I wish my day began like the Folgers commercials from the 80’s. Laying in bed with my hubster while that sweet, sweet aroma makes its way from the crappy coffee maker up the stairs to our bedroom…
Except in my version, hubs and I would get in a morning quickie before the kids followed the scent of coffee.
“Go play with your dolls, girls! Pancakes when Dad and I are done!”
No, but really. Today I’m giving a shout out to my big, long-time supporter in life: Coffee. I don’t discriminate. I love all of you. I’m sort of the pimpstress of coffees. And this one’s for you baby..
Dunkins. You’ve been my dude since high school. I’ve had you when I shouldn’t and longed for you when I was in need. Though your prices creep up slowly like a stranger in an alleyway, I turn around and give you that extra ten cents because that turbo shot makes my heart go boom boom.
Starbucks. You’re like a stripper at a really expensive night club. As I wait in line, I catch a glimpse at all of the desirable sweet treats you have to offer, but I stray away from them because they’re bad for my health. Most of the time, I’m cheap and pay for a tall macchiato, but I know if I really want a vente in the back room, I’m going to have to pay top dollar. So when I’m feeling a little extra, I slide right into home with you.
McDonald’s. You’re definitely a grow-er, not a show-er. When I first saw your small, itty bitty price, I thought I was going to get robbed out of a good time. But as soon as I handed over my dollar, I was returned with this surprisingly big, big cup that filled my mouth with such joy that I couldn’t even look Dunkin’s in the eye as I drank you at the stop light in the plaza. Newman’s, you Own my heart.
Maxwell House. I’m going to end with you because since I start my morning with you, it wouldn’t be fair to my other caffeinated bitches if I didn’t give them a second in the spotlight. My mom introduced us back when I realized I was spending too much money on the other hoes. It took a while to get used to your unsweetened taste, but when I met the Columbian blend, I got my socks knocked the frigg off. That blend makes me go all day, and I know that if I drank it before bed, I’d go all night too. Kisses, boo.
I Love Me My Coffee. And That Shit Makes Me Happy.