Strength

I felt odd feelings today. I never knew one could feel happy, sad, and numb all at the same time. Is that possible? Can you feel full, yet empty? Fulfilled, but unsatisfied? Stronger, but with a dash of weakness?

For someone on a date-cation, it felt as though I had a sign on that read “talk to me” all weekend. Every bar I went to, every eye I caught was an open invitation for conversation. For compliments. For courting. But I passed on each. I need “me” time. I need to regroup. I can’t keep waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet. I need to sweep myself up. And I have, but I want more out of myself. I NEED more out of myself.

I gave my mother my old computer today. I bought a flash drive so I could clean it up for her. I’ve had that computer for 5 years, and in about 5 minutes I stumbled upon memories that threw me for an unintentional loop.

Pictures. Countless pictures of me and my ex. 6 months ago I would have had a meltdown, but today I didn’t. I just kept pressing [delete].

The picture of our knees side by side at the lake we used to lay by and talk about life. [delete]

The one of us at my college graduation. [delete]

The one from one of our overly simple anniversaries. [delete]

Every picture. 4 years of memories. [delete] [delete] [delete]

And then, [empty recycle bin]

It was liberating. It was dreadful. It was a lot of things. But what it wasn’t? Devastating. For the first time in a while, I didn’t feel the need to break down. Sure, I still have this unnecessary resentment toward him. How I couldn’t be good enough for the most simple man in the world makes it discouraging to think I’d be able to make any complicated man happy. But I know I can. Discouraging, yes. But I’m not a lost cause.

I kept one thing though. The only thing I’ll ever keep from our relationship. It was a letter I had written him the first time he broke up with me. We had almost made it a year and he left me for the same reason he left me for the last time. I was going to post the letter but it was so raw and almost pathetic and I just couldn’t gather myself up to do it. I told him what an amazing person he was. I told him I’ll be okay someday and that I really hope we could be friends. I told him that although it didn’t work out with us, our relationship wasn’t in vain. It was with purpose: To show myself that I was able to love and to be loved. Before I met him I honestly thought I had an issue with emotions, with feeling something for someone. He showed me that I AM able to feel that way about another. More importantly, he showed me that a man was capable of loving me. I mattered to someone. And I know I’ll matter to someone again, but most importantly I matter to myself. It’s amazing how the Lara when I was 21 is so unbelievably different than the Lara I am now. I remember writing that letter almost as an indirect plea to get him to come back to me. I honestly think that letter did make him come back.

But this time, I didn’t write a letter. I didn’t call him constantly. I didn’t beg. I didn’t plea. I walked away. And honestly, I think that was the best decision I’ve ever made. A huge weight was lifted on my shoulders that day. I spent so long trying to keep a relationship together-I was just exhausted. Adele was right when she wrote “I can’t make you love me.” And I never want to make someone love me. I want it to be effortless. Because loving him was absolutely effortless at one time. As soon as it became more work than worth, I should have walked away then. But that’s what unconditional love is. All I need now is someone who is just unconditional to me.

I’m keeping that letter to remind myself of how pathetic I was and how strong I AM. I’ll never try to force magic again. The only thing that I pride my 21 year old self on was the fact that I told him I’d be okay. I’m so happy that even through that dark heartbreak, I knew I was going to be okay. You go, 21 year old Lara. Way to always see the light at the end of the tunnel.

So, the date-cation lives on. For how long? I don’t know. As long as I want. I call the shots with my life. And truth be told, I’m happier having a relationship with myself than anyone else right now, although it does suck that I have to pay for my own dinner.

As Samantha Jones once said, “I love you. But I love me more.”

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12 comments

  1. This is such a great reminder to love yourself before anybody else loves you! and that we’re all okay being single, we do call the shots in our own life and this definitely helped me today reading this! thanks for the post, so many of us go through the same things and yes it definitely is normal to feel all those things, because thats been my emotions lately too!

    1. Absolutely, girl. It’s the most basic principle to follow in life and love adventures. When we meet that person, everything tends to make sense. I know when I met my ex I finally realized what I was capable of. Now, I have my next conquest to look forward to! As do you!

  2. Finally reaching a point where you can delete old photos (or burn them, whatever) is a pretty big step. Sounds like you had a pretty difficult breakup but you’re right– it shouldn’t take that much effort to love someone. Relationships are difficult but that’s because life is difficult. You have to be with someone who helps make those tough times easier.

    PS “Date-cation” is clever. I’ve done this in between many a relationship and I think it’s a good course of action though you are right– it totally sucks to have to pay for your own meals. C’est la vie. Call it a diet plan.

    1. Thank you for the comment! Yes, it’s true relationships are wicked difficult. I just had a hard time because it was “first love” syndrome. At least that’s what I put the blame on. It was just an odd day deleting all of those memories. I’ve tried before and never got to actually hit the delete button. Progress, lady. Progress.

  3. LOVE LOVE LOVE this! Lara, I just love how honest you are in not only bashing him and your relationship with him but giving it and him credit for giving you something that you needed and will no be able to believe in – that you deserve to be loved and that you CAN and WILL love again! I think I have the same issue at the moment, I don’t know whether I am really able to actually love someone or accept love…I still need to get to where you are. You are BEAUTIFUL and STRONG!

    P.S My favourite Samantha Jones line is “I will say whatever and blow whomever as long as I can breathe and kneel” – KILLS ME EVERY TIME.

    But I remember that line you mentioned from the show. When she was just so frustrated and suspected Richard of cheating…and ran up so many flights of stair in a pearl thong HAHAHAHA! How I love Samantha.

    1. Aww thanks for the love Liam! I’d never talk down on my ex. I mean, it could have been worse. It wasn’t abusive or awful. Just fell apart somehow. We live and we learn. What I’ve realized is it isn’t a lack of having feelings for others, it’s just that we don’t fall so easily over others. I have friends who are relationship jumpers and I used to be jealous of their ability to bounce back, but those quick relationships never work. I consider myself “picky.” haha!

      And yes. I must use Sex in the City quotes for my everyday living. So good!

      1. I think what makes you stronger is the fact that you take the time out for yourself, so you know how it is to be alone. Serial daters, I don’t know if they ever take the time to get to know who they REALLY are because they always feel the need to be a part of something or someone. I applaud you!

        As for Sex in the City, those quotes are just the best!

    1. No worries, Mike. It happens! Things are still good with the fella. Casual, but good. I just wrote a post about my conquers of the weekend-I think you’ll get the point from there 😉

  4. You go 21 year old Lara, you had a bit right! You’re definitely alright 🙂
    I can really relate a lot to this, I’m just at a different part of the journey that you’re on. I’m actually a bit envious, you’re way ahead of me heh.

    1. ahh thank you 🙂 !

      I wasn’t always this conquering. The first time we broke up was a completely different story. I was a little younger than you and it hurt a lot worse then. I think it has something to do with your first heartbreak too. Like, your first real heartbroken love. After you go through it once, you have more resources to help you move on the next time around. Eventually, being sad just gets exhausting. You’ll get there, friend! Trust me

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