Month: November 2013

Frosty’s Evil Twin

My surgery is in 2 hours.

I have Chinese food on the way to my work where I will take a few doses of Valium before my dad picks me up to bring me to the devil’s assistant, the periodontist.

I thought this was awesome though. Frosty’s evil twin, Freaky, is a man dressed up as a snowman who travels from city to city totally freaking out unsuspecting shoppers walking by (for our enjoyment of course). This episode was shot on Newbury Street in Boston. Hysterical.

Weekend Update & Blogging Sabbatical

Happy Monday! This is going to be a quick post today & possibly my only one of the week. I have a ton of work to get done since I’m getting surgery tomorrow-but more on that later. I gotta update you on Date #3!

My list of rules were totally reasonable from Friday. Did I adhere to every single one of them?

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Come on, guys. Don’t you know me by now?

Friday was my third date with The Drummer. Well, not exactly a date, but our third time hanging out. I stayed at the college he works at and drank/hung out with all his co-workers. It was a little nerve wracking at first because I didn’t know what to expect or how many people were coming. I asked, but he was pretty vague about it.

When I arrived, we had a little time to catch up and talk about our weeks. Then, two of his friends show up. Okay, not too overwhelming. I’m pretty sociable and sometimes my discomfort comes off as awkward humor, which everyone is amused by. So pretty much, it looks like I’m like I’m trying to be funny. YES.

After about 20 minutes of the friendly meet and greet EVERYONE else shows up. Like, another 12-15ish people. THAT was the overwhelming part. Everyone knew each other and they were all excited to get drunk since the dorms were empty. Luckily, a lot of them were super nice. One guy turned to me and told me to tell him a great story, so I shot back with a “I went to dinner with Bobby Orr once.” That was a great ice breaker.

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Side note: I was like 9, so it wasn’t a date or anything. I won a contest. But still, a pretty neat story.

Luckily, I hit it off with everyone. I didn’t get too drunk because I didn’t want to make a fool of myself so I was the perfect amount of myself AND drunk for people to get a good idea of who I was as a person. Let’s be real though-I mostly hung out with the guys and smoked cigars outside while drinking my Manhattans. The guys made sure to text The Drummer later on to tell him they loved me.

I definitely followed a good chunk of my rules. At one point, and a few Manhattans later, I did do ONE penis joke and I just stopped halfway and thought to myself “Dammit, Lara. No penis jokes. NONE.” So I kind of saved myself. But I definitely didn’t drink whiskey from the bottle and I only shook my bum for ONE song and no one saw.

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However, there was one rule I broke that I wasn’t too upset over. Since I had such a long drive home, I ended up sleeping over and…

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I’m sorry guys. That’s all I can give you. Since I actually like this guy, I figured I should be polite and not write about personal stuff with him. As much as I LOVE documenting my sexcapades, this one isn’t a onenight-gonna-blog-about-it-stand. But on a scale of one to ten it was a——

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I’m really happy in this moment. I mean, a little fearful of this whole situation. I haven’t really developed feelings for anyone since my ex and seeing the way The Drummer looks at me brings me to this weird place where I want to let him in, but I have these subconscious walls up that, at the moment, I don’t have control over. And I don’t want to control them right now either. They’re defense mechanisms and they keep me grounded. But I digress-that’s a sappy post for another day.

Anyways, I have surgery tomorrow. I’m getting gum grafts on a few teeth. It’s basically when they cut the skin from the roof of your mouth and put it where your gums should be. I had it done back in July and I ain’t even gonna lie to you-it fucking hurts. A LOT. I don’t wish that upon anyone.

And you know what really pisses me off? The fact that your dentist and periodontist will tell you it feels like “a pizza burn.”

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LIARS. JUST PLAIN OLD LIARS.

For that reason, they put you on two levels of pain medication. Because it fucking hurts. I’ll be on a strict diet of Chobani and double doses of Vicodin (that’s how to really get those pain killers working) for 4 days, so I may not be in my right mind to post anything for a bit. Who knows though-maybe I’ll get all pain med high and start rambling on Thanksgiving about how grateful I am to be alive and then start crying on my laptop. It’s me, so anything is possible.

I’m staying at The Drummer’s after surgery. He offered to take care of me for the night, which was super sweet. He’s leaving to stay with his family for the holiday week, so I wouldn’t get to see him until next week if I couldn’t tomorrow. If the guy can handle me with a swollen mouth and yoga pants, then he can handle me through anything haha.

