There’s a Reason I’m Not a Parent

Last night my sister had loads of homework to do, so I had child duty for a few hours. My niece is 4 and cute as a button so I don’t mind watching her. She spent a solid ten minutes singing Frosty the Snowman but mumbling all of the lyrics except for legit-Froooosty the Snowman! Naturally, I sang the rest for her so she had a better idea of what it sounded like.

Auntie Lara? Can you tell me the story of Frosty the Snowman?

Um. Like, not the song?

Yeah. I want to know how he came alive and what happened to him.

Sure, kid.

Oh Lord.

I never really had experience with children before my niece. Hell, she was the first baby I ever held that didn’t scream like a banshee. I’m also not very good at telling children’s stories so I figured I’d just go with it.

I started with the usual. You know-kids are playing outside in the winter and make a snowman. Button nose, corn cob pipe. The full deal. Played with the kids all winter…

Auntie? What happened when the winter ended?

This is where Frosty went from a lovely children’s story to a tragedy in just a few minutes.

Well, it started getting warmer outside and..

And Frosty melted?

Yeah. Yeah, he started melting and the kids started getting sad.

Lara. Stop. Stop right there. Throw in a happily ever after dammit.

Word Vomit:

Frosty assured the children he would be back next winter. He told them all about uhhhh The Water Cycle and how ummm when he melts, his body is going to evaporate into the air and make a cloud. *Oh my God Lara did you really just go there?* Then when the cloud gets full, it starts to rain and his body will make a puddle and that will keep going until the winter comes back and he becomes snow again. Then the children can make a new snowman, throw that hat up on his head and BAM Frosty is back in action. The End.

I don’t even know where all that came from. I could have said something totally different. I could have told her that Frosty moves North for the summer and comes back the following winter. I clearly didn’t think of that at the time.

Auntie?

Don’t worry, sweetie. That’s a happy ending.

Oh. Okay. Can I have chocolate milk now?

Abso-freaking-lutely.

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6 comments

  1. Get them jaded while they’re young.

    Joking aside, seems like it didn’t turn out so bad. It’s not like Frosty was bloodily (slushily?) murdered or something. Kids are great. Sometimes confusing and frustrating, but still kind of great.

  2. hahahaha ohhh my. I wouldn’t have thought of that either! kids really just throw you for a left hook sometimes! and i feel you on the kid thing, it’s just… awkward. hahaha there has only been one baby i dont feel awkward around or make them cry! hahaha

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