Farewell 2013, You Bipolar Thing, You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGTvl7IlfkE

December 2012:

Taco (Yes, that’s my best friend’s nickname): I have a feeling 2013 is going to be big, Lara. HUGE even. It’s going to make or break us.

That was my best friend’s premonition of 2013. He was right on his own behalf, but he had no idea how right he was going to be about my upcoming year.

The first minute of the New Year was spent kissing my then boyfriend while Bad Rabbits played live to the rest of the crowd.

He had been feeling really off (probably because subconsciously he was preparing to dump me) and so to make him smile, I surprised him with New Years Eve Bad Rabbits concert tickets that I brought him and his very best friends to.

In that very moment at midnight, I was so happy. I would be moving in with him that coming fall and we would live happily ever after.

 

If you’ve been following at all, you know that’s just not how it went for me.

Although March was filled with many tears, sleepless nights, alcoholic tendencies, and eating every single fattening food you could imagine, it stopped there. I allowed myself 1 month of depression. Just one month to halt all the things I loved to do: Cooking, reading, working out, drawing, etc. And then I promised myself that I’d get back to my old self, and I wouldn’t dwell on such a common issue in every person’s life.

The end of the month was closely approaching and I still couldn’t stop crying. I hid it from my family because I know they were sick of seeing me that way. But they were still my family. They knew behind those dry eyes, I carried sadness and grief.

I remember coming home from work one day and my dad was the first to greet me as I walked through the door.

Hey Lara. How was your day?

Coldly. Fine. I have to go feed the cat.

I went into the kitchen and grabbed the cat food. I made my way down to our basement and at the bottom of the stairs I fell to my knees, cupped my face in my hands and began sobbing. It was such a random cry. Even I wasn’t expecting it.

After about a minute, I felt someone’s presence in front of me. It was my dad. He knelt down in front of me and just looked at me with pain in his eyes.

Lara, you need to stop. It’s been almost a month. I can see it in your eyes. You’re not fooling anyone-I see the look on your face day in and day out. You can’t move on if you’re still lingering. Life doesn’t make the moves for you. You have to.

I don’t remember what I said after that since nothing I said that entire month made sense.

But on that day

In that basement

With my dad knelt down in front of me

I finally began moving on.

I stopped eating like a filthy animal and got back on track. I started working out again (even though I loathed every minute of it for a few weeks). I began cooking again. Seeing my friends. Just getting back into the groove of things.

I honestly became better than I was before.

It’s easy to lose yourself when you’re in a relationship. Every decision you make revolves around the other person. You’re no longer doing things for yourself.

I got consumed in that. My love for another took over everything I wanted to do and instead of making my own decisions, I based every next move on whatever one he made first.

I realized how unhealthy that was. I started to do things I would have never done.

The most meaningful hobby I took up was art. I took a class in college and loved it so I continued a little bit after graduation. I stopped for a while, but got the urge again, so one day I ordered a bunch of art supplies on Amazon.

They were delivered the evening after my break-up.

Along with The Road Less Traveled. So eerie. I think I subconsciously knew I would need those items in the not so distant future.

In the summer, I enrolled in school. I hadn’t been in school for 3 years. That was HUGE.

I spent every moment of the summer doing something-whether it was going to the beach, dancing, some sort of event. I had the time of my life.

I even started dating again. And we ALL know my adventures with that!

And here I am.

2 more weeks left of the year.

I’m glad to say goodbye to 2013, but not because I think it was a shitty year. It was actually quite the opposite.

I’ve grown exponentially this past year.

I’m not as scared to try new things or to put myself out there.

My friendships are stronger.

I’m closer with my family.

And most importantly, I’m closer with myself. I have never been so happy being who I am in my entire existence. And I know that no matter what happens in life, I will ALWAYS have myself and that’s enough for a lifetime.

Lastly, I’m happy with my new relationship (Yeap. We’re official, now).

I have NO idea what the future holds for me and The Drummer. He makes me happy. And I like him. A lot. It sort of scares me sometimes, but for the most part it just makes me smile. I don’t take us too seriously right now because we’re just having so much fun and that’s how I want it to stay. But no matter what happens, at least I know that I’m able to have feelings for someone else again. And I’ll be able to do that after him, and whoever comes after him, and beyond (if it makes it that far).

***

I know Firework is one of those songs that got abused on the radio, but it holds so much meaning to me so that’s the song I’m going to end of this year with. The first time my ex and I broke up (which was WAY worse than this time because I was younger), I was driving to school one day and I was crying. I’d never heard this song and it came on the radio. To this day, whenever I hear it I get goose bumps.

Here’s to 2014. To new beginnings. To happiness.

To each and every one of you who has had to overcome a hurdle you were not prepared to jump over. It’s time to start fresh.

I know Taco said 2013 was going to be big, but I honestly have a HUGE feeling like 2014 is going to kick some serious ass. We’ll just have to wait and see.

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13 comments

  1. I have that exact same feeling about 2014. When you write about your break up it always feels so raw to me, because it is so similar to mine in a lot of ways. And your feelings are so similar too. One thing I was saying to someone the other night (while apologising for sounding like a mentalist) was that although I know I’m stronger and better now, I’m even more struck by the power of human connection. Not to boys. But to people. We are designed to be connected. We thrive when we are connected. And I’m so glad I ever found your blog and started reading. One of my greatest connections of 2013.

    As for The Drummer. Woo hooooooo! Have fun x

    1. It’s so true! When you’re going through hard times, the connections you make with other people help bring you through it. It’s incredible how you lose one person but gain a bunch more.

      You are also one of my greatest connections. Here’s to new beginnings! xoxo

  2. This was so darned interesting … I’ve had a pretty terrible 2013 as well (and, by the way, I like your dad mucho … that’s in honor of Taco) and I have the same good feeling about 2014. You’re right: “It’s time to start fresh.” Nice line, nice sentiment.

  3. Yay! I’m happy you and The Drummer are official. I have a good feeling about 2014 as well. Here’s hoping the year works out in both of our favors.

  4. Ahhh, I wanted to give you a big hug reading this. It’s great to know that you can always rely on good old dad, no matter what age. You should defiantly post some of your art on here too. Looking forward to the new year. Hope it’s going to be the best one yet.

  5. 2013 was… an interesting year to say the least, it really was a year of growing though and i have feelings as well that 2014 is going to be a HUGE, adventure filled year (: it’s gonna be good! hopefully to all of us in some way or another! crazy how this time last year, everything was different… but it turned out for the better (:
    and congrats on the officialness of you and the drummer! ahhhh im so excited for you (: and youre right just have fun with it for now! totally giving you a cyber hug right now! haha (: looks like youve come full circle in your year!

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