The Time I Fought a Dude.

I figured since I’ve done a lot of stories about dating and break ups, I’d switch it up to something more bad ass. I mean, my name is Lara for God’s sake, after the incredible tomb raider, Ms. Croft.

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Nah, nah. I’m kidding. I was named after some ho from Dr. Zhivago.

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I was 19. Sweet, naïve, and college party ANIMAL. I moved off campus my sophomore year and lived with 3 other female animals. We felt so grown up. SO FREE.

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Our apartment was “the” place to be Thursday through Saturday. We would do one HUGE beer run (since we were all extremely underage) and then play beer pong, smoke pot, and party until it was time to go to class the next morning or until we couldn’t drink anymore.

It was a great year besides a few choice issues.

Issue #1: I lived with a drug dealer.

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Issue #2: I lived in a very “not so nice” part of town.

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No, really. That’s a legit picture from my neighborhood. 100%

Issue #3: Said drug dealer was not so smart and used to deal pot to sketchy people from said neighborhood.

As you can probably already guess, we ran into MANY problems. These people would come up to my apartment off the streets without being invited. They would bust into my parties and sometimes create some havoc. Some claimed they were in gangs. Personally, I called bullshit on them. A real gang member would probably have murdered them.

Nonetheless, my parties were starting to look a lot like this.

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Saint Patrick’s Day, 2008

We had a monstrous party at my house that night. Everyone was wearing green. We had decorations and TONS of beer. There were a SHIT TON of people at my place that night.

I was in the middle of a game of beer pong. Dominating. Obviously. When all of a sudden, two of the sketchballs that were there to see my drug dealer roommate started arguing.

Side note: One guy was named Boogie. That is NOT a pseudo name. That shit was real. He told me once that he was given that name by his “bros” and I asked him if it was because they thought he was the Boogie Man.

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Mr. Gang member was not to thrilled about that comparison.

As I’m playing beer pong, I hear their argument get louder. All of my 19 year old college friends looked absolutely petrified, so I knew none of them were going to step in. Need I remind you:

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I live with a bunch of girls, so I knew I was the only one who was going to stop the problem. I left my game and intervened.

I stepped in between the two guys and told them to knock it off. Surprisingly, Boogie kept his cool and backed away. The other dude was absolutely WASTED and was getting more violent. He started getting closer to Boogie, so once again, I stepped in the middle of them.

This time, the dude pushed me.

So, I did what any normal 19 year old girl would do to a 30 year old “gang” member, and I pushed him the FUCK back.

Then, he pushed me again.

Oh my God. You should have SEEN my friends’ faces. They were petrified.

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So then, this dude pushes me. AGAIN. I had enough.

I told him to leave. He didn’t budge. So, I started pushing him out of my living room.

I lived on the second floor of an apartment. The door in my living room led to the stairs that created the exit for my unit.

I opened the living room door. Dude pushes me.

THAT IS FUCKING IT. I was too drunk for this shit.

I jumped on him.

I’ve never fought a dude before, and I really didn’t know what to do, so I put him in a headlock. I started to drag him towards the open living room door when all of a sudden, he pushed me down the stairs. Forgetting I had him in a headlock, he came right down with me.

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Now, I don’t know how I did it, but I STILL had this guy in a headlock even all the way down the stairs.

My downstairs neighbors came out looking PISSED THE HELL OFF, and then after realizing I was fighting a guy twice my size, they tried to help me.

My neighbors: Lara! We’re calling the cops!

Me: I’VE GOT THIS YOU GUYS! GO BACK INTO THE HOUSE. GO! GO!

Hahahaha. Who the hell do I think I am?

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Still in a headlock, said dude and I fall to the ground on my front porch.

After about a minute of wrestling him on the ground, the cops show up. I let him go from my grasp and the cops took him and drag him away.

After the cops drove away, I drunkenly proceeded up the stairs back to the party.

I open the door and there, all 30-40 of my friends were completely frozen in time, their eyes on me.

My spot at the pong table was still open. I honestly don’t think anyone moved an inch for that [probably] ten minutes.

GAME ON!

I felt fine at the moment, but when I awoke the next morning, I was COVERED from head to toe in bruises and gashes.

Probably wasn’t the smartest thing I did.

Probably could have gotten myself killed.

But that was bad ass.

And I won that game of beer bong.

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24 thoughts on “The Time I Fought a Dude.

  1. BAAAAADDDDDAAAAAASSSSSSS!!!! Damn Lara… you are seriously one killer woman. I especially love how you were dominating the beer pong – and won it in the end after all that :-D — Side note: please, for the love of God – don’t do anything like this EVER again. Please.

    • Hahah yeah, it’s one of those stories I can look back and laugh at, but at the time my friends were like YOU COULD HAVE DIED.

