The Coast Guard

Today, I finally decided to throw all embarrassment aside and tell you all the story about The Coast Guard and how he duped me. The reason for my fury with men. The reason for my fury with myself. The reason I seriously need a date-cation. This isn’t exactly me at my finest moment, but I figure I learned something and so hopefully you will too.

A few months ago, during my online dating frenzy, I began talking to this guy. Almost 30, amazing teeth, fabulous body, works for The Coast Guard, and just an all around nice looking guy. He totally wasn’t my type, which should have been a red flag. But hey, hey. I was trying to broaden my horizons and truth be told, I was feeling a little lonely. So over the course of three weeks, we got to know each other, FaceTimed, and talked on the phone/texted. I was extremely busy, as was he, so we didn’t get to make plans for a while. He was honestly the sweetest thing. He knew what he wanted out of life. He told me he wanted to get married someday, have children, and just find a girl who was willing to move around with him and see all the different parts of the country. Honestly, it just sounded too good to be true, but at the time, all I could think about was how good it was.

We ended up finally making plans to go on a little date. He wanted to cook me dinner at his home in the city and then take it from there, to which I agreed. [Side Note: I DEFINITELY do not condone going to someone’s house when you’re online dating. I was ballsy and silly and lucky I was just duped and not murdered. End Side Note]. Off I went into the city for my date that Friday night.

I got to his place and was blown away. First of all, by him. Cuter than his pictures, far sweeter, and full of more compliments than my own mother could hand out on any given day. His place was beautiful. SPOTLESS. Almost in a neurotic way. And the best part was he had a rooftop deck that overlooked the entire city. On said rooftop deck was a garden full of fresh vegetables: Basil, mint, tomatoes, cucumbers, etc. It was breathtaking. I texted all my friends to let them know his address and that I was still alive [Thank God] and I was just so excited I finally met a normal guy.

He spent the rest of the time cooking and getting to know me. The dude made freshly marinated chicken with alfredo sauce, fresh vegetables from his garden, pasta, and garlic bread. Whaa? A guy who cooks? I was amazed. Obviously from talking to me, he knew I had a love for whiskey so while everything was finishing up cooking, he made me an Old Fashioned.

THAT was the first mistake.

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One turned into two. Which turned into two and a half. Then, we ate dinner. Still, he was fabulous. We had great conversation, dinner tasted wonderful, and he looked at me with those big blue eyes which made my heart completely melt.

After dinner, we weren’t ready to part ways. We were honestly just having so much fun together. He asked me if I wanted to go downtown to the city and meet his friends for some drinks. I agreed.

MISTAKE NUMBER TWO.

We stayed at this one bar for the remainder of the night. EVERYONE, I mean, EVERYONE knew this guy. The bartenders, the regulars, and I even got to meet all of his closest friends. They were equally as sweet. Complimented my dress, told me funny stories about The Coast Guard, and his best friend even pulled me aside to say some really nice things about him. I was absolutely SOLD on this guy. Is this even for real?

Nah, Lara. He ain’t fo’ real. He’s fo’ serious fake. That’s the whiskey talking.

Speaking of whiskey, I forgot to mention MISTAKE NUMBER THREE: I realized after a solid 4 hours of heavy drinking that I was in NO condition to drive home. I live about 25 minutes North of the city and I could barely walk in my heels anymore, let alone operate a vehicle in Boston. So, he offered me a night at his place. No pressure. No funny business. Just a drunken sleep until I was okay to drive.

Oh, Lara. Why must you put yourself in these situations?

For anyone who thought I actually just went right to sleep that night, I’m sorry, but you are SO mistaken. As sweet and wholesome as I am, I have this aching need for intimacy, even if it’s not meant to be as wholesome as I am. Without using so many words, I’m a little addicted to sex. UGH. What a thing to admit. I know, most of you are giving me a sick bro! high five!, but honestly, it KILLS me that I have no self control! I’ve been trying. Honestly. I’ve been good with LM. Progress, people. Progress.

I don’t like single sex. It seems dirty and full of diseases (even with a condom). Gimme a boyfriend, and all bets are off. Daily madness. I need daily. madness.

But like I said, no self control.

Alas, he woke me up with a kiss the next morning and I was completely satisfied. I was like, “You know what, Lara. You guys had a connection. He’s sweet. Don’t feel so ashamed. You’re not exactly a nun.” I had to leave early that morning because I had beach plans with a girlfriend, so I got out of bed, grabbed all of my cloth-…

Um, dude? Where’s my underwear?

This guy was clean as a whistle. His room was SPOTLESS. And those were my favorite undies.

So I looked EVERYWHERE. Under the bed, all over the floor, even on top of the bed.

I gave The Coastguard a little nudge. “Um, Mr. Coastguard. Do you know where my underwear is?”

It was at that moment that he groggily reached over his bed to his nightstand and opened the drawer. Inside, I saw an endless amount of condoms, lube, a pair of handcuffs, and WAIT FOR IT WAIT FOR IT: My hot pink Victoria’s Secret thong.

“Did you honestly just steal my underwear?”

“Um. Yes?”

