I’ve been getting drunk enough lately.

The days where I feel this anxiety are the days I fall silent on my little blog. I can’t write when I’m freaking out about what to write. It makes it less fun and less therapeutic.

The same happens when I’m singing. I can be in the total groove of things and record tons of songs, but once I start to lose my mojo and I screw up for no reason, I get frustrated and just stop altogether. It’s even worse with singing. I’ve sung the same songs for years now and I’m still unsatisfied. That’s life I suppose.

But for today, scratch all that.

I just want to acknowledge all the wonderful people who come and visit my crazy, word babbling, all-over-the-place blog. Thank you for sticking with me through my ADD writing and through the happy times, as well as the pain.

Especially the pain.

I think with every single feeling and emotion, pain is the one that brings humans together the most. I know I do it with other blogs. When you read a post where that person is sharing their tears with you. Their fears with you. Their inner most demons. You get that empathy flowing and you just want to run all the way to the other side of the planet and cry with them.

That’s human love right there, folks. That’s what togetherness is all about. 

And as much as flipping through the news makes you feel like it’s gone, it isn’t.

WordPress is one of those places where this phenomenon, this global consciousness takes place. And that’s one of the reasons why I love it so much. It’s one of the reasons why I love all of you so much. You’ve shown me that people are still beautiful.

I hope I’ve lived up to my blog for you. I hope it’s a place where you can come to laugh, maybe cry a little, feel sort of uncomfortable, and get inspired all at the same time.

Life is a beautiful web that holds together all of the bits of your existence to make one entire masterpiece. You’re never done spinning. You’re never done dreaming. And you’re never done painting. Be life’s artist with me and create something so magnificent, that you will always remember how time is of the essence.

Wish that I could stay forever this young

Not afraid to close my eyes.

Life’s a game made for everyone,

and love is the prize.