Even if I’m not posting, I’ll still be reading yours! I need something to do while I’m in bed in massive amounts of pain. Make ’em good!

Have a fabulous Monday everyone! xx

Eat That Up, It’s Good For You

I have a slight obsession with Two Door Cinema Club. They came to Boston in October and by the time I tried to get tickets, they were sold out for ALL THREE DAYS. Lame. I’ll see you soon, boys.

Date #3 with The Drummer tonight. I guess it really isn’t a date, per say, but I’m going up to the school he works at to hang with him and his co-workers. All of the students go home for Thanksgiving break today, so the staff gets together and celebrates the night they leave. Shit, I would too if I couldn’t get drunk on campus all semester long.

Kind of nervous to meet all his co-workers and friends. I know I’ll be fine because I’m really sociable, but it’s the whole drinking thing that gets me. Sometimes when I drink, I can be a little too “Lara” and I’m not ready to show his inner circle that, especially with first impressions. But dammit, he bought me fancy whiskey so I have to create some guidelines for my behavior.

So tonight, Lara:

No drinking whiskey straight from the bottle.

No rapping ANYTHING from The Slim Shady LP, unless requested without mentioning.

No penis jokes, unless otherwise specified.

If there’s music, don’t shake your bum. Just don’t. Please. This isn’t a gay club.

I think if I adhere to this simple rules, I’ll be okay. I don’t want to drink that much anyways because I’m really counting on driving home. Trying to keep up with this “dating and waiting” ordeal. I have faith. I think.

Have a fabulous weekend everyone!

Be safe.

Be free.

Be you.

Be wonderful.

xo

Giving Hope to the Hopeless: Successful Online Dating

 

Some of my favorite things to read about on WordPress are dating blogs-especially online daters’ posts. Something that was once thought of as a desperate, last-resort attempt at NOT becoming a cat lady or creepy-old-guy-in-the-corner-of-a-dive-bar is now considered the “norm.”

DO YOU HEAR THAT MY OLD LEBANESE DAD?! THE NORM! You don’t have to go round up one of my third cousins to meet me at the alter once I hit 28.

Even when I told my mother about The Drummer, she was SUPER excited.OH! That’s AMAZING! Yer Auntie Judy did that YEARS ago. Put an ad out in the classifieds and she ended up marrying the guy! Imagine that? YOU COULD BE MARRIED!

Relax, mom. You’re making me want to run away from this guy.

Anyways, back to my post.

I’ve made it past 2 dates with someone “normal” from Okcupid and all of a sudden I feel like I’ve been touched by the online dating Gods, grown “beer muscles” and I’ve seen the light, so I want to share all of my Jesus loving dating wisdom with you all.

I wouldn’t consider myself an “expert” on dating, per say, but for the love of GOD I’ve been on enough dates AWFUL dates to consider myself at least a bit more seasoned than your average noob. I’m also very analytical about every step I take in the online dating process, and I’ve found some consistencies with success. Or at least how to not have a shitty date.

When I re-entered the online dating world a few months ago, I was EXTREMELY careful this time around. I followed a careful set of rules and it took me almost an entire month to go on a date. I chose The Drummer very carefully and completely changed how I approached online dating. Even if this thing I have going on doesn’t work out, at least I know I did a better job of finding a potential guy by actually trying a different method.

RULE #1    NIX THE “YOLO” PERSPECTIVE

I know, I know. I could have used a better way of describing this rule without using YOLO, but dammit, this is America and I’ll do what I want. When I first started online dating, I went on several dates with men who seemed good looking and interesting, but there was something that just wasn’t there-even before going on the actual date. I’d say, “Oh, well. He’s cute and nice. I’ll just go on the date to see what happens. It can’t hurt.”

 

YES. IT. CAN. HURT.
You know what hurts? Having that “feeling” and getting to the restaurant and realizing you were right.

You know what else hurts? Having that “feeling” and then THEIR TOOTH FALLS OUT OF THEIR MOUTH.

You know what else hurts? Having that “feeling” and having to tell countless guys that you’re just not into them.

Since the beginning of time, women have had intuition. It’s never failed us and it’s a gift. So fucking use it.

RULE #2    MAKE SURE YOU HAVE ENOUGH PHOTOS TO LOOK AT

This is a pretty important one (though they really are all important). Online dating is worse than a box of the gamble chocolate you get on Valentine’s Day. You pick out a chocolate that “looks good” but it’s not enough. You need more info. And before you know it, you take that bite and it’s not what you thought it was going to be.