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So on my way out, I took a few cigarettes from his pack. I figured if he was going to thief my ‘roos, I was gonna thief some butts. And that was how I never heard from The Coast Guard again.  I tried texting him later that night, but his responses were very short and not the way they used to be, so I just gave up.

So, yeah. Three weeks of him sweet talking me, cooking me dinner, making me drinks, taking me out, all to seal the deal and attempt to “steal” the deal. It wouldn’t have bothered me if it was just a fling, but…it wasn’t supposed to be. I’ve been known to do a random night in my day. Had this been known from the BEGINNING, it would have been a different story. I would have rejected him, but that’s because I’ve been trying to turn over a new leaf. I wanted a relationship. A real one. Not a one night stand, cupped with a hangover and missing panties.

Luckily, it was only one date so it wasn’t too much of a low blow, but rest assured I drank lots of whiskey that night and reminded myself of how I will be with these holidays coming up. Especially Valentine’s Day. The first single VD. Lord, help me. Or rather, Lord Jameson, help me.

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21 comments

  1. Cool story bro. No seriously, this was a lot of fun to read. I’ve never heard of dudes collecting underwear. Is that like the new notch on the bedpost?

    Also, sex is awesome. No explanation even necessary.

    1. Hahah yeap, apparently so. I had been in a relationship for so long that I TOTALLY forgot guys did this type of stuff. It had never happened to me before. I must say, I took it like a champ

  2. This has “horror movie” script written all over it. I’m screaming at my laptop “don’t go in there!”, “Don’t do it!”, “Don’t open that door, something ugly is going to jump out!”, “The nice, sweet guy is always the axe murderer!” Stuff like that. And like any horror movie, I spent a good time laughing (sorry). And like any decent horror movie, there were a few twists. Like, I was sure you were going to say he tried to shuffle you out the door but his gay boyfriend showed up before you could leave, but instead he was a porn-inspired panty thief. I’m sorry you had to go through the ordeal, but it made for entertaining reading.

    1. Hahahaha! Right?! Honestly, all of my dating nightmares make me laugh hysterically now. My friends are like, “Lara, you should really write about your life.” And I’m all, “Yeah, I have a blog. Way ahead of you!” I’ve taken a hiatus to concentrate on school and work, but you better believe I’ll be back on that crazy horse again in no time. Thanks for reading 🙂

  3. Lara…this is just horrible that this happened to you! While I was reading I was trying to think of all the bad things that could have gone wrong here short of you being killed (which by default you wouldn’t have been because you lived to write about it). It’s always the sweets one – tale as old as Joan Rivers!

    You saying addicted to sex makes me think of “Thanks For Sharing” – I saw it at the cinema last week – it was awesome! I don’t think you should feel guilty about that at all! You are FAB!

    As for the panty stealer – fuck ’em!

    p.s how dare he want to steal Victoria’s Secret…he can watch the show for that!

    1. Haha! It’s SO true! I was just telling Mike in the comments above, I had been in a relationship for so long that I legit forgot that guys lie and try to lure you in with their sweetness. I was with my ex through those trivial years of “mistake making” so now I know. And I will never forget haha! And YES! I was so mad about my undies. If they weren’t so cute I would have just left but I knew they were somewhere. And you better believe I got them back! I was NOT leaving without them!

      1. The con.

        Just to have sex once.

        And to make people feel shitty in the process.

        I’m quite literally incapable of understanding why that’s fun.

        And even though you seem to be getting along perfectly fine–nice post, by the way–I’m sorry that it happened to you.

        I’m a bad person. So, it terrifies me the more and more I realize that–relatively speaking–I’m still one of the good ones.

      2. Oh, I know. I mean, I’ve done the whole one night thing before, but it was totally mutual. I’d never do that to someone I wanted to actually date. Some men are just…ugh, I don’t even know the word. It’s like, why try so hard for just one night?

        Haha and it’s okay. That’s actually the first time I’ve ever been duped like that before. You live, you learn. It happens.

        And you’re totally not a bad person. C’mon now, you should know this by now. You truly are one of the good ones-and by “good” I don’t mean good-bad. I mean, purely good. We aren’t perfect beings, but as long as we strive to be better than we are, that’s good in my book.

        Thanks for reaching out 🙂

  4. So glad this story has such a happy ending:
    1. You LIVED
    2. You didn’t let some creep destroy your self-esteem
    3. You got you panties back

    Well done 🙂

    1. Haha, it takes a lot more than a panties thief to ruin my self esteem. Better believe I got those back! He doesn’t get a prize! I, however, at least got good food and free drinks. 🙂

  5. I totally agree with the comment above … you survived and thrived, and that’s brilliant. Your writing is brilliant as well, in fact it’s downright super-duper. I’m glad I found your blog, and I look forward to reading other posts. By the way, could you bottle your attitude toward life? If so, I’d buy it. I admire your spirit.

    1. Aw, thank you for the kind words! That’s what life is all about-surviving and thriving. We’re always going to run into the not-so-perfect situations, but it’s a learning experience. I’m glad I found your blog as well! If I could patent and package my attitude, I wouldn’t sell it. I think confidence and positivity should be free to anyone who wants it bad enough. And, in fact, it is free-and not to far from anyone’s reach. Thanks, again. I look forward to reading more of your writing 🙂

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