Ever since I posted about my breakup on Friday, I’ve had a flood of emotions and memories pouring out of me, as if they’ve been locked away for a very long time. It was so therapeutic to let go of all that unnecessary anger. It was almost an intuitive premonition of what was to come-although I was shocked either way.
One thing I’ve prided myself on throughout this breakup is the lack of communication I’ve had with him. I’m really big about the NO CONTACT rule. It’s one of the most important tools you have to move on from heart ache. Scratch that, it’s BREAKUP RULE #1 PEOPLE. If your breakup was completely one sided, this is nonnegotiable. I did all the necessary things I needed to keep myself happy. I deleted my Facebook, instagram, and twitter. This might seem too much for some people, but for me, it’s exactly what I needed. I’ve never spied, poked around, or even asked about him. In 6 months, I’ve broken this no contact rule but ONE time, and I’ll never do it again. The only thing I haven’t been able to accomplish is ignoring HIS texts. He’s reached out to me about four times. I’ll never know why and I’ll never ask because I just don’t care. It’s just for some reason, I can’t let the texts go. I reply to them, but immediately delete them so I’m not staring at them like a crazy person-picking apart every single piece of punctuation and thinking the way he used two dots instead of one means something completely different than if had not used any at all.
Not this girl.
I have my limits on breakups.
The last time we spoke was in the beginning of July. That was when I broke no contact. And it’s also when I realized speaking to him was a waste of my time and a set back in my journey to complete happiness. His birthday was this past August and I specifically didn’t text or call him because I wanted him to realize I’ve completely left for good, and maybe he should too.
So then, here I am, on Friday writing to all of you about him and how I am finally starting to let go of everything.
Then, Friday night, there I am out to dinner when my phone buzzed to tell me someone had added me to Snap Chat. IT WAS HIS BROTHER. And then I receive a picture from his brother that says “Hey! I’m at Panic! At the Disco! Where r u?”
Backstory: I LOVE Panic! At the Disco (haters gonna hate). I brought him, his brother, and all of his friends on a party bus for my birthday 2 years ago to their concert. They know I love Panic.
Where am I, you ask?
Do I live in an alternate universe?
I’m OUT. With my, friends? Being single? Remember? Let me refresh your memory. I don’t date your brother anymore. I know he’s at the concert with you because you two are joined at the hip. Did he not remember to tell you six months ago he dumped me? Oh, okay, good. You do remember!
So then, I accept his Snap Chat friendship and immediately block him. Problem, solved.
Fast forward to Saturday: I’m out with all my friends in Worcester for Pride Weekend and we end up at a night club where we get our pictures taken. Now, I’ve kind of blossomed from this breakup experience. I dyed my hair, lost 15 pounds, and reconnected with myself more than I ever had. Translation: I look damn good. So my best friend puts the pictures up on his Instagram on Sunday morning. Guess who liked my picture? Oh yeah, my ex boyfriend. See people, this is why I don’t have any of those apps anymore. Chad told me how he liked it. I just kind of laughed at him because every one can see that he liked it, which probably confused people more than me. But, once again, laughed it off, brushed it off, no problems there.
Fast forward to last night: I watched the Great Gatsby with a friend. Now, I don’t usually watch love stories because love just makes me sick now a days, but I used to love them so I figured I’d do it up. I mean, Leo, come on. The movie had ended and I was SO ANGRY at Daisy for just LEAVING Gatsby like that! This man, this Gatsby, was so driven by love. His life was dedicated to loving someone in this fantastical way, which I’ll always chalk up as FICTION. I’m sorry, but I wasn’t fooled by Disney. I know what’s real and what’s not. But this movie totally sucked me in. I spent the whole movie amazed by his devotion and sad that my life isn’t like that and will never be.
So then, I go to leave and I grab my phone to check the time. There’s a few text messages.
I just can’t escape it.
The first read, “Please listen to this. And listen to the whole thing! I’ve been listening for hours.”
The next was a sound clip. I was so confused. Then I pressed play.
About a year ago, he bought a new keyboard. I could never play the keyboard if my life depended on it, but it was one of those really neat ones with all the different sounds. I found the “horror movie” sounds and when I did, we spent hours recording fake horror movie scenes. They were actually pretty comical back then. But he was sending me these clips now. Now? You spent all night listening to our old recordings? How? I listened to about 5 seconds, realized what it was, and deleted it.
And this is where my problem lies. I texted him back. I just simply said “ha, I can’t believe you still have those.” And left it as that. His text message didn’t bring me any hope or leave me with any “What-ifs.” Maybe a few “Whys” but not enough to keep me wondering. But for some reason, I just can’t ignore his texts. My mind, heart and fingers just automatically move towards a reply. I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing. We’ve always been cordial. There’s no hate. Never was, never will be. I’ll always be nice to him back and not because I feel like I have to, but because I feel like I want to.
My friends are so angry with him. They hate him so much-that if I told them he contacted me they would pull a nutty. But, I’m just so tired and all cried out that I just don’t care either way. It’s a confidence boost, sure. Yeah, guys. My ex still thinks about me when I refuse to think about him in the least bit. Winning.
But it isn’t a hopeful boost. It’s nothing. His texts are meaningless to me.
Then why do I reply?
More importantly, why does my life have to get all complicated right when I’ve taken another baby step forward.
I know why! The universe is saying, “AW shit, Lara’s getting too comfortable. Let’s shake things up for a bit. POP QUIZ!”
Haha. At least I can laugh about it. Well, take THAT, universe. I’ll own you.