Month: August 2013

To Get New Wings

To Get New Wings

“I’ve realized that life is indeed full of contradictions. Sometimes its crazy to be sane. You need to fall to fly. People suffer because you care. You have to unlearn to know the lesson. You have to give up because you are strong. You have to be wrong to make things right. Nonetheless, life’s complexities are also life’s sources of beauty. We should cry to laugh again, fall apart to be whole again, and get hurt to love again.”

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You Are Free

You Are Free

Your life is yours only – no one else’s.

Live it fully and honestly.

Do not regret. And if you do, go back and try again.

Do it with passion or not at all.

Do not succumb to lower vibrations.

Reach for the stars, even if your arms get tired.

Keep on keeping on.

Time is of the essence. Go on, now.

Are You Afraid of the Date?

Are You Afraid of the Date?

Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story: The Tale of the Worst Date of My Existence.

Haha, sorry I had to go all 90’s Nickelodeon on you. Since my online dating life is over, I figured I’d share some of my dating nightmares with you. This one is going to be lengthy, but this date lasted 6 hours, so there’s a lot to report.

I started talking to Q* back in early May. I honestly thought he was the total package: Good looking, funny, wanted to be a Hollywood writer (THAT should have been a red flag), and our conversations seemed to flow so nicely. Out of all the guys I spoke to, he was the only one I had a good feeling about. Ugh, I was so wrong.
So finally after a few weeks of getting to know each other, Q and I had made plans to meet up the next Saturday in Boston and spend the day together. I was a little nervous about meeting him because it had only been the third guy I was going on a date with, so a few days before the date we FaceTimed. Once again, conversation went smooth. He was a little shy and quiet, but I took that as him being nervous and just brushed it off.
Fast forward to Saturday. I decided to take the train into Boston because I didn’t feel like paying for parking. FIRST MISTAKE.
Side note: The train runs every THREE hours, so if you’re in a rush to get out of the city, don’t even think you’re getting out when you want to.
As soon as I met Q at the train station, I had a really odd feeling in my stomach like something wasn’t right. THAT, my friends, I was right about. He was NOTHING like I thought he would be. Sure, he was still good looking, but OBNOXIOUS. So. Effing. Obnoxious. As soon as he saw me, his true personality came out.
He wanted to take me on a Duck Tour, which for those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s a trolley-type tour around Boston where they end it off with the trolley going into the water (relax, it turns into a boat) and you get to see all of the major sites in Boston. Cute idea, BAD person to try to do this with. Instead of asking where the pick-up was for the trolley, Q decided it would be the smartest idea EVER to just walk around the city for hours looking for it, which lead to eventually missing the entire tour. First mistake. The entire time we were walking around the city, Q was shouting random movie quotes into the streets while holding onto me like the wind would blow me away if he let go.

“DON’T FORGET TO BRING A TOWEL,” he screams to a bunch of little children and their parents.

This went on for the entire hour. SCREAMING into the streets, sometimes at people and other times-at nobody. I was mortified. Then, as we took trolleys to all of the places he THOUGHT we were going to, he just felt the need to make me even more uncomfortable. He proceeded to keep his arm around me the ENTIRE TIME we were next to each other. He’d caress my arm and then POKE me and giggle. Like a flipping child. I’d remove his arm from me and he would PROCEEEEEEED TO CONTINUE to wrap himself around me. I was literally reciting “Our Fathers” in my head and then telling God this was NOT funny.
Finally after traveling for hours to nowhere, I thought of an exit strategy. I had to get out of this date. I told him I had to babysit my niece and had to be home by a certain time. He said it was totally fine and I thought I was home free until I checked the next train time. I had apparently JUST missed the train and the next one wasn’t for three hours. THREE HOURS. YES PEOPLE. That means I spent 6 hours on this date from the depths of Hell. So what did I request we do until my train arrived?

Get drunk.

Very, very, very VERY drunk.

So we proceeded to bar hop for a few hours. He honestly got easier to talk to as the drinks went down. The date just completely went down the shitter from the first bar we went to. He proceeded to tell me that he was bipolar and used to be suicidal and his mom left him when he was a child and stujhisdghkldfhgdioghifghofdghsioghsifdoghioshioghdsioghiosfdhgidfogisoghidof.

