Dear ALL of you,
In an attempt to get myself back into the dating game, I’ve registered for online dating. I started with POF and had to cancel my membership because of you. I’ve seen you on there, too. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve known most of you since I was like 6. Hell, I’ve bumped into you at the local trash bars and even at the grocery store. We’ve waved, acknowledged each other, and moved on with our lives. There have been plenty of chances for us to “spark” up a relationship, but unfortunately, 20 years later, I STILL DON’T WANT TO DATE YOU.
Tom: When you passive-aggressively put me in your “meet me” list and I saw, I didn’t message you. You know why? Maybe because you burnt me for weed when we were like 14. Yeah, I’m still pissed about that. I want my 40 bucks back. You’re actually still kind of a loser. So what makes you think I want to date you now?
Mike: I actually saw you at Target the week before you messaged me. You looked RIGHT at me and didn’t even say “hi.” We were actually pretty cool in high school. Yet, you want to talk to me on POF? Better yet, you message me “Hey” like everyone else? You KNOW me. You have more to potentially say to me than the average man on that site. Nah, nah. I’m off this.
So then I move onto Match.
Andrew: I’ve honestly known you my WHOLE life. You’re 4 years older than me, but that doesn’t make much of a difference since we’re pretty much wearing Depends with how fast our lives are moving. The DAY I signed up for Match, I saw you at the Mexican restaurant in town where I was eating chips and salsa while simultaneously knocking back shots of 1800 Silver to get through a rough day at work. Probably shouldn’t have driven home that night. Every single day since then, you looked at my profile. But didn’t message me. The Fuq? I don’t really update my shit, so, what were you expecting? A different twinkle in my eye? Maybe a picture from a different angle? NEWS FLASH: You’ve known me since the most awkward years of my life: pre-boobs and braces. You either wanna say hey or you don’t. But that goes against this whole letter, so..just don’t.
So then I joined Okcupid. Fairly new to my city. A few months in and I still don’t see anyone I know. Great.
Cue Chris and Jeremy.
Chris: I’ve blogged about you before. I’ve known you since kindergarten. Your mom used to come into class and play the guitar for us every week. And you know what? The interaction between her and I in those few short months was more than WE EVER HAD UP UNTIL WE GRADUATED. And now? 25 years later? You send me a “Hey, what’s up?” Even after that message, I’ve still talked to your mom more.
And finally, the reason for my outburst in this letter.
JEREMY: I dated your cousin in high school. He cheated on me with my best friend. Do you remember that? Kind of traumatic for my adolescent psyche. We were still cool, though (Even though you were a little weird, but then again, I was a little weird. But…You’re still weird). Then I dated your other cousin and he kind of did the same thing, so I decided to move out of your family. Then your OTHER cousin tried to move in and I just wasn’t having it. Let’s flash forward to about 3 years ago when I saw you at that bar. You had asked me out and I said no, simply because I wasn’t interested. THEN all of a sudden I find out you’re the roadie who goes on tours with the band that my then boyfriend played with all the time and I realized I was going to be forced to see you on a regular basis. You had a girlfriend for a WEEK, got her pregnant, and now you guys aren’t together. OH WAIT, ONE MORE THING: We go to the same church.
Then, the impossible happens. I see you in my search engine for OKC.
I didn’t click on your profile, but I just had this feeling.
I even asked Google how to block someone from OKC without having to click their profile.
Please don’t message me.
Please don’t message me.
Then it happened.
You looked. THREE times. (Please refer to Andrew’s portion to see why that bothers me)
“Hey, I’d love to get to know you more. You seem like a really sweet girl.”
1. Get to know me? I think we know enough.
2. LOLOLOL I SEEM like a nice girl? Jeremy. It’s Lara. I KNOW you remember me. Stop. Just stop.
3. Never going to church again. Sorry, J to the eezus. I’m sure you’ll understand. I’m praying every night, yo.
I had to. I’m sorry, but, you were kind of ruining my online dating experience. I come across guys I know ALL the time on dating sites, but I don’t message them!
It’s like all of you don’t remember me or something? Or pretend not to. I don’t know what your reasoning is, but whatever it is…
Leave me alone.
So, now, this is a final request. OKC is my last dating site I can use before I have to start buying my single plot at the cemetery right after heading to the SPCA to adopt all 1000 of my cats.
If you know me more than being an acquaintance, or if you’ve done me wrong in the past, OR IF I’VE MADE IT PERFECTLY CLEAR I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU, please. Please. Just don’t. Do you know how bad I feel for blocking you all? It kills me inside. No. I guess it doesn’t. But I’m sure it kills you.
I’m sure you will all find a lovely lady someday. Maybe even sooner if you stop messaging girls you know.