Dodging Lemons From the Universe

Every night before bed I go through a complex of what I’m going to write to you guys the following morning. For some reason, this past week has been FILLED with “my ridiculous life” moments and last night was no different.

I cannot make this shit up. I wish I did, but honestly, it really does happen to me.

I’ve done a lot of venting the past few days. I’ve complained about all the people I know from dating websites that creepily message me, talked about my MANY run ins with The Pizza Man, and last night, it happened a-freaking-gain.

I went to a fundraiser with my mom last night that was held at a hotel a few towns away from me. It was a comedy show, featuring Jimmie Walker from the show, Goodtimes, and Lenny Clarke, the Boston native from Rescue Me. They were absolutely HILARIOUS.

Lenny-Clarke  jimmy-walker-then-now-335a-042007

I was a little disappointed the bar didn’t have Jameson. I had to settle for Jack Daniels, which, I’ve actually had come back up so many times that it kind of reminded me of college. Oh college. Where I spent more nights with my head in a toilet than in a book.

Anyways, thank God I had a few drinks in me because I wasn’t expecting what happened next. As I’m sitting in the front row listening to Lenny Clarke bash the Governor of Massachusetts for his actions during the Boston Bombing, my phone buzzed.

I checked my phone quickly to see who it was.

It’s LM.

“Do you like comedy?”

“Um, yes? I’m actually at a comedy show right now.”

“Me too. I’m watching Lenny Clarke.”

“Oh. Small world?”

“I saw you at the bar and wasn’t sure if it was you so I tested it.”

“Well, you passed. It’s me.”

“Want to share a cigarette with me?”

“Sure. I’ll meet you outside.”

Guys. LM lives 30 minutes away from this hotel. I know you guys must be like, “Oh Lara, you must live in a really small town.” But yo. I live in a city. And LM lives in another city. And we were both in a DIFFERENT city that neither of us live in. What the ever shitting fuq?

So, I met him outside and instead of talking to him about all the things that were on my mind like WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED, I just kept it casual. Small talk. You know, I could have said SO much. I wanted to say, “Why haven’t you called? What’s with all that shit you were saying to me? I obviously knew you didn’t mean it, but still.”

Nope. All I mustered up the courage to say was “How’s the family?”

5zKXz

Great job, Lara. Way to say what’s really on your mind.

It was the most awkward [at least to me] 10 minutes ever. He kept looking at me and telling me how beautiful I looked. Which, had I known I was going to see someone I’ve been naked with a few times, I would have worn makeup. I had enough time after work yesterday to do a quick cardio session and shower. I wasn’t getting ready for the red carpet.

After our cigarette was done, I headed for the door. LM grabbed me and hugged me. I went to look up at his face and he started to kiss me. It felt so, so wrong.

I pulled away.

I took two steps back. He took two steps forward and put his arms around my waist.

I pulled his hands away and took another two steps back. He took another two steps forward.

“Just one more kiss?”

“I really should get back to my mom.”

“Please?”

My heart was beating so damn hard.

Why does he have to be so freaking good looking?

I took two steps forward and gave him a kiss.

I started walking to the door. He grabs my hand.

“One more. Please?”

“LM, I’ve been out here for a while. I gotta go. It was nice to see you.”

“Hit me up tomorrow?”

[sarcastically] “Sure.”

I go to open the door and LM slaps my butt. Dammit. Most people would think that’s rude. I kind of liked it. Dammit. Dammit.

Meanwhile, I see someone staring at this whole bum- slapping- movie-scene Waltz LM and I were partaking in.

Jimmie Walker is watching. This is one for the books. I know what he must have been thinking.

walker

So I go back into the show and sit with my mom. Lenny Clarke was finishing up and it was time to leave. I see LM by the door talking to another comedian, so I take my mom’s hand and sneak out through another door so he doesn’t see me.

As we’re in my car, waiting behind a long line of others exiting the hotel, I see LM and his brother walk by.

“Good seeing you Lara!”

“You too, LM.”

LM’s brother drunkenly comes up to my window.

“HEY! Are there ladies in this car?”

“Uh, nah dude. Just my mom.”

“Is she SINGLE?”

“Uh, nope. Happily married.”

LM’s brother looks my mother in the eye.

“YOU DIRRRRRRTY GIRL!” [drunken babble]

tumblr_mm3hl9fqb11rcy99do1_500

REALLY dude? Did you just say that to my mother?! Oh my God.

I drove off as fast as I could. LM texted me and apologized for his brother. I told him it was cool. And then deleted his text messages.

Why do these things happen to me? I swear, the Universe is totally up to something. Tonight I’m going to be at a wine tasting 5 minutes away from LM’s house. He knows this. And I know he’s going to call me. But, I’m not going there. I can’t. I won’t. I’m trying not to succumb to superficial experiences right now. I can’t preach that I want something wholesome and then go have a sleepover with a guy that I know doesn’t want a relationship. Even if it is the best sex I’ve ever had, I’m sure I could have better.