I’ve gone on many dates with guys who only had a few pictures. I’d get all excited, get to the date, and BAM. DUDE LOOKS NOTHING LIKE HIS PHOTOS. It’s false advertising. Especially the guys/girls who post photos of themselves from a decade ago. I get PISSED at make-up companies who put falsies on their mascara models, so don’t think I’m singling YOU out.

Dating Tip: If you really want to take a chance with the guy/girl with only one photo, once you move over to texting, start sending a picture here and there of yourself. NOT DIRTY PHOTOS *UNLESS YOU’RE INTO THAT SORT OF THING* but just some “hello” pictures. I’ve done this plenty of times and more often then not, they’ll send you a picture back. That way, you know you’re not talking to some 400 lb video gamer dude in Texas AND you get a real time photo. Not just “one of his best.”

RULE #3        TRY TO GET A SENSE OF THEIR PRESENCE

Now, this sounds like it would be extremely difficult, but TRUST ME. It really isn’t. A lot of people complain about how let down they are when they meet someone online and there’s no connection or they weren’t what they seemed. I’ve complained about this many times until I started trying harder. I’d look at their photos and really try to visualize what it would feel like to be standing right in front of them. This has helped me weed out a lot of potentially bad dates. Try it, honestly. If you concentrated hard enough, I’m sure you could do it. Get that “feeling?” Refer to RULE #1.

 

Dating Tip: Along with this rule, FaceTime or Skype is a GREAT way to get a feel for how it would be meeting in real life. Chemistry is all about how you feel when you’re with that person. It’s an energy thing. You can’t fall in love with a picture. You need to see them move, hear them talk, notice their mannerisms. THAT is what makes chemistry.

RULE #4    A SUMMATION OF ALL THESE RULES: BE PICKY.

To conclude this little information session, I just want to give you two words that sums up this ENTIRE process:

BE PICKY.

Honestly.

People that don’t like seafood, don’t eat lobster.

You’ll never see people who don’t like warm colors wearing orange.

And people who are super against drugs aren’t going to fucking smoke crack.

So, do yourself a favor, and be picky. One of the FEW times where it actually matters. If you really want to JUST SAY YES to the date, go for it. I’m only giving you guys the tips I found were useful.

 

Happy dating. And may the odds be ever in your favor.

Selfie: Oxford Dictionary’s Word of the Year

2 days ago, Oxford Dictionary announced their 2013 Word of the Year and awarded it to..that’s right.

SELFIE

 noun, informal (also selfy; plural selfies)

a photograph that one has taken of oneself, typically one taken with a smartphone or webcam and uploaded to a social media website

It’s not quite in the dictionary yet, but considering “Muggle” and “Gaydar” were both added less than 5 years ago, I think it’s safe to say “seflie” is on its way.

The earliest known use of the word dates back to 2002 on an ABC online forum:

“Um, drunk at a mates 21st, I tripped ofer [sic] and landed lip first (with front teeth coming a very close second) on a set of steps. I had a hole about 1cm long right through my bottom lip. And sorry about the focus, it was a selfie.”

How’s that for some real-time knowledge for ya’ll?

And now, my favorite selfie’s of the day:

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NASA’s Japanese astronaut, Aki Hoshide. OUT OF THIS WORLD, Aki! Don’t forget to filter it and tag #groundcontroltomajortom

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First of all, G.W, A DISPOSABLE CAMERA!? Someone get this dude an iPhone!

He looks so intent on getting the perfect shot, he forgot to smize. Tyra would be less than impressed.

And there you have it! Lara’s pointless, yet entertaining knowledge of the day.

For more info visit these:

http://news.yahoo.com/photos/selfies-of-the-rich-and-famous-slideshow/

http://blog.oxforddictionaries.com/press-releases/oxford-dictionaries-word-of-the-year-2013/

The Beatitudes Of Online Dating

Ha! Amen, brother.

Thought Catalog

Blessed are they who meet their husband or wife online,
    for their collection of lizards is exemplary.

Blessed are they who do not tweet about their online dates,
    for their soul is still intact.

Blessed are they who see one person at a time,
    for they believe love is possible.

Blessed are they who have been online dating for more than a year,
    for their struggle is great in every area of life.

Blessed are they who write hey, what’s up in their first message,
    for their ESPN will not watch itself.

Blessed are they who have pictures of themselves in a bathing suit,
    for they know not what they do.

Blessed are the laid-back guys who do not want any drama,
    for they will die alone.

Blessed are they who start a profile strictly to receive praise,
    for their heart has never experienced human emotions.

Blessed are they who…

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