I felt odd feelings today. I never knew one could feel happy, sad, and numb all at the same time. Is that possible? Can you feel full, yet empty? Fulfilled, but unsatisfied? Stronger, but with a dash of weakness?
For someone on a date-cation, it felt as though I had a sign on that read “talk to me” all weekend. Every bar I went to, every eye I caught was an open invitation for conversation. For compliments. For courting. But I passed on each. I need “me” time. I need to regroup. I can’t keep waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet. I need to sweep myself up. And I have, but I want more out of myself. I NEED more out of myself.
I gave my mother my old computer today. I bought a flash drive so I could clean it up for her. I’ve had that computer for 5 years, and in about 5 minutes I stumbled upon memories that threw me for an unintentional loop.
Pictures. Countless pictures of me and my ex. 6 months ago I would have had a meltdown, but today I didn’t. I just kept pressing [delete].
The picture of our knees side by side at the lake we used to lay by and talk about life. [delete]
The one of us at my college graduation. [delete]
The one from one of our overly simple anniversaries. [delete]
Every picture. 4 years of memories. [delete] [delete] [delete]
And then, [empty recycle bin]
It was liberating. It was dreadful. It was a lot of things. But what it wasn’t? Devastating. For the first time in a while, I didn’t feel the need to break down. Sure, I still have this unnecessary resentment toward him. How I couldn’t be good enough for the most simple man in the world makes it discouraging to think I’d be able to make any complicated man happy. But I know I can. Discouraging, yes. But I’m not a lost cause.
I kept one thing though. The only thing I’ll ever keep from our relationship. It was a letter I had written him the first time he broke up with me. We had almost made it a year and he left me for the same reason he left me for the last time. I was going to post the letter but it was so raw and almost pathetic and I just couldn’t gather myself up to do it. I told him what an amazing person he was. I told him I’ll be okay someday and that I really hope we could be friends. I told him that although it didn’t work out with us, our relationship wasn’t in vain. It was with purpose: To show myself that I was able to love and to be loved. Before I met him I honestly thought I had an issue with emotions, with feeling something for someone. He showed me that I AM able to feel that way about another. More importantly, he showed me that a man was capable of loving me. I mattered to someone. And I know I’ll matter to someone again, but most importantly I matter to myself. It’s amazing how the Lara when I was 21 is so unbelievably different than the Lara I am now. I remember writing that letter almost as an indirect plea to get him to come back to me. I honestly think that letter did make him come back.
But this time, I didn’t write a letter. I didn’t call him constantly. I didn’t beg. I didn’t plea. I walked away. And honestly, I think that was the best decision I’ve ever made. A huge weight was lifted on my shoulders that day. I spent so long trying to keep a relationship together-I was just exhausted. Adele was right when she wrote “I can’t make you love me.” And I never want to make someone love me. I want it to be effortless. Because loving him was absolutely effortless at one time. As soon as it became more work than worth, I should have walked away then. But that’s what unconditional love is. All I need now is someone who is just unconditional to me.
I’m keeping that letter to remind myself of how pathetic I was and how strong I AM. I’ll never try to force magic again. The only thing that I pride my 21 year old self on was the fact that I told him I’d be okay. I’m so happy that even through that dark heartbreak, I knew I was going to be okay. You go, 21 year old Lara. Way to always see the light at the end of the tunnel.
So, the date-cation lives on. For how long? I don’t know. As long as I want. I call the shots with my life. And truth be told, I’m happier having a relationship with myself than anyone else right now, although it does suck that I have to pay for my own dinner.
As Samantha Jones once said, “I love you. But I love me more.”