Now, I’m not one to judge. I consider myself an equal opportunity employer. But on the FIRST DATE? Really Q? I had such high hopes for you and they just burned to the ground. Then, he started asking everyone in the bar to take pictures of us. He said we had a great connection-something was there. I wasn’t like the others. I would interrupt him and say what great FRIENDS we made and then he would poke me, smile, and throw his damn arm back around me.

Lord, have I sinned that much in my life to deserve this?

So finally, the time came when my train was about to come. We started walking to the station. Q was hiccupping because he tried to keep up with me and got wasted instead. As we walk to the train station, all of a sudden I hear something fall on the ground and make a couple of clanking noises. I thought to myself, “What was that?” So then, Q gets down on all fours and picks something up from the ground. As he stands up he smiles at me and holds his hand up. “Well, I guess it’s time to be honest,” he says as he smiles at me with his FRONT TOOTH COMPLETELY MISSING. Yes, people. You heard it here first. He held in his hand his fake front tooth, which after a few minutes of him talking he then proceeds to put said dirty tooth back into his mouth. My heart just sank. Honestly, after the entire day I had, that was just the icing on the cake. I didn’t even flinch. That’s exactly how it was supposed to happen. After the whole day of touching, poking, and yelling, of COURSE he was going to miss a tooth. My luck.

So to wrap it up, my train came. Missing tooth boy grabbed me and tried to kiss me, but I put my hand up. YUP. Right all up in his face. After how I acted distant ALL day, how can you think it’s okay to GRAB ME AND DRAG ME IN FOR A KISS? Nah, nah boy. I don’t play like that. Sorry.

I get home and receive a text from him that read “So glad I met you today. We have such a connection. All that was missing was a romantic dance between us. Next time, Gadget. Next time.”

And that’s when I let him down gently. I told him he was sweet, but I didn’t feel a connection. He just replied, “Ok.”

DUH, DUDE. DUH.

Goodbye, Summer.

Goodbye, Summer.

On my long drive back from Pennsylvania, I had a lot of time to reflect on the last six months of my life. It feels just like yesterday I was talking about the flowers budding as I wiped tears from my eyes. “New beginnings,” I said. I smiled at my best friend and whispered, “I’m going to be okay,” and honestly kind of laughed at myself as I said that. I didn’t really know it then, but I know it now-and I am.
I’ve lost many amazing people in my life. Death is not an easy experience. But the death of love? That was new to me; too new. I wasn’t okay with the fact that love can burn out like a melted down candle. I wasn’t okay knowing that I will always hold a special place for him in my heart. I thought when a relationship ended, all feelings and heartbeats should cease and hatred, anger, and resentment should replace what once was utter happiness. I still have a hard time grasping these ideas, but I know them as the truth-and truth they are/truth they always will be.
The hardest part of getting over this has been the memories. My mind is either very intelligent or very, very stupid. I’ve had this ability-maybe a defense mechanism-to completely remove the mental image of him out of my brain. Sure, I can still feel and I still have that inner dialogue where I can say his name. But, to see his face-to remember all of the amazing times where I thought my entire life was written, signed, and sealed-and even to remember the night it all ended-this is something I cannot do. I know it’s more of a “will not” than a “cannot,” but I feel so much better not being able to remember those images. I know it’s probably not healthy and I know it’s going to be the next step in creating a better me, but at least for right now, if I’m not ready to do it, at least I’m ready to admit it. Admitting is half the battle when it comes to dealing with your inner struggles.

When I look back on this spring and summer and when analyzing how I feel at this very moment: I. Feel. Happy.

I had an amazing summer. I spent it with the people who mean the absolute most to me. I didn’t take one single moment for granted. I jumped at every opportunity and chased the sun through each month with happiness and more understanding than I ever have. Do I still feel empty at times? Of course I do. It isn’t in my nature to forget something I felt so strongly about. I’ll always have a missing spot in my heart until someone comes along who fits into my crazy passionate puzzle. Did I find a new love? Absolutely not! I will always enjoy dating and boys. I enjoyed it before I met him and have had just much fun after him. I won’t search for love because I know I cannot go looking for something so indescribable. I can search for dates, or cuddles, or my next kiss. All I need to search for is everlasting happiness. Because where there is happiness and warmth, love will come searching. And as much as my heart was in so much pain and even now, still gives me a little sting here and there, I know I will always be okay.

