To help myself cope with this bit of neurosis, I decided I need to delve into my own brain for a minute or two. What are the reasons I feel so full of anxiety over this new interest of mine? And last night I had an epiphany:
I’m afraid of being lied to.
People lie. Men lie. Women lie. It’s not gender specific-it’s people specific.
I got really lucky with my ex. Although it wasn’t meant to be, it was one of the least stressful relationships compared to most other couples. He never lied to me. At least nothing major LIKE HIS FEELINGS. But that was plain luck. And so far, throughout my dating experiences in the last 7 months, I’ve been lied to…a lot.
My first few dates consisted of lies about who they actually were as people. Not TOO awful or life altering.
Back in July, I went on a date with this guy in the Coast Guard. I’ll have to write a post about the whole story another time, but pretty much he lied to me for weeks and then left me in the dust. I was hurt, even if we had only been talking for such a short amount of time. Rejection is one thing, but to lead me into thinking you’re more wholesome than you really are? That’s low. My heart is too big and warm to be involved in that kind of experience.
And then there’s The Nerd. I told him my intentions from the get go, so why must he assume I didn’t mean what I said? And why ask me out on dates if he only wants to sleep with me?
More importantly, why do guys only want to sleep with me?
Now, let me tell you a little story my girlfriend *Ray* called me up with this morning:
She had been in a relationship with this guy *T* for a little less than a year now. Over the past month she’s been feeling very uneasy about him and the things he tells her. One of the HUGE things had to do with his father. He told Ray that his father had passed away a few days before. He didn’t show much emotion about it, which is fine. Everyone grieves in their own way. But day after day everything began unraveling. He never mentioned a wake or a funeral, and what really got Ray was he told her not to tell his mother [Ray and his mother are close]. Now, The two may be divorced, but??!?!? To NOT tell T’s mom that the father of her children passed away? That would have blown me away as well. AS IF SHE WOULDN’T FIGURE IT OUT EVENTUALLY! So then Ray did a little digging. She checked every single newspaper for weeks-every website-everything. She never found anything saying his father passed away, which she knows him and has met him on several occasions. Very sketchy. Even over all those weeks, T never mentioned a word about his father and was more distant than ever. Ray didn’t want to confront him about the whole thing because she knew he would turn it around on her, so she didn’t want to bother. Instead, she just broke it off with him.
So then Ray started questioning other things in their relationship. She had this gut feeling (and as women, we ALL know what that gut feeling is and we’re usually ALWAYS right) that he was cheating on her. So she did a little snooping (I do not condone this, but hey, girl was right) and went on his Facebook. Sure enough, she found messages between him and his ex-girlfriend from when they were still together. So, she contacted the ex-girlfriend and sure enough the girl was SHOCKED. She had NO idea he even had a girlfriend at that time. Furthermore, T told his ex he wanted to get back with her. So that day, Ray went over to the ex girlfriend’s house, they shared a bottle of wine, and talked about everything respectfully. The ex girlfriend wanted revenge, badly. So she called T and invited him over for drinks. When T got there, they began chatting for a while and then RAY came in the room and sat at the table with them. Needless to say, he was in SHOCK.
He legit got up and said “I can’t do this” and walked out. Ray had a few choice things to say to him as he got into his car, but from that point on T is no more. This story sounds like a legit soap opera, but I can’t help but wonder about the people I’ll come in contact with in my OWN life.
So all of this tied up in a big old knot is what’s making my stomach tie up in knots. What if everything LM says to me is a lie? It just seems like it’s a little too good to be true. Half the time, he’s the sweetest thing ever. I honestly don’t think anyone has called me beautiful more times than him in the last 2 weeks. But the other half of the time, he’s very dry and distant. It’s like he’s two different people. After thinking about this the last day and a half, I definitely feel better knowing this is all just really new and if it doesn’t work out-no harm no foul. It’s not like we’re months into anything or even that much feeling flowing.
I just have this gut feeling, guys. I know I need to relax and I definitely have relaxed since my crazy spell yesterday, but even now I still have that feeling. Women everywhere know what I’m talking about. Our intuition is a scientific fact. And just like birth control, it’s 99.99% effective. I’m just going to wait this out for another few weeks and if I still feel this way, I need to break it off. It’s not healthy to date someone when there’s a sick feeling in my stomach from the very beginning.
I don’t know. Dating can be so discouraging sometimes. I know there’s nothing wrong with me. I know love is all electric and clicking, but when am I going to get my chance? My chance to not be lied to. My chance to not have someone give up on me. My chance to actually love someone and have them love me equally, if not more. I know I’m going to make someone very happy someday. I just wish someday didn’t seem so far. My stupid ex snap chatted me again yesterday. I didn’t respond. I don’t know why he just won’t leave me alone. HE dumped ME and he’s the one trying to keep in touch month in and month out. I refuse to be at the end of that fishing hook. Forget it. Not to mention, another one of my best friends got engaged today. That along with this rainy weather is definitely making me feel lousy. TGIF. I need a drink. Or five.
But as I always say, tomorrow is another day. The days will keep moving even if I don’t want to, so there’s no other answer than to move with it. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m right. I just have to keep remembering, if I’m right, then it just wasn’t meant to be and I’m meant to be with someone just as wholesome and fabulous as I am.
Happy Friday to all of my lovely followers. May the weekend bring you love, peace, and [if permitted] lots of alcohol. xx