      The things I did to prevent myself from getting arrested for underage drinking. LOL

      I promise. I’m not that bad ass anymore. Or rather, I don’t put myself in those situations anymore haa

      • Of those petrified kids, the second one on the left has a Syracuse University shirt. Priceless.

        Yeah, I’m definitely not going to mess with you, or step out of line when it comes to even sneezing, yawning, or blinking. Yeesh. I’ll be keeping watch over my shoulder.

        I have to comment to Mike as well, since he is in the conversation: what IS the deal with all the online dating posts? I’ve noticed the abundance of posts, too, and there is some temptation to try the online thing for a third time (after all, third is a charm?).

        Nah, not really. That guy from your post yesterday did a good thing. I’m keeping my chivalry away from those sites, saving it for reality.

      • Hhahah oh stop. That was probably the biggest and only real fight I’ve ever been in. That whole year was insane living with that chick. I had to deal with thugs all the time. When it’s staring you in the face, it’s totally different than watching tv. I chose fight instead of flight :)

        YOOO KAAAHD. Cause online dating is “happening.” No, it really isn’t, but some people really fair well from it. They won’t write about it of course because good dates are BORING. Online dating should be a sitcom in itself haha I’m almost positive I’ve covered all my dates thus far, so I won’t have any more dating material until my next one with The Drummer. That was my third round of online dating! 7th date, but third round. Look at that! Lucky #7 AND third times a charm!

        Don’t ever lose your chivalry. You’re a dying breed. An endangered species. Lord knows what my children are going to be dating in the future.

      • Oh I know – some of the things I did back in my teen years… yikes… sooooo glad to be alive :) — Come to think of it… I was still pretty reckless into my 20s – so good on ya for not putting yourself in danger so much anymore! Though it sounds like you know how to take care of yourself pretty damn well :)

        And yeah Christopher — online dating really seems to be a big thing now – plenty of my wife’s friends have been digging in there as well as all the stories I’m reading here on WordPress — the success rate seems smallish, but then again, the picking up a girl in a bar version of meeting people from my youth didn’t tend to lead to a whole lot greater success rate for most of the people I know. Its all just hit or miss at the end of the day I suppose.

        Thankfully Lara is now one of the online dating success stories :)

      • Hahahah okay, now. Let’s not get too ahead of ourselves. I highly doubt I’m gonna be one of those girls in the Match.com commercials being like “I thought all was lost until I met…”

        Let’s see if we can make it past date two. :)

      • From what I’ve been reading you are waaaaaay ahead of the game with one good date under your belt! But yeah, one date at a time for sure, one date at a time :) — and of course if he does end up doing anything stupid, you obviously could totally kick his ass :-D

      • Go for it – I say. You def seem far more like a take charge things kind of gal – and that’s at least part of what makes you so damn amazing! He’ll surely love ya for it.

      • Uh-oh – it appears that I gave you some bad advice earlier — just read this story about some big-time motivational speaker named Justin Lookadoo who’s running around telling high school girls:

        “Let him lead. God made guys as leaders. Dateable girls get that and let him do guy things, get a door, open a ketchup bottle. They relax and let guys be guys. Which means they don’t ask him out!!!”

        Plus this other little gem…

        “Dateable girls know how to shut up. They don’t monopolize the conversation. They don’t tell everyone everything about themselves.”

        Yikes! Hard to believe this guy is from this century :)

      • AWESOME! Hope you have a total blast – way to go Lara. — man I know, that “speaker dude” needs someone to give him a good slapping :)

  2. No, not the smartest move in the world.

    That’s said, it’s totally badass. I wish I could say I fought a guy twice my size (and won. That part’s important)

  3. hahahahah girl you have some of the biggest balls ive ever heard about! i love it! major major major props to you! this story is amazing, and you survived! you should get some type of like medal for it!

  4. Lara you are effing AWESOME! I need to have you on my team because I don’t know if I could do something like that. Maybe if I was drunk enough but still I doubt it. But like Mike said – don’t ever do it again. I still need to come to the States to meet you and I can’t have you in the hospital upon my arrival!

    • Oh lord no! Never again. I was a teenager. I had balls. Now a days, I jump when I see a spider. I have more thought processes like oh um, hey Lara you might die. Back off. That night I was thinking “Lara if you don’t get him out, the cops will come and no one here is old enough to drink” hahaha priorities!

  5. Your awesomeness deserves reognition! Damn, Lara, this rules. Headlocked the shit out of that motherfucker.. Damn. If I wasn’t gay, I’m telling you.

    Fighting is a bad habit among us youngsters, though.. Can’t count all the times I’ve been kicked out of bars for fighting like a jackass. Once, a dude wouldn’t let go of my friends ass. So.. I broke his nose. Yeah, that stuff.

    MORE POSTS LIKE THIS! <3

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