Because I truly loved.

With every single breath of my lungs and every pump of blood in my heart.

I loved madly.

I loved unconditionally.

I honestly could not have loved any better.

And for all of these reasons, I know love will find it’s way back to me. I’m not looking, I’m not pursuing, and I’m not going to get my panties all up in a twist if I’m single for the next few years. Why? Because as much as I experienced all of this joy, there is nothing greater in this world than to have love for yourself. And that, my friends, I do.

Goodbye, Summer. You were warm and therapeutic and exactly what I needed. Until next time.

Back to Reality & Life Updates

Back to Reality & Life Updates

Hey guys! Sorry I’ve been MIA for the last few days. After intense preparation for the wedding and the actual celebration, I’m back to reality-sitting at my desk-waiting for 5 o’clock so I can go home and nap. I’m EXHAUSTED!

PA was so much fun! As you guys saw from my last post, it was a total country style wedding. Big open area, lots of moonshine, and more kegs than people. It was pretty funny because I knew absolutely no one besides the people I came with and we were referred to as the “city girls” the entire time. For someone who doesn’t enjoy attention, it was a little nerve-wracking to have all eyes on me ESPECIALLY since I forgot I had to say a speech and after about 10 beers and some moonshine my name was called-front and center. I did great though. The alcohol helped me stay cool, calm, and collect, and everyone enjoyed my speech. I even had me a southern boy for the evening which made my night that much better. HOWEVER, he has not stopped talking about me since I left yesterday and he’s a little bit too smitten with me so I had to tell my friends down there to let him down gently. I definitely didn’t lead him on. I let him know that it was just a fun night and nothing else and plus-the guy lives 6 hours south on a farm. How do you think that will pan out? Haha, oh well. I showed him how Boston does it and I think I made my city proud. I think I scared some of the older folks with my dancing, but sorry-not sorry. That’s how I get down. I even have TONS of battle wounds from that night. I slammed my thumb on a porter potty door and split my thumb open and bled all over my beautiful dress. CLASSY. That’s how I do. Besides a few bruises on my legs and some scratches, I made it out of PA alive and with plenty to talk about for months to come.

SO- I deleted all of my online dating accounts. Honestly, I’m just exhausted from all of the dating and I start school next week so I just need a break. Match was a total bust-total waste of my money. I exchanged maybe two messages with ONE person and that was IT. The only guys who messaged me were CRAZY and I had to block them because they messaged me EVERY DAY. Like, really? Do I only attract the crazies? Ugh. As for my free sites, I did have more luck on them but I was just really disappointed with the online dating experience altogether. None of the guys were actually how they portrayed themselves on the site-both with looks and personality. Now, I’m not vain-I’m just human. There has to be a physical attraction somewhere. But to post pictures of yourself from YEARS ago-that’s just messed up. How can you not think that I won’t notice? I’m not perfect-far from it actually. But, I actually post pictures from the last few months of myself AND I don’t lie about my height or weight. Once again, so deceiving. Same thing with the personalities. I’ve just realized that texting and even phone conversations just don’t really show what type of person you are. Now, I’m not saying this doesn’t work for anyone-just not for me. I need to see you, feel your energy, and have an actual real life conversation in order for me to consider another moment with you. I did go on a date the night before I left and it went okay-to the point where I’m willing to have a second date with him. He was cool and easy to talk to. Plus, I know pretty much all of his friends because I used to hang out with them YEARS ago. He’s a video editor for a big news station around here which is pretty sweet. Drives nice cars and owns his own condo-which I’m definitely not used to someone that well off, but I’m not judgmental or money hungry so dollar signs mean nothing to me. But the kicker? Dude lied about his height! WhYYYYYYYYYY?!??!?! It’s like, I won’t care that you’re not as tall as other guys. And if a girl does care, then she isn’t for you. I am giving him another chance because I understand that guys are just as human as girls, so their insecurities are just as prevalent. But dude. Lie to me again-and you’ll never see this face again. Alas, I’m sticking to meeting people in the real world from here on out. Online dating-as much as I’ve had lots of stories and many laughs at others’ expense, you are just SO not for me. Until hologram dating comes out, I’m jumping out of the pond until I see something worth fishing for.