Plus, I have a date tomorrow. I don’t know if I’ll be able to look a guy straight in the eye knowing I was in someone else’s bed the night before. That’s just not me. Even if it is just the first date, I’m really trying to do better for myself. No sex, Lara. You’ve clearly had enough.

I’ll definitely let you guys know how tomorrow night goes. I’m really glad The Drummer and I are meeting halfway. He wanted to come to my city, but as you can freaking tell, I can’t go ANYWHERE near my hometown. I give a whole new meaning to six degrees of separation. For me, it seems like about two degrees. Wish me luck, guys.

*Please don’t let this date suck*

*Please don’t let this date suck*

*Please.*

Universe: “Muahahahahaha”

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22 comments

  1. Oh Lara, who writes your script?!
    I’m beginning to be a lot less keen on this fucking guy every time you mention him…I can’t believe his brother spoke to your mum like that, I’d have kicked off (Is that an English term?!)

    1. Hahahah! Honestly, I don’t know who the hell writes my script. If you find out, let me know. I have some revisions I’d like to make.

      And that’s totally not a term I’ve heard of, but I totally get it.

      My life.

      1. Haha! Oh you will. Monday morning or even Sunday night I’ll update ya’ll. I really need to start writing at home. Sometimes I feel as though I’m blogging more than working haha

      2. LOL I think I’ve been spending too much time on that farm in Pennsylvania. I’ve been saying “ya’ll” at work and everyone just sort of looks at me funny. Hey, it saves me a solid .7 seconds typing or saying “all of you.” I’m just being more time efficient 🙂

      3. So you’re a total hick eh? 😉
        I notice lots of little Americanisms when I speak to you guys, it’s awesome and different! Mind you, I bet I have all sorts of weird things that I come out with, or that I try to avoid saying a lot hah.

  2. … and then LM crashes your date revealing he’s a supernatural elf who was originally sent here to kill you. Too bad he fell in love with you first. Now his overlords have him on their shit list and are out for both of your heads. Your only choice is to help each other survive. Quite a difficult task when the emotional connection just isn’t there.

    Sorry. For a second there I thought this post was the opening to some urban fantasy romance. My bad. ^_^

    Good luck on your date! I’m sure everything will work out as it should.

  3. Oh Lara… this dude is bad news. But you know that… still, sometimes its damn hard to do what you know is the right thing to do. Other parts of the body other than the brain – the heart and whatnot – sometimes take over. I really, really, really, have my fingers crossed that this date with the drummer goes at least reasonably well – anything to get your mind off of LM – and keeping on, keeping on moving in a positive direction. Seriously, good luck. — and in another note – as a guy who watched Jimmy “J.J.” Walker back in the day – that is way too cool that he was watching this whole scenario play out! Totally… wild. Love it.

    1. Ahhh thank you! Haha I know. I’m honestly the definition of a guy sometimes. I swear in another life I had a penis.

      And OMG isn’t that hysterical? I wanted to wink at him and say “dynoooomite” right after, but we just shared mini smirks as I said “great show.” LOL

      1. My father-in-law always referred to his daughter – my wife – as having a “man’s brain” – same idea there as what you’re sayin’ — and it’s always been such a good thing – low maintenance, low drama, and man can she drink 🙂

        And man oh man – the Jimmy Walker part of the whole thing — aside from that I feel really bad for you having to deal with this emotional/ physical turmoil — is just killing me! This one-time big-time TV star just watching it all unfold. He must’ve been just… oh too funny. Oh and I found a quick clip of the real deal JJ -“dynomite” in action:

  4. Ugh, sounds like a Class-A weirdy, only good for a one time sex fest. I can’t believe his brother said that to your Mom… no amount of drunk would ever lead me to do something like that. I really REALLY want your date to go well— update us!

    Also– you changed your theme? *culture shock* 🙂

    1. Ahh me too girl! I know, I know. I decided to do a little “blog” redecorating. I saw that my previous theme was designed for wedding planning and I was all like nah nah get that ish out of my blogosphere.

  5. All I have to say is:

    (1) Dig the clean, sleek new look.

    (2) He’s almost like Elf on the Shelf–always there, always watching, always waiting (for the right moment)–when you don’t want it to be true. Creepy.

    (2.5) Although his brother was being the creepy one, they are brothers–there is some connection somehow.

    (3) My life isn’t as entertaining at the moment. Thankfully whoever is giving out the lemons is distributing them equally.

    1. 1. Thank you, thank you 🙂

      2. Haha! I love your Elf on the Shelf reference. It’s true. Super creepy. And seeing as how he’s my best friend’s boyfriend’s best friend (try saying that 3 times fast) I’m sure that won’t be the last of them.

      3. I’ll make sure to send you a glass of lemonade with all them lemons I’m getting lately.

  6. I’m seriously dying right now.. I know you probably didn’t think so, but this was the most hilarious thing to me.. I live in a really small town in Norway, but I work in Oslo, and.. all my previous lovers lives in either town, so I run into them daily. And the other night I was asked out by my ex.. And I said yes.

    I guess my point is.. I can relate.

    Please keep blogging forever, because.. This is great. You’re great. If I wasn’t gay, you’d be throwing me out of your bed right now.

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