It’s been a solid few weeks since I’ve been on a date. Or kissed a guy. Or was even remotely interested in talking to one. But due to this lack of men in my life, I’m out of writing juice. I mean, come on. It’s Wednesday. I OBVIOUSLY didn’t get plastered last night, so I can’t even describe my drunken life through GIFs. But, please. Never fear. For GIFs will be given to you this afternoon.
I’m here today to tell you:
Not all of my dates have been awful.
Not everyone had missing teeth.
Not everyone was a panty thief.
No, no. The rest of them really weren’t that bad. They were actually great guys. There was just no spark on my end. I went through each date happy because it wasn’t a DISASTER. But, unfortunately, I had to welcome to them to a different part of my life that wasn’t located in my heart:
I know. The dreaded “friend zone.” I hate to admit that I’ve done this to many, many guys, but I can’t help how I feel. And most of them really could have been great guy friends. But we all know how the friend zone works….it doesn’t.
The Blonde: He was my first online date. Cute guy. Wicked funny. But lacking in two areas:
Sobriety and Personality.
He had WAY too much fun on our date though. He made us do EVERYTHING. We did dinner, frozen yogurt, AND a movie. A 5 hour date, if you will. I was exhausted. I should have known he wasn’t going to me mature enough for me either. He was a few years younger than me and his picture on the dating site was of him riding a blow up whale in a swimming pool. UGH. That should have been a red flag, but I thought it was funny. Clearly in a “wanna be bros?” way.
The Hairdresser: Yeah, that one threw me for a loop too. He’s a hairdresser at the local spa about 5 minutes from my house. We actually never really went on a date. I realized our conversations weren’t very flirty from the beginning. We were definitely more of friends from the start. We went on a few smoke cruises together and then just sort of lost touch. He texts me from time to time, but I just feel so bad. Every time he left me to go back home he just gave me that look-like he was longing for more.
I just couldn’t do it.
The News Videographer: This guy almost made it. NOT. We only had one date. And it went fine, but like usual-no spark. I don’t know if it was the fact that he looked NOTHING like his pictures. Probably because they were taken WHEN HE WAS BORN. UGH That pisses me off to no end. Why on Earth are you going to upload photos of you from a zillion years ago. OH HEY, BRAH! DIDN’T THINK I’D NOTICE? Yeah. You look. Way older. And way different. This dude up here, The Hairdresser did that. HIS PICTURES WERE FROM 2007. TWO FREAKING THOUSAND AND SEVEN.
You might as well upload your baby pictures and go from there. Honestly.
But anyways, yes, problems with the videographer. He was a talker. Like, I’m talking, a TALKER. You ever see that skit Brian Regan does about the people who always have to one-up you? You know, you’re sitting at the dinner table with friends and you’re like “OMG one time I had to get my wisdom tooth out and-” And then
That friend interrupts you: “OH YEAH? WELL I GOT ALL 4 OUT ONE TIME AND I WAS EATING CORN ON THE COB BY DINNER.”
That was the news videographer. He had to one up me with EVERYTHING.
“I was a police officer for hallo-”
“OH YEAH? I WAS AL PACINO ONE YEAR AND DID THE WHOLE BIT-WORDSWORDSWORDSWORDSBABBLEBABBLEBABBLEONEUPONEUPONEUP”
Woah, woah. Slow your roll dude. You win the story. I’m sorry I even went there.
Needless to say that was a bust. I couldn’t even put him in the “friend zone.” He wasn’t going to make a good friend.
So there you have it. My boring dates that turned into nothing. They were barely funny stories. More like wastes of time. I’m so glad I didn’t waste weekend nights on them. I usually don’t date on the weekends, because quite frankly I don’t want to waste a night I could be acting ridiculous with my friends to hang out with a stranger.