“There are moments in your life that make you and sets the course of who you’re going to be. Sometimes they’re little, subtle moments. Sometimes, they’re big moments you never saw coming. No one asks for their life to change, but it does. It’s what you do afterwards that counts. That’s when you find out who you are.”
Today, I really wanted to share a little piece of myself with you. Not because I think you care or because I’ve been through some HUGE, life altering, I-almost-died type of thing. It’s not like that-I didn’t almost die at all-physically anyways. I really just wanted to tell you guys the reason I’m here-the reason I write everyday. I feel like it’s important to know why you write and maybe, just maybe, if one person is going through the same thing I am-maybe I can make them feel a little bit better today.
I used to NEVER journal. I hated writing. I hated blotting my feelings down because I’m the type of girl that wears my heart and emotions on my sleeve, so why be repetitive and jot down all of those crazy women emotions to remember and recall on days when you’re already depressed? I started blogging almost 6 months ago out of what felt like desperation at the time-even though I know now it’s with purpose. I was in a relationship for three and a half years. No, let me clarify: I was madly in LOVE for three and a half years. I have honestly never been so happy in my entire life. Before I met him, I thought I had some issue-like, I couldn’t feel anything towards another guy. I honestly felt like I was sick in the head. I had always been a lone wolf and never understood why. Sure, I dated. But I just never felt a connection-even a miniscule one. Then, when I was 21, I attended a corporate Christmas party with one of my girlfriends and at our table in between all of the couples, I was seated next to some mystery guy. He apparently didn’t have a date to the event and didn’t even work in that region the table was set for. He was simply another lone wolf, knowing no one, and seated right next to me. I never would have thought that night that we would fall in love-ever.
For being in the only relationship I’ve ever been in, I sure knew what love felt like. The way I looked at him. The way we never fought unless it was some stupid couples tiff that everyone has. The way we would laugh like CRAZY. The way my heart felt around him. The fact that no matter how long we were together, I still got the butterflies. Most importantly, the way he looked at me. Even the night he left me, he still looked at me like that. And I’ll never understand why. Nobody has ever looked at me that way-ever. All I could feel was love, and I thought my entire life was complete. He asked me to move in with him, although that was by biggest fear. I never wanted to bring up furthering our relationship because I was so happy with the way things were, I never wanted to mess it up. But I always had that feeling. From the first time he kissed me and how fireworks lit up my imaginary sky, I knew it was honestly too good to be true. For the entire three and a half years, no matter how happy or in love I was, I ALWAYS had this feeling in the bottom of my heart that it wouldn’t last. I couldn’t be that lucky. I couldn’t be that lucky person that got true love. And unfortunately, I was right.
I never truly saw it coming. I had a dream about it a few days before, but I chalked it up as paranoia. Then, one night, he took me out to dinner and on the way home he just looked at me and said, “Lara, we need to talk.” In that very moment, my heart dropped. I legitimately couldn’t breathe. I knew it. He wept harder than I did as he told me he just felt as though he didn’t love me anymore and it wasn’t my fault. He told me I was the best girlfriend he’s ever had. He told me that someday someone is going to love me so hard, so deeply, and so passionately, and he promised me that. He said he’s never felt so sick to his stomach letting someone like me go. And then we hugged, we had one last kiss, and he dropped me off.
And that was it. The end of him. The end of us. And for a while, the end of me. I cried for weeks. I couldn’t even listen to music for 2 months. I honestly just felt dead inside. How could this happen? I gave my all. I knew I was a good person. I knew he was right about everything he said about me. I KNEW I was an amazing girlfriend. So why? I had no idea where to turn to, so I did what any other girl in my generation would do-I asked friggin Google. I think that was my breaking point. When you resort to Google for your emotional issues, you need to sit. down. I typed in the search bar “Will I ever love again?” And the first thing that popped up was some girl’s blog. I read the entire thing and cried the rest of that night. But not for me-for that girl. People everywhere were going through the same thing as me and I was so blind to it. I had that adolescent notion that only I was going through this heartbreak-and even though other couples break up-nobody knew how I was feeling. But they did. So then, I started a blog. The amount of support I got from people who didn’t even know what I looked like was incredible. It honestly was my therapy and still is to this day. I’m pretty new to word press still, I moved over here a month ago when I realized how negative most of the people on my other blog were. Not towards me, but towards their own lives. No good vibrations over there. But for the most part, I’ve made incredible connections with people from all over the world and for once in my ENTIRE life, I actually enjoy writing. Blogging has taught me that maybe I don’t wear all of my feelings on my sleeve. Maybe I do have some extra stuff that needs to get out. Like this post. As I type this (at work, mind you) I’ve felt tears welling up in my eyes. It’s because I haven’t revisited my stupid, sad, love story in a while, and I’m starting to let go of some of the anger and resentment I feel towards him. Deep down inside my heart, I cannot hate him for not loving me anymore. He didn’t do anything wrong. He was an amazing boyfriend and an amazing guy right up until the moment we parted ways. That breakup was so bitter sweet, I’m in a freakish way lucky that’s how it went down. He promised someone would find their way to me someday and when that someday comes, I’ll fully be able to let go of my sadness. I know it will come, someday. And as much as that pain is still there and still so visible and new, I know I’ll love again. Because he told me so.
And that’s why I’m here. This is why I write to you. And even though I’ll probably spend a good chunk of my day crying now, I know these were feelings I had to get out. And like I always say, tomorrow is a new day. And today, I am happy.